New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/28/2009 7:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm tired.  I'm tired of pissing people off.  I'm tired of having to hear and live with lies.  I'm tired of telling lies because people don't like the truth.  I'm tired of being in pain all the time.  I'm tired of wondering if this is my last day or not.  I'm tired of people leaning on me, when I can't even get my own life together.  I'm tired of people in general.  I'm tired of getting ripped off by greedy uncaring people.  I'm tired of not being able to be what I should be, whatever that is.  I'm tired of trying to learn the truth, when all I ever hear are lies and half-truths.  I'm tired of being tired.
 
Anyway, my life is a mess.  My last life insurance policy is expiring in December.  I can't afford a new one.  I can't afford to live where I am and I can't afford to move.  With the new bankruptcy laws, I will probably just end up in jail.  Where, if the guards and inmates don't kill me, my diseases will.   Doctors can't or won't help me.  Therapists just tell me to exercise more, which when I do my allergies try to choke me to death.  
 
If I were to die before my life insurance policy expired, at least I could leave a little money to my family.  I have a month to get things together before my life insurance policy expires.  And all I have to do, is follow my therapists' advice and exercise really hard.  Then just wait for nature to take its course. 
 
Well, this is pretty much the only place I can voice my thoughts and not worry about it.  Thanks for being here for me.  I hope this isn't too depressing for anyone, but I just wanted to express my feelings somewhere.  Even if I can't make anybody understand.  I have always been an odd-ball, so don't feel bad if you can't understand my reasoning.  No one else can either.  Its my fault not yours.  I never did learn to communicate well.  Probably because I'm a lazy, stupid, ignorant person.
 
Ive edited parts of your post per forum rules- respectfully, Maz
 
1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use or exchange, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm).  Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted.
 

Post Edited By Moderator (Mazfire) : 10/30/2009 2:59:02 AM (GMT-6)


JD68
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2008
Total Posts : 205
   Posted 10/28/2009 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Blue eyes....I think you should take a big step back and a big deep breath. You ARE not lazy, stupid nor an ignorant person. If you were such a person you would be unable to identify your need for help, which is exactly what your post is......a shout out for help. Do you have anyone close you can talk to that can help you rationalize your thoughts?? I know when my DH gets like this I need to sit down and put the positive spin on every negative he has and then explain why I see it that way and not his way. It seems to help him get past his negative phase. Sounds like possibly a new therapist may be in order as well, of course he/she may be fine but if you see the therapist only in a negative light then what they try to help you accomplish will fall on deaf ears.

There is always a way out, I know you can't see it right now but we are all here for you and will help in anyway we can.....Don't give up!! There is much life to live and be enjoyed.....trust me!!

Prayers to you my friend.....Jenn

Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/28/2009 2:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Jenn, thank you for answering. But, I think I am finally being rational. Besides, there is no one to talk to. My wife won't talk to me, it is too hard for her. I no longer have any friends. There was only one doctor that seemed to help at all, he was the one who finally diagnosed me, and he quit. They won't say why, but I think he tried to change things for the better and ran into a brick wall, so to speak, and just couldn't take the incompetence and money grubbing. Besides, I am out of money, so I can't see anyone else anyway.

You are right, in that this is something like a call for help. I would like to see if anyone has an idea somewhere. Though, I must admit this is the last place I really expect to get any answers from. But, I tried everywhere else I could think of, so here I am.

I am out of money and no longer have enough money to support my family. I thought about doing volunteer work, but then I can't work well anymore, which is why I am on SSI. I tried to retrain into something which was less physical, but I couldn't grasp anything. My brain just doesn't work right anymore. Doing physical work causes me end up in an emergency room or at least a clinic, which employers can't tolerate. I seem to be getting worse too. Even if I could work again, I probably couldn't find work with the way the economy is. My wife and my son can't find work and they are relatively healthy. Massive inflation is bound to occur next year, as soon as the markets catch up with the printing of bogus money from the Fed. I am in chronic pain, with little chance of ever getting better.


Again, if my post makes you uncomfortable or just annoys you, please feel free to not read it. If I am posting against the rules, just ban me. I'll understand. Even if you don't.

(This post has been edited per forum rule #1 -- serafena)

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/28/2009 4:31:02 PM (GMT-6)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/28/2009 3:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

I have to edit your post, per forum rules, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate where you are and what you need. I have been there myself a few times.

You do NOT only have one option -- that is the depression talking. It's not real. You need to call in your support, whether that is your therapist, your psych, your gp, your ER, whatever, because you need to connect with a human being right now. Call someone, and talk. There's only so much we can do on an online forum like this.

If you have no one else to talk to, call:

National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.

You are a valuable and important person. Your family would be devastated.

Very concerned,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

Post Edited (serafena) : 10/28/2009 4:32:16 PM (GMT-6)


Ne Ne
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2008
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 10/28/2009 4:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes I've been where you are I thought everyone would be better without me. But I found out it would just make everyone worse off. Its not that your a burden to anyone its the depression talking. Your wife would have left long ago if that is what she really wanted. And I've put one man in the ground, because he couldn't take the depression,and life. I hurt every day for him. That was 27 years ago, yes I moved on but not a day goes by I don't think I could have done something to stop him.

I found out I have crohn's and bipolar ll in the last 4 years. I've been in and out of the hospital and I go to my therapist every other week and I go to the doctor every other month. I know how you feel but I also know how my husband feels about me. We married for better or worst, not better or better. I don't know what I'd e do with out him in my life. And I can't leave him like my first left me. That hurts to bad and there are to many questions left.

You need to see a therapist and get some help, I know the thoughts are still there from time to time but, you can deal with them better. I don't work and I feel its my time to get back what I payed into.Times are tight all over the country pay on your life insurance when its your time you can leave your family the money. Get help your worth still being here on this earth.


Dawn turn yeah
49 Female
Dx June 07 Crohn's take asacol 2x3 a day ,lotrel for HBP , omeprezole for stomach , potassium , calcium & Vit D , lomotil for lose stools , tramadol for pain , started humira in Feb 08 on 1 shot a week, vit-B 12 shots , crestor,off crestor,now pravastatin, pristiq, abilify,
Dx Bipolar May 08


Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/28/2009 4:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I can't think of anything to more to say. You guys are probably right. Anybody know of a good long term campgrounds? Maybe I can do a Neale Walsch and talk to god.

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/28/2009 7:45 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  hi Blue eyes i have read your posts and i am truly sorry that your in such a dark place at this time. I agree with other's about getting some therapy,medication,ect!! And let me tell you,you are a very worthy human being and deserve to be on this earth like the rest of us even if it is a painful existence. Also i agree that your wife would have left you by now if she didn't LOVE YOU. But alway's remember your a good person,and from what you have said you are a bit like a "sponge" which means that everyone uses you to soak up there problem's,but who's there for you?? Well we are here for you o.k. and vent all you like as we wont be offended.
 
may peace be with you blue eyes,
 
beverley.c. eyes
 
P.s. It probarly doesn't make sense does it???? Sorry having a bad day to!!!!!! i would also love to be able to express myself like you have on your posts,your word's are just wonderful.......
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
also suffer from chronic depression which is mostly caused by my lack of hormone's.
I AM CURRENTLY ON AVANZA FOR MY DEPRESSION!!!!!!!


Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/29/2009 5:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I told my wife we were broke and I couldn't pay the mortgage. It seemed like I just told her the the temperature outside. No reaction that I could tell. I don't know what is on her mind. At least she didn't reach for a bottle pills. Maybe she just doesn't understand, or doesn't want to. Anyway, talking to my wife was a bust. Except that I got it out of the way. I did find out today that my son has racked up a bunch of debt, which he has no way of paying off.

Oh well, I still have a month. Maybe something will come up. Though I seriously doubt it.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 10/29/2009 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I am sorry that your wife isn't talking, maybe she just doesn't know what to say or do about the situation. And if she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know what to say about it.

I hope that you get things worked out. Try not to worry about your son, you have enough on your plate right now.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 10/29/2009 8:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

If you are able to, find a beautiful place out in nature. You had mentioned some campground. Go, sit in the sun, close your eyes. Feel the sun on your back. Listen to the birds in the trees. Try to just be as comfortable as you are able to be. Really give it a try for about 30 minutes. Just sit very still and observe what's around you while keeping your eyes closed. The trick is not to think while you are there. Try it when you can. Get back to us and tell us how it felt (not what you thought, but what it felt like to all 5 of your senses.)

We care,

Rosemary

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/29/2009 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

Sorry to hear that thing's are still not going to well for you. But i haveto agree with Rosemary about sitting in the sun ect!! Also you really do ned to look after you bacause if you dont your not going to be any good for your son, even though it's his debt not ur's ok.
Please try and do what Rosemary said, i'm going to give it a try. "why not hey".

best wishes to you Blue Eyes,

beverley.c.
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/30/2009 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't get it. This forum or your answers. I tried to contribute and hold my tongue. But, I don't think I can anymore. Sorry, to have burdened you all. But, that is all I can do anymore. Good luck with your own personal hells.

realife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 10/30/2009 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

What's going on what are U talking about burdened us. I just joined the forum about 2 weeks ago I'm still trying to figure out how to do certain things. Somethings U can't say on here all of us are depressed or going through other kind of illness. U post how U feel and people respond by trying to help U or give U some advice, don't leave the forum I think this is good when noone else understands WE DO. When I give U my feed back on what your going through I have been there plenty of times, just 2 days ago I was a mess but today is a better day. Everything will be Ok have some FAITH OK PLEASE!!!


Non-epelictic seizues,depression,anxiety

realife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 10/30/2009 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
One more thing on the forum your p****** know one off get that out of your head we understand U.

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 10/30/2009 10:28:14 AM (GMT-6)


realife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 10/30/2009 9:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

I just read why U want off the forum, U were very rude to the moderator's. There very good at what they do. SORRY MODERATOR'S U HAD TO HEAR THAT!

Blue Eyes
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 10/30/2009 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Sorry, obviously I am not capable of fitting in here. Don't feel bad about though, I never have fitted in anywhere. If I was a product, I would be recalled. Sorry anyway. Forgive me or not. Whatever makes you feel better.

I'm also sorry I depressed everybody. That was not my intention. Being depressed, I just can't seem to stop from making anybody and everybody around me depressed to. I just didn't have anywhere else to try to explain myself. I'll just do what my son told me to do, I'll just shut up.

Again, I'm sorry I burdened this forum with my problems. And I am not being sarcastic. I'm sorry I have ever burdened anyone.

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/30/2009 2:53 PM (GMT -7)   
cool  hey Blue Eyes what's going on mate?? We are all on this forum to vebt and talk about how we feel. I dont think you have gotten people more depressed, that's just your depression talking as i can feel ur anger and other in ur posts. Please dont leave this forum as it has helped me imensly!!!!!! The people that run this forum are wonderful people,but they to have some kind of illness to. How about you and try and start afresh mate,would that make you feel better??? If not i wish you all the very luck for a speedy recovery!!!!!
 
best wishes Blue Eyes,
 
beverley.c. eyes
 
P.S. remember ur anger is doing all the talking for you!!!!!!!!!!!
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/30/2009 3:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes if you dont get this forum or understand our posts to you then maybe you should move on and find aonother and see if that will help you some. Take care and stay safe.

best wishes,

beverley.
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


realife
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 77
   Posted 10/30/2009 5:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey BLUE,

Don't do what your son said!! Stay on the forum it helps!!

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 10/30/2009 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Blue Eyes,

I was just wondering if you have calmed down a little?? I know how you feel as i'm suffering chronic depression and yes it's so very hard, but you need to stop being so hard on ur self and get some more positive thought's happening. Please dont take my post the wrong way as I'm just trying to help you!!! So pls stay on the forum like Realife has said, as you need it darling. You may feel like ur not getting anywhere but believe me i'm still new to this but it has helped me so very much.

Please look after YOU!!!! ur no: 1.

beverley. :))))
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 11/1/2009 8:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Blue Eyes,

Hope you are feeling better. Don't shut people out who are trying to help you. That only lets the depression wrap itself around you even more. We are all in the same boat and are doing the best we all can to survive and to help each other in the ways that we are able. Stay open to suggestion. If you don't like some ideas, then just don't act on them. I hope my idea of going and sitting in a quiet place in nature did not offend you or come across as frivolous. I was just trying to share what works for me. Granted it may not work for you, but my intent was honest. I do wish you well as do others on the forum. We're all here for the same reason.

Sincerely, Rosemary

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/1/2009 6:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Blue Eyes,

I was just wondering if you have decided to stay on the forum or leave?? I personally think you should pull ur head in, stop being so rude to other's and try and get along with all the people on here,as we are all in the same boat!!!!!
Dont let ur stubborn behaviour ruin it for ur self ok. I'm not having a go at you I'm trying to help!!!!!!!

best wishes,

beverley.c.
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Friday, December 09, 2016 8:02 PM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,695 posts in 301,325 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151422 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Gabor88.
290 Guest(s), 5 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Krimpet 🍔, Girlie, Ggrlsav, bdavis, Mokes


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer