Husband is depressed...

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Linz C.
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/20/2009 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
My husband of 10-months was diagnosed with clinical depression with severe psychotic features approximately 4 months ago. He attempted suicide, was hospitalized for one month, and since he's been out, he's been slowly improving. However, he's still anxious about going out, is socially withdrawn, is terrified of being out in the work force, and has difficulty doing simple things like ordering take-out. A lot of it is cultural and linguistic - he came to this country almost a year ago. He was shell-shocked by the culture and by the realization that he couldn't work in an "American" company due to the language barrier.

Despite the shock (I never knew - he lied to me and never told me about his depression prior to marriage), there was no question that I'd love and help him. However...it's been tough going. His sister came from Korea to help us...but she turned out to be the worst person I've ever met. She constantly attacked me verbally, saying that I wasn't doing enough for him - despite the fact that I was working full-time and trying to financially support the both of us. She threatened my parents to me, saying that if they treated my husband wrongly... It was unwarranted, because they'd been nothing but supportive of him, despite being lied to by his family. She would get drunk every week, and despite being an M.D. / Ph.D. who dealt with depressed patients before, she had my husband miss out on his medicine twice to drink alcohol. She even slapped me on the forehead when drunk once, accusing me of lying when I said I didn't think I was pretty (in response to her drunken question). She also accused me of not knowing what marriage was, even though I was by my husband's side and trying my best to put on a happy face for him - while she (apart from her husband) was getting drunk constantly, flirting with men at Karaoke bars, and yelling at her husband over the phone because he didn't pick up quickly enough. Due to cultural restraints, I was unable to defend myself...THIS time.

With my husband's depression, the financial stress of suddenly plunging into a single-income household, the economic strain of his hospital bills, wrestling with my own fears and dying hopes of the future, missing my husband, working at a job that was bleeding me dry, AND dealing with the most nightmarish person I've ever come across...I thought I was going to come apart at the seams.

It's gotten better since she left, but she's coming again in November...this time, with her husband in tow.

How do I deal? Sometimes I get so angry at my husband for not helping me. I know it's unreasonable, but I hate my life right now. And even though I try to concentrate on him, I can't help but think that if he wasn't in my life right now, I'd be better off. I feel horrible for thinking that way, but the stress and strain are literally killing me. I recently went to the doctor and found out my blood pressure had risen to dangerous levels since my last check up, which was prior to my husband's depression.

What do I do? I love him. I want to be there for him. At the same time, I've never dealt with this before in my life. I don't know if I have the strength to do this overlong. I was dealing with my own depression when we got married, and had been about to see a counselor for it right before my husband attempted suicide. My case wasn't severe - I think I would've done just fine with counseling. But after this episode, I'm struggling not to have a breakdown.

How do you guys deal?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 10/20/2009 1:53 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Linz,

Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum. I am so glad that you have joined us.

I would think that the best thing for you right now would be to start counseling. You need the extra support right now. It is hard dealing with your own depression, and you have your husband to deal with right now. That is a lot. I strongly recommend counseling for you. Take care of you and the rest will be easier to handle.

How long is your sil coming for in November? You are going to have to ignore her for the most part, but don't let her walk all over you either. She doesn't have a clue as to what is going on between you and your husband. You know and that is what matters. You work hard all day, you don't need to be waiting on him when you get home. He can take care of himself. You can be there to support him, but he needs to learn to cope. Is he going to any counseling right now? Do they know he is still struggling?

I hope that this helps some. I highly recommend counseling and maybe seeing a pdoc too. I see both and it has really helped me.

Take care, best wishes for a wonderful day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Linz C.
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 10/20/2009 3:42 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you, Karen, for your response. Counseling is so pricey...it's been a bit difficult to find something that works within our budget.

The good thing is...my husband is still very kind to me, and he can laugh now. He tries to take care of me in the capacity that he can - i.e. he lunch food for me, he sometimes cleans the house and washes the dishes, he encourages me to do activities that allow me to release stress, etc. He always takes his medication and never misses an appointment with his counselor.

My SIL is going to be in the States for 2 months. I'd never thought of actually divorcing my husband when he was in the hospital, even when I was shell-shocked and my friends were telling me to divorce him. But when she was doing her number on me, I seriously considered divorce just to sever all connections with her. I have never met anyone as cruel and bully-ish as she. It was just too much on top of everything else.

Again, thank you for your response. It helps just to have a voice.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 10/20/2009 3:51 PM (GMT -7)   
You can't let her push you around. If you do, you will be miserable. Maybe she will be different with her husband here. That would be nice. Two months is a long time to put up with her. So if she starts her crap, stand up to her, especially in your own home. Put her in her place. asertiveness. Without being mean. Study it if you have to. Get some books.

I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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