My first post: Coping with issues I never knew I had.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

robo-pistol
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/12/2009 8:33 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello! I just hit my 25th birthday last month and I am a stay at home mom of one. I feel like I used to be so happy and optimistic until recently, but now I know too much about the world to be happy. I didn't watch the news for two years because it makes me cry. I worry so much about my daughter and question if I'm a good enough parent, and I feel like the world will end any moment and I know nothing about it. I feel like a 25 year old parasite, completely unaware of it's host.

Ever since I started dating at 13, I have sabotaged my relationships. They last almost exactly 2 years every time, then I get bored and restless and I feel trapped, so I push them away or act crazy so they'll leave me.

My parents were alcoholics and were recently divorced. I've never talked about that. I've never dealt with it, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I sometimes go years at a time without crying. My friends think I'm a robot because of my emotional issues, so does my boyfriend (who I am currently pushing out of my life). I always seem to feel like I'm on the verge of tears...or screaming.

I hear myself saying mean things to my boyfriend, and even sometimes my daughter. It's like I can't stop. Like I'm outside of myself and I don't feel anything but anger. I can't talk to anyone I know because they think I'm this strong independent person who is their rock. I just can't bring myself to destroy that image....or maybe I just don't want to.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 10/12/2009 9:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Robo,

It sounds like you are sabotaging your relationships because you feel you don't deserve to be happy. But becareful with the little one. She is prescious and deserves to be loved, just like you do.

Are you going to any counseling, or taking any medications? It sounds like you could use some help. I am glad that you posted here, we can give you support. Though I feel you need more than that.

Know that you are a wonderful person. You are special and you deserve to be loved, even by yourself. Learn to love yourself for who you are. None of us are perfect.

I sense a lot of anger towards yourself. I think that is why you undermine your relationships. I think you are afraid to be loved. Maybe you fear it wont last. Or maybe you fear that you are not worthy. But you are.

Please seek professional help. Especially when it comes to your child. You don't want her to grow up feeling the same way that you do. I am sure that you are a good parent. We do the best that we can under any circumstances. Your child is your responsibility, provide love, compassion and a safe place for her. She is innocent here. And she depends on you for positive feedback.

Keep posting, as we are all here for you. If you can't get help, read books. There are many self help books out there that can help you. Just remember that deep down, you are a good person. Worthy of being happy and being loved.

I understand about alcoholic parents. They tend to be selfish and do not give support to their children. I went through that and it effected my life for a long time. I am sorry for your past. But you did not deserve that and neither does your child.

I am glad that you are reaching out. This is the beginning of a healing journey for you. Get help. You deserve it. You are a good person.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Blue2
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 10/12/2009 7:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi robo, reading your post reminded me of the time that I was watching the news during breakfast and I got so upset that I had to call out of work. I cried most of the morning over the news. That was when I realized that something was seriously wrong. Based on your title, I'm guessing that you aren't taking any medication or seeing a therapist? It seems like you are keeping your emotions bottled up inside because you are afraid of looking vulnerable in front of your friends. Well counselors are like impartial (and insightful) listeners, and I think you would benefit from airing your thoughts and feelings. You should talk to a professional about your fear (?) of longterm commitment before sabotaging your current relationship. I can tell that you are loving mother, but your daughter needs you to be healthy and strong. Let us know how things are going.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 10/12/2009 10:09 PM (GMT -7)   
hi r. sounds like a lot of suppression and repressed feelings. letting them out is very carthartic, but getting rid of them, well this is much harder. karen has given you excellent wisdom. seek some professional input, yeah we all sabotage from time to time, i did the other night, for me it is avoidance coping, i rarely do it, but when i do..........well. hw has taught me about the here and now, and i practice what i preach in leaving the past in the past, yeah hard stuff, but the more you do the more that you naturally focus on the here and now. for me, and probably you a work in progress. maybe a chat with your bf to. with healing compassion. jamie. ps life is a journey, so take it, and for those special to us, them too.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder

robo-pistol
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/13/2009 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I am trying to be as relaxed and patient with my daughter as I possibly can. We have a great relationship, but I feel like the tension between my bf and I can come between us at times. I realize that none of this is her fault. She's an awesome kid and my entire life revolves around her. I just want to feel better so that I can be a better mom.

I don't have insurance and I can't afford to see someone. This is what brought me here. I guess that talking about it feels good. I'm getting it out of my system and for the first time, admitting that I'm flawed instead of pretending that I'm fine.

Thanks again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40579
   Posted 10/13/2009 11:57 AM (GMT -7)   
Here are some sites that might be helpful to you...
 
 
 
I hope that this helps.  We are all imperfect.  And that is just being human.  Take care of that little girl.  She will be the light of your life.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Learning2fly
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 10/13/2009 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Robo. I hope you're feeling a bit better. You mentioned not being able to afford counseling services, etc. I don't know where you live, but our county has a great MH place for everything from personality disorders, mental illness, addictions, etc. The county picks up the tab for counseling, meds, and anything else you need. Try looking in your phone book and make some calls. I hope you can find the help you need. It's rough going it alone.
VIEW IMAGE
 
Major depression; Bipolar Disorder; Fibromyalgia; Spinal Stenosis; right arm and leg nerve compression; cataracts; glaucoma; IBS; RLS; hypothyroidism; B12 deficiency ... that's enough or I'll get more depressed.

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, December 06, 2016 5:10 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,733,415 posts in 301,117 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151256 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Monkeyjungle.
236 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Frolic, sheepguy, Bololidat, schoolpsych, Andrina, mtm3461, NiceGuyEddie, fightUC


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer