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Menolly
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/13/2009 4:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey, I'm Menolly, I'm new here. Before I get to talking, here's a bit about me.

♥ I'm sixteen, and a senior in high school.
♥ Diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, depression, MPD, OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, and depersonalization disorder.
♥ I do everything for everyone else.
♥ I've tried very hard since my problems started appearing at the age of seven to deal with them.
♥ I'm on various meds, see a therapist once a week on wednesdays, and such.
♥ Survivor of three.

Okay. So, lately things have been getting worse for me . . . my meds aren't really helping, at all, and I've been having increased lapses in my memory as well as violent tendencies; which isn't like me at all, I believe in peace, love, and cotton candy ice cream. So trust me when I say that it's out of the norm for me to be seriously threatening somebody. There's also been problems with a boy, but honestly that isn't affecting me as much as just living is. I feel so detached, and when I feel real, I'm so overwhelmed with emotions that I can't control them. I've tried being strong, I really have, but I just can't do it anymore.

Last year, a few months before the end of school, I was a vegetable. All I did was sleep and stare at the ceiling. I didn't go to school, I didn't talk, I didn't eat, I didn't do anything. That's when I first got help for the things I'd been experiencing since the tender age of seven. I was put into a mental hospital for the duration of a week and a half during the summer, where I was diagnosed and put on medication. I showed signs of improving, so I was discharged. But now, now . . . it's worse than ever. The hallucinations, the voices, feeling so out of place and not connected, everything . .  I'm just a burden to everyone. And no one really cares, I can honestly admit.
No one knows the real me, and no one wants to.

Thanks. I needed a release.

Here's to hoping I see morning.

- Menolly.
 
 
1. No discussion of suicide or violence. (ie. threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 10/17/2009 5:11:32 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 10/13/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi my dear Menolly,
 
 
Such a sweet young adult you are.  You are prescious.  You are loved. 
 
I think that it is really important to tell somebody how you feel.  Especially now.  I want to get this out to you so that you know that there are people who do care about you.  So I am going to submit this, but I am coming back with some resources for you.
 
Get help, and soon.  Call 911 if you have to.  I will be right back.
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 10/13/2009 6:05 PM (GMT -7)   
Menolly,
 
Here are some websites for you..
 
National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state)
Suicidal.com (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
SuicidalTeens.com
 
 
Also here are a few others that might interest you...
 
 
I hope that this is some help to you.  I am really worried about you.  We have another person your age on the forum that is going through a rough time, I will email her so that she can read your post.  I think that you will really like her.  She has been through a lot too.
 
You have especially been through a lot.  My mother was schitzophrenic and I understand it some.  It totally haunts you.  But with the right medication, it can be controlled.  And it sounds like you might need a medication adjustment. 
 
I will check back in later to see if you have posted.  I want to get this information to you.
 
Please try to relax and know that somebody cares.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Learning2fly
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 76
   Posted 10/13/2009 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Menolly, I have been where you are right now. Please use the numbers given to you. You can and will make it through the night. I will be praying for you. The nights are the hardest when you feel like you do right now. But never forget there is morning just around the corner. Things will hopefully look a bit brighter for you then. Many of us truly know how you are feeling. We've been there. And we've made it out. You can too. Please stay strong for the night. And please check back in here as often as you can. {{{{HUGS}}}}
 
Major depression; Bipolar Disorder; Fibromyalgia; Spinal Stenosis; right arm and leg nerve compression; cataracts; glaucoma; IBS; RLS; hypothyroidism; B12 deficiency ... that's enough or I'll get more depressed.


Blue2
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 10/13/2009 7:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Menolly, I'm sorry you are feeling so troubled, please listen to Karen's advice. We are here for you.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 10/15/2009 2:33 AM (GMT -7)   
menolly, jamie, male, 37. been there my dear plus some. me dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder. i understand a lot of what you are going thru. it does get better. here for you. my healing compassion to you. stay strong. jamie

Menolly
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/16/2009 8:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I just.
I can't do this. I'm not strong enough.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Menolly,

Yes you are strong enough, and you have us to help you. Get into counseling, see a doctor. Call 911 if you are in a desperate moment. You need help sweetie, so get some. You are stronger than you think.

You really need a med adjustment. And some good counseling. Don't wait any longer to do this. You are suffering when you need not be. Take it from us. There were some of us who didn't think we could make it, and we did. Sometimes you have to really fight for your sanity. But it can be done.

Think of all of us standing behind you, pushing you on. We are there. We all care about you and want to see you healthy and happy.

hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Menolly
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:42 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm not going back to that darn hospital.
That's the only option I have.

So I won't call. I won't.
Because that's the only option I'm given.
And I refuse.

Post Edited (Menolly) : 10/16/2009 10:49:16 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:52 PM (GMT -7)   
What about trying different meds, or a med adjustment? Have you talked to the doctor about that? What about your counselor? Can they help you through this struggle. It could be as simple as a med adjustment to get you to feel better. You can't go on being miserable. And no taking the other way out. You have a right to live and live happily.

There have been a few of us who have been in the hospital and many are doing much better now. You may have jsut had a bad experience that time. It could be way different now.

Let us know what it going on. We are here for you.

You are a dear person and deserve to be happy.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Menolly
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 10/16/2009 9:54 PM (GMT -7)   
I don't have a good enough insurance to afford any other meds than what I've got, pretty much.
And I hate the hospital. It just isolates me, and makes me feel like a freak.
I don't like not being able to do anything, or talk to anyone, or see anyone.
I hate being made to eat and everything else. I hate itIhateitIhateit.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 10/16/2009 10:00 PM (GMT -7)   
I would suggest talking to your counselor about this, she might be able to find a way for you to get the meds that you need. Some companies give them to people who can't afford them. She would know about that.

It sounds like you don't like the rules in the hospital. I have never been in there, but my mother was many times. She thougth fo it as a vacation because she could get the pills that she wanted. By the time I could get to see her, she would be so fried that she didn't know who I was. I didn't like that part.

But maybe you need some structure for a short period of time. It might be worth it just to get better. But I would talk to the counselor and see if they could help you get the meds that you need so that you can feel better. You want to feel better don't you?

I think you do.

Hugs, karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Mazfire
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 1683
   Posted 10/16/2009 10:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Menolly
 
You have given us a very detailed background of your situation, but I noticed something missing- family. Are you on good terms with your family? Do you have a support network of friends and family who can help carry your burden?
 
Maz XX
 
 
 Co-Moderator Anxiety & Panic- Depression
 
" Why does society view illness as weakness?" (Montell Jordan)
 'He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.' (Psalm 147:3)
-DX:Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, CFS, Seasonal Depression, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Sinusitis, TMJ, Endometriosis,PCOS, Reactive Arthritis, Anemia, Chemical/Noise/Light sensitivity, Trichotilomania,
OCD, GERD, IBS.
-Meds: Zoloft 150mg. Xanax 4mg. Prescription pain meds/anti inflammatories.
-Multiple surgeries- I bear the scars of my poor physical health.
-Age:29. AP first DX @ 10. Fibro etc DX @14.
 
 


Jeannie143
Veteran Member


Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 6056
   Posted 10/16/2009 11:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Menolly,
I"ve been where you are and I remember how deep the hole felt. I went thru this over 40 years ago when the doctors were using some pretty rough treatments to snap us out of depression and to fight schizophrenia. It's gentler now... just as scary but gentler on your mind. I wasn't supposed to get better. That's what all the doctors said... so I got mad at them and clawed my way back to "normal" with the help of my meds and a ton of prayers from my grandma. My last year of highschool was a fog but I did it.

Then the doc said I shouldn't go to college... so I did. For a while. Had some rough times, had some great times, met the man I wanted to marry.

Then the doc said I shouldn't get married... so I did. Thirty-six years and counting. Also had three kids that he said I shouldn't have...

Mental illness has ups and downs, insides and outs... but tomorrow is another day to fight it. Take your meds, get stubborn and mad at the disease. Claw your way back. You CAN do it. One night's sleep at a time. Like I said, I've been there and there is a way out of the hole. Just keep on keepin' on. Sending good thoughts and prayers.
~ Jeannie, Forum Moderator/Diabetes & Fibromyalgia
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

"People are like stained glass windows: They sparkle and shine when the sun's out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light within."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 10/17/2009 4:50 AM (GMT -7)   
me menolly, 28 admissions, some very lengthy, 6 courses of ECT, a six month in-patient treatment program for people with severe borderline personality disorder, 8 years of intense psychiatric therapy, many issues with my safety, many, many meds, 2 and a half years of homelessness, 3 months in crisis accomodation and 2 years in a long term mens refuge, this was a dive, and many things of a terrible nature happened to me. 3 years of family isolation, 20 years of stigma, slowly they are getting it. 8 yrs ago i became very psychotic at uni, was pensioned of, lost my place, fell into very addictive behaviours, something i am continuing to deal with, along with coping years of abuse from people also. got more to say, but from this i want to say that i am back at school, in a relationship, soon to be engaged and getting myself sorted for a fulfilling life. my young years i have no recollection of, a sequale of abuse, i think you will undestand without going into detail. still a work in progress, as you are. trying to motivate you, you can do it, i am. keep fightin' you and your life is precious i want happiness for you. with loving compassion, jamie

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/17/2009 7:10 AM (GMT -7)   
Menolly,

Hope this morning finds you feeling a little better. If not, know that it's okay and there is help out there. Keep talking to us, let us know how you're doing. We really do care.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/19/2009 3:14 AM (GMT -7)   
hi Mellony i have just read ur post's and it sound's like your near rock bottom?? My suggestion is that you ask either a Family member,friend or ur G.P. to get u to the emergency department,see your pshyc get your self booked into a Mental Health Facility and get the doctors to change ur medication's!! I have been where u are many,many times and the last time i was an inpatient was 6mths ago because i was feeling just like you. So i beg you please go and get some help for YOU and nobody else.I know the last time was very hard for you but dont be scared about being in a hospital!!! We all have mental illness on this forum and it is nothing to be ashamed of ok.If u ever need to vent to someone please dont hesitate to vent to me, i mean it!!! I'm really worried about you!! Can u promise you will stay safe?? Hope this help's.
 
REMEMBER TOMORROW IS ANOTHER NEW DAY!!!!!
 
BEST WISHES.........
beverley-rose-bud40 smilewinkgrin
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/19/2009 3:19 AM (GMT -7)   
mellony just wanting to let you know also that you are not a burden on anyone!!! I feel the same but it's really our bad thought's that make us feel like that, so please dont ever feel like u r, or you dont belong here!!!! You do belong here!!!!!!! beverley
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 10/19/2009 4:14 AM (GMT -7)   
rose-bud is right on menolly. i (we) care about you. stay safe and well. healings to you. jamie. i too am worried.
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