Just broke up.....and its my fault...

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ready2heal
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/18/2009 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
So we just broke up forever 2 days ago and the week prior she needed time to figure things out, determine what she wants for her own life, etc.  This breakup initially started 8 weeks ago....She and I met IMMEDIATELY following her decision to leave her marriage....and I mean IMMEDIATELY following....like the day of !
 
We started out things as a FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS relationship but I quickly realized that I had real feelings for her, and truth be told she did too.  Well that began a whirlwind relationship....we were VERY MUCH in love.
 
Then I screwed it up.  shakehead I started hanging out on a social networking site and began texting or calling other women.   nono   wasn't interested in relationships with any of these women so I'm really unclear as to why I did it at all.  confused I have started to go to counseling about 6 weeks ago and trying to get to the heart of my self-esteem issues (as this is why we both believe I sought the attention of others) but the counselor doesn't seem to listen to me.  She wants to focus on my relationship and what happened there. 
 
I KNOW where my self-esteem issues come from.  My father and I had a very tense relationship growing up, he treated me like crap and yada yada yada, well my father and I have since gotten those things discussed and we get along great now and talk almost everyday.  My dad and I are great friends now but I suppose those wounds are still deep....not so much with my dad...but with others;  specifically women !
 
So what do I want now ?  I want to get over HER.  She and I were together for 15 months and saw each other virtually everyday.  I really, truly felt she was THE ONE....and now I'm knocked over wondering how the heck to get over her ??   She has cited other issues as well;  i.e.  we have different religious beliefs, my two sons live 3 hours away, I hate my job (we work for the same company and see each other potentially everyday) and she never had any downtime from leaving/divorcing her ex-husband to starting a relationship with me....so there's plenty of reasons I guess NOT to get back together but I just love her so much that it hurts on a continual basis. 
 
I don't know what to do with myself ?!  My day to day has been about work, my boys (til my ex-wife moved 3 hours away with them ) and HER !   Now my boys live 3 hours away so I see them on the weekends.....and now since we've broken up I have MY JOB....which I can't stand !  I don't recall what my life was like prior to her ?!  I hate the fact that I can't seem to start healing.  Yes, I realize it's been 2 days but my gut tells me its really over....so why doesn't my heart hear my gut ?
 
 
help ! cry
 
 
ready2heal
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 10/18/2009 10:12 AM (GMT -7)   
This is a depression forum, dealing with issues on depression. So I dont' know how much we can help you with this situation. The best thing tht I can say is to take life one day at a time. Things change rapidly sometimes. You never know what is around the next corner. So go easy on yourself and try to heal.

Best wishes to you, Keep talking to your counselor.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 10/19/2009 5:41 AM (GMT -7)   
it is early days. take some reflective time to think and heal. the gut heart thing, yeah been there, albeit it is different for us all. take care, i wish you well. keep working with your therapist, and on yourself to. jamie.
 
dx, mdd, severe borderline personality disorder.

ready2heal
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 10/22/2009 12:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Perhaps what I'm feeling isn't depression...in the truest definition of the term...but I guess I'm just knocked over by the overwhelming feeling of sadness, loss, no self-worth, regret, remorse and the dark feeling that I may very well have blown the one real chance I had a true love and real life long happiness.
 
I've started journaling my feelings and emotions and I can write about a half page on a steno-pad before I am overcome with tears. 
 
She truly is the light of my life. We have both talked so many times about how surprising it is that we would end up together....she saw me her first day here at New Employee Orientation...and then we didn't meet for another 7 months but she said she never forgot how she felt when she saw me that first day.
 
Folks....I can't find purpose in my life as I go through my day.  I find myself trying to do things to stay busy just to keep her off my mind.  I don't think my house has EVER been so clean before. 
 
I won't say I feel like I wanna die....I just feel like I have this giant hole in my chest where my heart used to be and nothing can fill it.
 
Again;  sorry if this is the wrong forum for this. I didn't know where else to go.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18742
   Posted 10/22/2009 2:50 AM (GMT -7)   
your in emotional pain. there is heaps i could say, but what i feel is most important is that life is a journey, some parts of life are good, some about pain, loss and filled with raw bits, some are lessons, some is just life. we are all on a path, each different and each bit of the path takes us into our future path. sorry for your hole in your heart. your pain is more because of your sincerety, i understand this, totally. my lady has passed, 3 years this dec, although my love for her has not changed but our love and total love has allowed me to love again in this life. i set her free, and in doing so our love is perfected and now i can love again in this life, as i know my lady who loves me dearly wants me to be happy again in this life. i hope this makes sense. sorry for your situation. healings to you. jamie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40565
   Posted 10/22/2009 6:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Your sadness really touches my heart. We can help you as much as we can. Just don't know if we can justify your needs.

It is sad to see somebody that you are in love with and knowing that circumstances prevent you from being together. Keeping your mind busy is good. And having a clean house is wonderful. Do you want to help me with mine? lol... I am like the worst housecleaner that there is.

I hope that things work out for you. Keep posting. We are always here to support you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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