Scared Senseless

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Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/2/2009 8:03 PM (GMT -7)   
I could really use some encouragement.

My life is falling apart. It took so much courage just to go see a psychologist & then she tells me she can't help me, that I need meds. So I take what little courage I have left & went to my PCP who told me that because of my thyroid issues, she won't put me on psych meds.

So I am just continuing to be self-destructive & no one wants to help me & the horrible fear I have of going to see a psychiatrist is just about to finish me off. I am so sure they are going to want to lock me up & let me just say right now that nobody, and I mean nobody, who hasn't been committed gets to tell me that maybe that's the best option. because it isn't. I can't even write what happened when I was in the psych hospital because it violates the Forum rules, but lets just say it was violent, horrible & has given me nightmares for years since. fortunately, the poor soul survived, but that doesn't lessen what I witnessed. they are horrible places without any hope for healing, so that's off the table.
on a rational level, I have yet to find any research showing that being locked up is beneficial to anyone suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts (which I'm not having right now) any more than staying home and doing absolutely nothing.
I'm not so dumb that I need to hear people repeat the same stupid lessons 5 times a day, 6 days a week, followed by lengths of time where patients share plans for what they want to do when they get out. It isn't healthy.

ok, so now that that's clear enough... I still feel like I need to do something. My life is falling apart. I feel like people are wanting/thinking about killing me & that is a horrible way to live. My PCP says it is just my thyroid & I need to wait for Thanksgiving for it to stabilize. But I am just coming undone. And I am ruining what little I have left -- friendships, church life, temp job, my ability to get help from my pain specialist. So I need to do something. I can't just sit & wait until Thanksgiving because I feel like I am fighting to tell the difference between what's real & what just feels like it's real. I'm pretty sure my pain doctor isn't trying to kill me, but it took me 3 weeks to come to that conclusion. I can't be like that with everything in my life. I'm still worried that the counselor wants to kill me in my sleep. I'm not even sure how that makes sense, but it seems so true. That one probably doesn't matter anyways since she says she can't help me, but still, I'd rather not be thinking thoughts that might not be true & that's one of them that I'm not sure is true or not. So I need help. But I can't figure out who I can trust. Probably not anybody except my PCP (who won't give me any psych meds). But I've got to at least try to find somebody & I don't know how I will figure out whether I can trust them or not. but I need, I NEED someone I can trust. Someone who won't just want to lock me up & throw away the key. Someone who won't just brush me off or dismiss me like the counselor did. I get why she did that. I don't really agree with her that I need to be on meds, but if that's the only option I could maybe consider it. I've had so many bad reactions to them in the past (my PCP says it's due to my thyroid), but I'm just fresh out of options.

And I'm scared. Not just a bit worried. I mean like scariest movie you've ever seen, ready to scream with terror scared. But I need to get some help. I do. so I could use any encouragement anyone can offer. shakehead

-frances

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/2/2009 9:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I am so sorry to hear how badly you are suffering right now. If there was any way for me to say that you are alright and have that get through to you, I would do it. I know you are so afraid that you are not likely to believe me, but it really will be okay.

You need to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist will not lock you up. A psychiatrist doesn't WANT to lock you up. The insurance companies definitely don't want to lock you up. So it isn't going to happen unless you are a danger to yourself or others. But there is nobody -- not your PCP, not your counselor -- who will be as well trained in brain chemistry and medications as a good psychiatrist. What you need to do is ask your PCP who the best psychiatrist in your area is. You don't want the PCP and the psych working at cross purposes with your meds, you want two people who will work together to stabilize your chemistry and quiet the chaos. They will be on your side.

Just so you know, I too have been in psych wards -- twice -- and haven't had anything like the horrible experience you had. I'm truly sorry to hear about it. But I was helped both times -- I went in very, very sick both times and came out just a couple of days later feeling stronger and ready to take care of myself. Yes, the group therapy and droning conversations are tedious, but that was the worst I could say about it: I was bored stiff and missed my family. It did play a major role in helping me through my depression and self-destructive thoughts: it kept me safe from myself while the meds had a chance to kick in. Just so you know. They're not all awful.

I'm very concerned. Keep posting. Let us know what you need. If it's a reality check, I can do that. If it's a pep talk, I can do that. But definitely look for the strength to seek out a psychiatrist. I do think it would help.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/2/2009 10:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I think Serafena is right about the psychiatrist. I think that is what you need right now. And one that will work with your pcp. I dont' understand the thyroid issues. So I am not much help there. I have been to psych wards because my mother was there a lot. And I know that some are good and some are bad. But when she went there, it was for a vacation. And by the time that they would let me see her, she was flying like a kite.

Just know that we all care about you here and wish for you the best. I know how you are feeling right now, and I know that it isn't fun being afraid. Keep in touch, let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you and I mean that. You have a lot of stress going on in your life right now. Try to break it up some. Write things down and try to forget about them and give your mind a break. The problems wont go anywhere, but you need to rest your mind.

You are in my thoughts and prayers Frances. I do care about you. I will be online for a little longer and will check back on this post.

Many, many big hugs to you. Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/3/2009 3:08 AM (GMT -7)   
cool  Hello Frances,
I would like to say that i'm truly sorry that your at such a dark,miserable and scary time!!! I to agree with the other reply's to you in regard's to seeing a pshyc and get on some med's to. I also dont understand about the thyroid stuff. All i know is my sister has an overactive thyroid and is on medication and that's all i know i'm sorry.
And maybe it may do you the world of good to have a bit of respite at a hospital,but that doesn't mean that they will lock you up,that will not happen i promise ok. The last time i went into a pshyc unit i had a few prob's but not that bad really. Not all the hospitals are bad Frances and just maybe this could be a turning point in ur life?? Please keep us posted. We all worrie.
 
best wishes to you,
 
beverley.c. idea idea
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/3/2009 6:24 PM (GMT -7)   
The hospitals are not a place for rest of vacation. They are horrible places with more in common with a prison than anything else. They have people there who were sent there by a jury because they were so crazy they couldn't be tried. It is not a safe place, a happy place or a restful place. They come and shine flashlights in your face every 15 minutes to keep you from sleeping (well, that isn't the purpose, but that's the effect). You have to hide your food because god forbid you don't eat it all & they give you demerits. It is the worst place practically in the world, other than maybe real prisons, being tortured or going to war.
Plus, they will not let you have any pain medication because the psychiatrists do not know how to monitor it, so you just have to lie on the floor screaming in pain until someone finally gets fed up with you & lets you out. It is a hellish experience, and all that is on top of the creepy people who sneak into your room at night because they're psychotic. If you scream, the staff will come & kick them out, but the whole thing just sucks & everyone always accuses you of lying. Fortunately, I had witnesses who who tell them that they were the ones lying, not me. Plus, they lost my $2K medical device, after I was very clear with them about its importance. So, no, no one is going to convince me to go to the hospital.

I tried calling that worthless counselor again. She just wanted to get my PCP to at least mandate a psych eval. No way at all am I putting up with that. There are very, very few psychiatrists in my mental health network, so that would mean I would have to pay the whole cost of the stupid eval. And at the end of the day, since I don't want to hurt anyone & I'm not thinking of suicide, they can't have me committed, but they sure can make my life a living nightmare in the meantime. Plus they will twist every stupid word out of your mouth. When I went into the hospital before & they explained that psych patients need to be strip searched, I freaked out. They told me it wouldn't be that bad & I very stupidly said "I'd rather die than strip naked. I want out of here." Well, I wasn't even suicidal at the time. It was just an expression because I was so mortified about the strip search (who knew they even do horrible things like that -- plus they stand around for 5 minutes talking about all the scars all over my body, measuring them with a ruler & describing them in detail before they let me put my clothes back on). It is the most horribly cruel punishment I can think of for someone who is not even hurting anyone. It did not help me. It made me want to hurt my self 500x times more. I went in very depressed. I came out & attempted. It was beyond horrible. That attempt was 18 months ago & when I survived it I promised my best friend I would never, ever try anything ever again. and I've kept my word -- even in the beginning when it was very hard to do so. and I still want to keep my word. I don't want to end my life. and I know, I just know that if I have to go through being trapped, strip searched, kept from my pain meds, being locked in with other people who want to give me more ideas on how to hurt myself & having to lie about being "much better" in order to get out of the horrid place, I won't survive through the end of the year. So that's why I want to avoid the hospital. I want to live.

Anti-depressants take 6 weeks to work. So what's the point of being locked up for 3-6 days anyways? I'm sorry for those who disagree with me. But I am very strongly opposed to involuntarily committing people except when they are a danger to others.

I think I probably can't go through with finding a psychiatrist. There's no way of knowing who can be trusted until after the fact & I can't take that kind of a chance. The last psychiatrist practically killed me from Serotonin Syndrome brought on by him prescribing a dose that would have been high for someone twice my size. Fortunately, my neurologist figured out what was going on. But the idiot psychiatrist refused to listen to him & said he was keeping me on that dose & adding yet another medication since the pharmacist wouldn't allow him to go any higher on the Wellbutrin. That's when I quit him & the stupid Wellbutrin. My heart rate came down within 36 hours, I started sleeping again by day 3. Life was not rainbows & puppy dogs, but it was a whole lot better than it was on the Wellbutrin. Everyone I knew noticed the difference in me right away. Even people at work who couldn't figure out why I was different.

So I'm just terrified. How do you know who will try to hurt you or who will try to help you? I suppose there is no way to know in advance.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/3/2009 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,

I mean you no harm at all and don't want to scare you. I want to help, but I want to be honest: you aren't making any sense. You need to get help because you're getting paranoid and you're not coherent. Something isn't right and you need to talk to a doctor who will try and make it right. No one is out to get you or to lock you up. No one is going to involuntarily commit you. You don't need an anti-depressant. You need something that's going to calm your mind and help you focus on what's real. I am absolutely not casting judgement, I've been there myself. I've been on a dozen different meds, easy, including several anti-psychotics. But I have a husband at home who tells me when I'm not making sense and need to take care of myself better. Maybe you don't have anyone who does that for you. So I'm saying: you need to take care of yourself better and get some treatment.

How do you find a doc you like: look at your insurance list and try one. If you don't like the way he/she feels, try another. It's tedious, but it's how it's done. Take along someone you do trust, like your best friend, for instance, to help you decide if the doctor is trustworthy.

I'm really worried for you. I know things aren't going well right now, and this is making everything worse. Please please please look into a psychiatrist.

Be well,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


esoR
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jan 2007
Total Posts : 4147
   Posted 11/3/2009 7:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frances,
Your post does repeat a lot, but to me it does make sense. You had a horrible experience at a psych hospital and you have no intention of repeating it and you do not have to. NEVER joke at any of these appointments about "I'd rather die than...." These are just sayings. We all say them. BUT these expressions can and WILL be used against you. I was in a terrible physical mess after a surgery (my colon, rectum, and small bowel were all scarred together). I could not eat due to repeated small bowel obstructions and could not pass stool due to scarred colon and rectum. One time I went for a rectal dilation of the scar tissue, had done the prep, fasted for 24 hours, and was all hooked up to an IV for sedation. The doc I was seeing at the time who had tried to help figure out the complications said NO dilation today. I was desperate to get some relief and be able to defecate. I said "Do you want me to shoot myself now or should I wait." In about 2 minutes 5 guards forced me into a wheel chair and took me to the psych ward of this major medical center. My nurse in the psych ward was this tattoed man wearing skull earrings, leather and chain. I kid you not! I was locked in this room with only my hospital johnny and my cell phone. Luckily when the psychaitrist heard my story she said, "You don't need a psychiatrist, you need a surgeon to fix this mess." With that she let me go. (13 months later I finally found help, the best that could be done for me.) But, I am still severely traumatized by this experience and all the other docs who wrote me up as crazy because they did not understand the damages done by the original surgeons (or they understood and did not want to deal with them due to the Wall of Silence where docs protect each other.) I have seen the darkest side of medicine imaginable. Prior to all this I taught elementary school for 17 years and was very good at what I did. Now that I'm luckily fixed up the best I can be, I am traveling extensively. So only when I was in trouble fighting for my life and seeking a surgeon to save my life was I written up as crazy and tossed in psych wards. I do feel your pain. While you do need a med to quiet your mind and give you some peace, you have a right to be as scared as you are because you were the one who had the bad experience. My heart goes out to you. Good luck. Rosemary

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/3/2009 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Rosemary.
In my case, I wasn't joking. I am very, very conservative & it really was horrifying to me that I wouldn't have a choice about stripping naked & having to stand with no clothes on whatsoever whilst people talked about my scars & took down notes. I shower at the gym with a swimsuit on; I use changing rooms in spite of the fact that others run around the locker room without anything on at all; I have never been naked in front of anyone else in my entire adult life. I don't even let my GYN do breast exams on me because it is against my morals. Being strip searched was one of the lowest points of my life. That was all I was trying to communicate to them. Knowing what I know now, I would have chosen my words more carefully. Actually, I would have never gone within 500 ft. of the psych hospital.

As for the new counselor, she said she thinks I need to go to the hospital & be on meds. She thinks I need to be on anti-depressant meds.

My PCP thinks I need to be treated for hypothyroid psychosis. And she is trying to treat me for that.

I don't know. There probably isn't much point to anything at all except hiding under the covers. I feel so horrible. I don't want to keep ruining everybody's lives, but honestly it's just not worth it to me to risk getting locked up. I was willing to see a counselor & try to work on my thinking, but since that's apparently not an option without meds, there's no really point to anything.

thanks to anyone who tried to help,
frances

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/3/2009 8:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Frances,
 
I am so sorry that you are suffering so right now.  And I do know that you are afraid right now.  Afraid of the unknown.  And I am so sorry for what you have endured.  Nobody should have to go through that.  I realize your fears right now, psych hospitals can be very scarey, and I understand why you don't want to go.  But you do need to talk to somebody.  Have you talked to your friend lately?  Can you trust them?  What about family?  Do you have any brothers or sisters that you can talk to? 
 
I think you have a ton of stress going on and I pray that things get easier for you.  I think that the stress is piling up and it is making you miserable.  Can you just relax for a while and get some rest for your mind and soul?  Maybe together we could make a plan for you, so that you can feel better.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  If you want to talk, my email is always open to you.  I wish that I could be there for you and make everything all better.  I am praying that things get easier for you. 
 
When I made the comment about the hospital as a vacation, that is what my mother did.  In no  way was I refering to you.  Just so that you know that.  I know that you had a bad experience and that you were in a horrible place where they treated you bad.  And I am sorry that ever happened.  You didn't deserve that. 
 
I hope that you feel better soon.  Try to get some rest and try to contact somebody, like your friend.  You are in a situation where you need some help right now.
 
Thinking of you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/3/2009 8:51 PM (GMT -7)   
hello I would like to say i'm very sorry if i said the wrong thing to you?? It was not intentional in any way whatsoever. I was just trying to help and make some suggestions to you!! So i will not send you anymore posts/replys because i really dont like to upset anyone at all ok. Hope all goes well for you.

best wishes,

beverley.c.
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/3/2009 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Rosebud,

I don't think that you said anything to Frances to hurt her feelings. If anybody did, I think it was me. And I don't think that she means what she is saying right now. I think that she is just in a bad place and is venting some too. So please try not to take it personal. She doesn't mean anything by it other than she doesn't want to go back to the hospital.

You are a sweet person and I know and Frances knows that you wouldn't say anything to hurt anybody.

Take care Beverly, Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/3/2009 9:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
Thanks for your help. I am just so scared right now. Like I said, I can't even post the worst thing about the psych hospital on here because it was too violent. I think I've posted before about what my life was like growing up -- so being trapped in a place where I am basically tortured and afraid I will be attacked (with good reason in that case) is horribly traumatizing. If people were allowed to leave when they wanted to, I think I would probably have a much better view of it. I went to a different hospital for IOP & that was okay because if we really wanted to, we could leave at any time. It meant dropping out of the program for good, but it was an option. Plus I got to have my pain medication, my Spinal Cord Stimulator & I got to go home at night (which is always the hardest time for me).

I posted to the thyroid forum because maybe that is a better place for what's going on right now. I know others there struggle with swinging emotions. I've been tested for bipolar & am not, but sometimes it seems like I can go from feeling alright to feeling like the world is ending without much time in between. Cold is the only thing that helps & I know Judy & some of the others in thyroid understand what that's like even if none of us get why it helps. I hate the cold, but it does make me feel emotionally better. Something to do with hormones or something. I'm not sure.

I just feel so awful. I'm trying to see if I can find anyone who knows anything about the Neurendocrinology lab at U Chicago. They help figure out a whole plan for people with endocrinology probs (like thyroid disorders) -- eating schedules, nutrition, vitamins, thyroid meds, sleep schedules, plus they try out sleeping meds & psych meds if needed (though they make it sound like those are a last resort, which I am glad because hypothyroidism & psych meds don't always mix so well). It sounds like it is run more like a long-term sleep lab, than like a psych ward & that would make me very, very happy. You get your own room (safety) & it sounds like you can sign yourself out AMA if need be.

I'm just so terrified right now. Maybe I don't make a lot of sense. I haven't been sleeping that great. and I thought my pain specialist was wanting to lock me up or kill me & so I stopped taking my pain meds (pain + withdrawal= :(
I don't know what else to try. I don't understand why that stupid counselor wouldn't even TRY to help me unless I was on meds. I even agreed to go ask my PCP for psych meds (which was really hard for me to do). But when I asked she said she wasn't ready to do that yet. She wanted to adjust my thyroid meds, wait 6 weeks, re-test & if it came back normal she would put me on either anti-anxiety or anti-depressant meds or both. She's pretty much the only person I trust right now.

My idiot best friend went out & got herself addicted to crack. So she's not much use right now because she will almost always pick crack over me (which sucks, b/c she's my best friend & I want to help her, but I'm drowning in my own probs right now). I tried talking to someone at my church on Sunday, but I felt like everyone was watching me. I think that probably wasn't true. Maybe one or two people were because I was crying (not outloud, just tears), but I think probably most of them weren't really watching me, but it felt like it, so I didn't talk with anyone. My family & I mostly don't really get along. Talking with anyone other than my little sis makes things worse -- it always has. I feel bad talking to my sister, but we had dinner a week ago & I do like spending time with her even though she lives like a hour and a half away.
I've been thinking about calling a few friends from college. We usually get together every month. Probably they would be good at helping me. That was a pretty good idea, thanks.

I'm also going to try to get back in to seem my pain doc. He told me I could come back any time. Having to deal with depression/anxiety/paranoia/thyroid issues PLUS chronic pain is just way too much to manage (I'm sure you can relate to at least the depression+CP part of that). I feel bad going to see him again before I am better, but I don't think I will be able to focus on getting my thoughts straight until the pain is back under control.

ugghhhh... so many issues. when will it all end???

Post Edited (Frances_2008) : 11/3/2009 10:55:32 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/3/2009 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Frances,
 
I didn't realize that thyroid issues could effect a person like that.  I knew that it could cause a lot of problems, but until you posted about it, I didn't realize all that there was to it.  You have really opened my eyes. 
 
I am sorry your friend is into crack.  I have friends that are addicted to things, and I know how you feel about wanting to help them.  But it is so hard, especially when you have so much of your own problems going on.  But when it comes to trying to to depend on an addict, it is hard.  They can't make plans to do anything because they are always looking for other things.  It is sad though, especially when you really care and watch them live their lives the way that they do.  And then they are just trying to keep from getting sick. 
 
I hope that you do call somebody that you can trust and that they can be there for you.  I realize how hard this is for you right now.  I guess it is going to take some time to tell if the doctor is on the right track with the meds.  That is always a hard part.  I am changing my antidepressant right now, and it is a very slow process.  I am not feeling bad though so it is working out alright so far.  I just am waiting to see how it is going to be when I completely switch over.  I hope that the new med works for me. 
 
Frances, you just got a whole lot on your plate right now.  With the thyroid issue and the mortgage situation.  No wonder this is so hard for you.  And you have children too to worry about.  I hope that coming here can help you sort some things out so that you can clear your mind and relax some.  I think calling your friends is a wonderful idea.  And I am so happy that you have a good relationship with your sister.  I met mine for the first time when I was in my thirties.  She was born in a mental institution.  My mother couldn't take care of her.  She couldn't take care of herself so they took her away.  But we finally did meet and we have a good relationship for the most part.  I do most of the contact.  She probably wouldn't talk to me much if I didn't initiate it, but she is usually glad that she did.  She has a lot of problems, and I can understand why.  She is bipolar.  And has some other disorders.  But is happy for the most part.  I am happy for her, she has a good man and he treats her good.
 
I hope that you are feeling a little better.  Take a deep breath, relax and maybe do some meditation.  That might help with the pain.  I am sure that you are suffering from not taking your meds and I wonder if the meditation would help in that matter.
 
Remember that I am here and you can always email me if you want to.  I am usually up kind of late.  I work afternoons now and I can't seem to go to sleep before one or two oclock. 
 
Take care my sweet friend.
 
Hugs, Karen
 
PS I wasn't sure if you had children or not, I was assuming that you did.  but then I read in your other post that you were high risk.  So now I am not sure.


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 11/3/2009 10:36:20 PM (GMT-7)


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/3/2009 10:45 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks, Karen. I will maybe email you later if I can't sleep. My idiot neighbors sell oxy out of their condo at night, so that wakes me up sometimes. and then, of course, the worries start. and usually don't stop. until eventually I have to get up & go to work, which of course starts a whole new world of fears & worries.

yeah, thyroid regulates pretty much everything in your body -- temperature, iron levels, b12 levels, appetite, metabolism, heart rate, blood pressure, stress, depression, energy levels, sleep & probably 4 dozen more things that I'm too tired to think of right now. It can go high & make you look and feel like you have an anxiety disorder. It can go low & make you look and feel like you have a depressive disorder. It can create a storm in your brain so that your emotions swirl around & you become like a bipolar or a psychotic. Your thyroid can become toxic & attack you like an autoimmune disorder. Pretty much it can totally screw with your mind & body. My current PCP has pulled my old charts & found that every time I have been in the hospital -- in patient or out patient -- with really bad depression, my TSH (measures the thyroid distress signal) has been in the 20's (it is supposed to be below 5). So I was already dealing with feeling out of control with my thyroid, then the job loss/foreclosure/bankruptcy/guy breaking into my kitchen hit and that piled stress on top of the thyroid issues. I'm sure there's gotta be a way through this, but it feels like I am running into a concrete wall with archers shooting at me and a tornado coming up behind me. and I get that those are just feelings & not everything I feel is based in reality, but that doesn't make me feel any less scared.

night, night,
frances

PS -- that's kinda cool that you met your sister in your 30's. I wonder what it would be like if I just met my sister for the first time now. I can't really imagine. I'm sure she would be very happy anytime you call. It's too bad that she can't take more initiative, but at least you understand why so that's good. I hope maybe she will get better some day so that she can be there for you more. :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/3/2009 10:51 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Frances,

I hope that you have a good night. Sweet dreams.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 11/4/2009 2:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances, in your community do you have some sort of disabled / mental health advocate who can work with you and speak for you to ensure you aren't hospitalised against your will?

They do exist here in Australia, but we sometimes have to do a bit of searching and asking around to find them. I'm thinking about a professional, disinterested person, who can calmly state your case for you and back you up.

I am sending a caring hug your way. I am so, so sorry you are struggling this much right now.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/4/2009 3:04 AM (GMT -7)   
  
hello Frances,
 
just a little message to let you know that you are in my thought's!!
I am truly sorry that you are in such a terrible situation and i hope you recieve all of the help that YOU deserve. I am here for you ok Frances,i am not against you. I hate knowing so many beautiful people,suffer so much every day! It's not fair hey?? Stay strong Frances and all will be better soon.
 
my sincere thought's,
 
beverley.c. smurf blush smurf turn smurf
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/4/2009 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the idea, Ivy. Sadly, here in the great state of Illinois at least, the advocates are only activated once you already are involuntarily committed. I don't know about the rest of the US, but we only get them to make sure we aren't mistreated within the institution (though they have to announce they are coming so short of something especially egregious, they don't get caught -- though I did see them that once when the patient was horribly injured), or to go to court for us. But we have this stupid law that lets doctors involuntarily commit patients for up to 72 hours with no court intervention until after the fact. Just about any reason at all can justify a commitment from what I've seen. After the first 3 days, they have to go to court to argue to keep a patient committed & that's when I could potentially have an advocate. I really like the Australia method a lot better.

I even went to the ER one time because I couldn't keep any food down for nearly 2 weeks. I was so sick & my PCP at the time told me to go to the ER so I could get checked out. They did a GI scan & it came back normal. At my PCP's advice, I had quit my job that day b/c she said I was endangering my life to keep working while so sick & I couldn't get time off since I was a teacher. Well, that apparently triggered the Mental Health Team. Fortunately, I was able to sneak my cell phone in the bathroom & contact an attorney to help me. I didn't even say anything remotely troubling except that I was throwing up every day & that I had quit my job -- wasn't depressed. I later got ahold of the papers they had started against me & they said I was delusional because I told one of the people that I wasn't worried about money because I would get a job within a week or two (and sure enough, I had one within 3 days). That hospital has since been investigated & reprimanded for sending an unusually high number of patients to psych hospitals (they don't even have their own psych ward). Some people are just hypersensitive. As it turned out, the nausea was due to swelling around the base of my brain. So it wasn't in my head -- well, not the way they were trying to make it out to be.

I've just had so many bad experiences with doctors who want to rush to diagnose mental health disorders because they are too lazy or stupid to figure out what's really wrong, so I'm a bit more wary than most of being diagnosed with a primary mental illness disorder. I have no doubt that something is wrong. I absolutely agree that at a minimum I have one or more mental illnesses secondary to something else (and maybe they are primary, but I'd like them to spend more than 3 minutes thinking about it before making the decision). I've never in my life had thoughts like this. I really thought that it was all related to that guy who got into my home. I have been having flashbacks to when I was younger & was brutally abused in my home (broken bones and such) and that's been very hard on me. My sister went through it as well & she is the only one who understands. but I felt bad always complaining & crying to her, so I thought maybe talking to a counselor would help.

I still think it probably would, but right now my insurance won't let me change my counselor again (I had to change this time b/c the insurance still owes the last counselor $25 & I don't have that much money to just pay her. I asked her to overlook it since she did get paid $85 from my insurance already, but she sent it to collections.). So I'm stuck not knowing what to do.

thanks for your help,
frances

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/4/2009 7:37 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks, Beverly. :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/4/2009 10:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Frances,
 
You sure have been through some horrible situations, and you still come out helping others here and I just don't know how you stay sane, but you do.  You are a strong lady and I admire that.
 
I really hope that things turn around soon for you.  You deserve a break from all of this.  I wish I was rich so I could send you on a nice relaxing vacation.  You deserve it.
 
Keep posting and let us know what is going on.  We all love you here and wish the best for you.
 
I will talk to you later.
 
Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 11/4/2009 6:41 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,
Who said I am sane??? (hee, hee)

But seriously, thanks for all your help. I was just completely at my breaking point. Thank God that I finally got a free attorney to handle this for me. It is just too much of a mess. I also called my former counselor (the one I still owe $25 to) to ask if I can schedule another appointment with her -- hopefully she is not as in love with meds as this last one, I only saw her once. I called this morning & spoke with her receptionist, but haven't heard back yet, so I'll try again tomorrow. But I feel SO much better now that I don't have to deal with all the drama surrounding the foreclosure. My new attorney even said that if any[/]one else comes into my building before the bank has possession of the property that I am to immediately file a police report & then send the report to my attorney. She said it's wrong & illegal & she will take them to court for free just out of spite. (See, I told you she's on my side.)

I'm so very tired right now. I feel like I could sleep for 50 hours. I'm going to bed early tonight.

take care,
hugs,
frances
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