I actually don't know where to start. I've called 1-800-SUICIDE several times and hung up because I'm scared, I guess.
I've been depressed pretty much my entire life. Everyone always said it was because I wanted attention...so I figured they were right...and thought that I didn't need counseling. Now, however; it's just been getting worse. I guess in all reality I know where a lot of it stems from, but healing myself has been the real issue.
I started being suicidal when I was 6. My mother caught me with in my bedroom. I basically didn't want to live because I had been molested, my step-father beat me all the time, and my mother didn't care or would let it happen. So, at that age I thought I was just worthless to them and that's why I thought I didn't need to be around.
The next time was later in life...I was in 7th grade. I had no idea why I tried doing it, but it felt like the right thing to do.
When I was 15 I used to myself all the time because I felt like pain would make everything better. I lost my virginity that year and the guy that I lost it to ended up being a real jerk. He swung at me, used to call me names, etc. But I "loved" him so the day he broke up with me was what felt like the worst day of my life... Never did it so bad I made it to the hospital, but what else was I suppose to do to make the pain go away?
Around the age of 16 my mother and I got into an argument about
how she never treated her children right. She used to let my step-father beat us...she never did anything for us. I told her about
how I was molested several times and she never did anything about
it. One time I told her the day after it happened and even had a witness to what was going on. She flat-out called me a liar. Told me she didn't believe me and I lied about
everything. That day I felt so useless, so unloved...by my mother. It sucked. I moved out of her house and in with my grandparents.
Around this same time I started dating what would become my high school sweetheart. We were together for 2 1/2 years...and then it went to hell. I moved away to go to college and everything was fine until I told him my ex-boyfriend had stopped by my apartment for nothing, but to say hi and hang-out (and that IS what really happened). A few days later...my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't near me. I found out later he had been seeing someone else almost a week after I left for school. It destroyed me. I was all alone in this new town, no friends, nothing to help me through it. I started myself in the bathroom... and started being a little more promiscuous...I needed to feel "loved" or "wanted." It wasn't enough and eventually I sat down on my living room floor with the I had in my apartment and took all of them... after I was done taking them I went to the store and got more. As I was laying down to go to sleep...my ex-boyfriend actually stopped by...and at first didn't notice, but then I finally told him I didn't feel well. He took me to the hospital. They pumped my stomach...hooked me up to a few machines... and stayed in intensive care for 3 days. . I promised myself I wouldn't do it again... I was 19.
Now, here I am..24 years old. I've been happy. I was married. I went into the military. Some things were fine...but now everything is coming down on me again.
I was told I have a tumor: Pituitary Adenoma ...it's a brain tumor on your pituitary gland which in turn prevents you from having children.
I could have surgery, but after doing my research I found out that if I have the surgery the chances of having a baby afterward is still very slim. The day I found that out destroyed me.
Eventually, I didn't feel good enough for my husband. Our relationship ended after 2 1/2 years of marriage. I'm currently in a relationship and I'm feeling like my depression could end this one as well. I don't want it to.
But, really, I think it has to do with the fact that my grandfather (my father figure) passed away in August...and NONE of my family ever called me to make sure I was okay. I felt like I was alone a lot. My family didn't even care to ask how I was. My family didn't care about
So, I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel worthless. I get scared living the house. I get easily frustrated. I don't want to work. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to live basically...because what's the point of living if I'm worthless to everyone?
It's just getting terrible now. I cry a lot. I'm alone. I lost all my friends. My family. My husband. The ability to have a baby. The ability to converse with people. I have constant anxiety attacks. I start shaking violently. Please help me...or at least refer me to someone who can. I am pretty poor so I don't have the finances to pay for psychologist. Nor would I know how to... but if you know of maybe a free service for people like me...at least I'd be a step closer into helping myself.
I feel like it's only a matter of time before I decide I can't take it anymore.
Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 11/3/2009 6:08:12 PM (GMT-7)