I'm new..w/ depression, PTSD, and anxiety....

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Luna:)
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/5/2009 2:20 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi, eyes I'm new here, and I have to say it's strange posting my thoughts on a forum like this. But I also feel quite isolated in what I'm going through right now and I thought perhaps this would be a good place to find some support, advice, and even some compassion. I've been suffering from major depression now for two years. I am told I also have Post traumatic Stress Disorder, which is also causing major anxiety and OCD. The PTSD comes from things I went through as a little girl but kept repressed until something else traumatic happened 20 yrs later and it all came flooding out. It really hasn't stopped ever since. I was in hospital for 3 months initially because the sudden major depression pretty much rained me completely, and I have been in therapy since.

It all still feels very surreal, as if I am living someone elses life. This is never how I imagined it to be. I am married, but have no children yet and my husband has been great, though it is a huge strain on him, and he doesn't really know what to say anymore, not do I really open up to him as much anymore because it doesn't seem to help either of us. He just wants me to 'stop woorying', but I"ve been doing it so long, I don't really know where that off-switch is. I turn thirty before the end of the year now, and instead of looking forward to it, I just feel like I'm a huge failure and 30 will just stamp me as someone who could have really made a go of it but wasn't strong enough. I never wanted to be dependent on my husband financially or for constant approval, in fact, that was my mission in life, to not be that...yet here I am and I'm not sure I can win this one. I'm just so tired. Even after two years of what seems like doing nothing, I feel like I have no energy to achieve anything. If I make myself a sandwich, or take a shower it's a BIG deal.

I wonder if the medication or therapy should have helped more by now. I have therapy for 45 min every 2 weeks. Initially I had it with this really great lady (psy. nurse) that I felt I could tell anything to. But she went on maternity leave and now I have to talk to a guy, which is already 10x more difficult, and he is a psychologist/behavioural therapist that wants me to try EMDR. It all sounds ok, however, ever since I was transferred to him, nothing much has happened except him prying from my lips what happened to me as a child. HE writes down little notes, like he's taking inventory, but never comments on what I tell him. For me it's like I'm sharing all these huge secrets more in a confessional when I kind of feel like maybe he should be saying something when I tell him stuff, to make me feel better. It just doesn't feel completely right.

In any case I was wondering if anyone else has experience with this and if I am getting the right help. I know this is in my brain and that it's not something I can change overnight or solve myself. But is once every 2 weeks in this way enough? What treatment is usually recommended? And what can I do to stop feeling so very very lonely and like I am wasting everybody elses time or space? I hope someone out there will reply to this. Thank you for listening yeah

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 11/5/2009 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
First of all sweetie, you are not wasting anybody's time.  This is very important.  Hopefully you can hang on until your regular counselor comes back off of maternaty leave.  But this guy is probably writing stuff down so he doesn't forget, also notes for her to reflect on.
 
Ptsd is a gradual process.  The mind protects us and only lets us remember as we are able to deal with it.  And if all this information is flooding out, that means your mind is strong enough to handle it.  You should be taking notes too as you remember these things.  LIke I said your mind protects you, it wont give you more information than you can handle. 
 
Most of all, know that you didn't do anything wrong.  You were a victem.  Somebody treated you badly in an unforgivable way.  Though forgiveing is a relief, they don't deserve it.  So be angry, cry when you need to.  You deserve these feelings and you deserve to get this all out and then move on.  You are a wonderful person that was hurt as a child.  It is unjust.  I know, but I think that you can handle this a little at a time.  LIke I say, write it down on paper.  That way you can acknowledge it, accept it, and then move on with your life.  The life that you were intended to live.
 
Keep posting, as we are all here for you.  We support you and we care about you.
 
My email is always open too, if you ever need to vent about things that we can't say on the forum.
 
Hugs sweetie,
 
Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/5/2009 8:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Luna:

Welcome to the board. It sounds to me like you don't click with your counselor very well. If this is the case, I'd really recommend looking for another one. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find someone you like. But if you don't feel like you can open up to him, then it's not doing you much good.

My psych just moved a couple of months ago, and I had to find a new one. I really liked her, I'd been seeing her for 6 years. To have that kind of support pulled out from under you, much the way your counselor went on maternity leave, is really disorienting. I only now, 4 months later, have found a new psych I like. I've tried 4 since then. Sometimes it takes a while.

Good luck and hang in there!

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 11/5/2009 11:11 PM (GMT -7)   
sounds to me as though you need to find the right therapist. does take a bit, i did and stayed with him for 4 and a half years. mine was once to twice a month. quality over quantity is my ethos. how much is up to you-fortnightly sounds good, need time to think and digest, just my thoughts. i wish you really well. nobody is a waste of space and time, ok!! with loving compassion. jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Luna:)
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/8/2009 11:53 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for all your advice. It's so nice to know there are people to talk to. I know how dangerous it can be to be alone with your thoughts for too long as you tend to talk less and less to people about things, so this is really great. I'm afraid things are not getting any easier here. I just heard that my father has been diagnosed with Leukemia. I have a fairly strained relationship with him so I don't really know how to feel about all this. My main concern is with my mother who has gone through so much grief already partly because of him, and now he is going to be sick. I just don't know how this is going to develop or how I am going to cope with it. I've already had increased muscle pain and diarrhea since I heard. (Sorry if that's gross)I have a therapy appt. Tuesday, so I will bring it up then. I will also bring up my concerns about not feeling at ease with him. He was supposed to inquire about my previous therapists availability, because she is slowly returning from maternity leave. I wish she could just become available again so I don't have to readjust an tell my story ALL over again. I'm actually quite scared. I feel like I'm blocking my feelings a bit right now, but there is much there. Thanks again:)

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/8/2009 12:40 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

EMDR can be effective in treating PTSD in some cases, but I wouldn't recommend you go into that with your new psych. It is very very important that you first establish a sense of trust and a feeling of safety with the person you will be working with. EMDR will deal with the traumatic memories and you need to prepared for that emotionally and part of that preparation like I said is also having someone that you trust and that knows you well enough to help you debrief from the sessions after. So I would highly recommend you hold off on that. If your old psych. returns from maternity leave and wants to look into that with you, then you could consider it at that time.

45 minutes every two weeks is a good start, but if you find you are getting more PTSD symptoms coming up or memories emerging etc. an hour every week would be the minimum that I would think would be needed. But like Jamie said, every two weeks does give time in between sessions to process things out. It kind of depends on where you are at in the journey - what's coming up - and also everyone is different in how much time they need etc.

It's great you posted here. Sometimes it just helps to share your thoughts and get them out there within a caring support network. This forum can be great that way.

Is your old psych. coming back after maternity leave? If so, then you have that to look forward to. If not, I would either look for someone you feel more comfortable opening up to - probably a female therapist, and/or try sharing with this present therapist that you need him to give you more feedback and work on establishing better communication with him. Bottom line though is you know who feels right for you and just because someone has a degree as a therapist doesn't mean they are a proper fit for you or that you should tell them your life story. You need to listen to your heart and just share what is comfortable and with who you feel good doing so with. Trust yourself on that.

Take good care of yourself,

embers

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 11/9/2009 2:48 AM (GMT -7)   
well said embers. luna, good luck, follow your instincts. my compassion to you. jamie. one day at a time!!
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/9/2009 12:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Right back atcha Jamiee! :0)

Hope you're having a nice day today, embers

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18748
   Posted 11/10/2009 1:06 AM (GMT -7)   
smurf   smurf smurf jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Luna:)
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 11/13/2009 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi guys,sorry it took me a while to respond, but I've been very tired and thinking too much.I told my therapist I felt I needed to talk to someone else. I felt he was actually a bit arrogant about it. First he was clear that he thought it was weak of me that I brought my husband into the session. He thinks this is for emotional back-up and he wants me to not need that, but I feel I need my husband there sometimes, especially in a discussion like this, because my memory is VERY bad right now, and I want to be able to discuss it later, and because any changes in my treatment will affect my husband too. He basically told me my previous therapist, who s back part-time now, doesn't have the time to see me, he doesn't know of any other people in the building that do EMDR, and that I am free to look elsewhere but he has no clue where I would need to look. In addition to that I felt he was very insensitive when I told him I just found out my father has leukemia. As this is kind of what my sessions have been like with him: me telling him really painful stuff and him just not reacting, it struck a nerve and I told him I wasn't comfortable with him, that I don't think he is funny when he makes strange comments, and that he is way off the mark when he is judging me for for bringing my husband in. I am so tired of waiting for and fighting for the care I need. I don't understand if these people are trained to work with traumatiszed people, why they cannot adjust to the individual needs of a person. I mean at this point, I just need someone to talk to. I don't even know if I'm strong enough for EMDR. My poor husband comes home to an inactive sad wife every day and doesn't know what to say anymore either. My psychiatrist who works with this guy always tells me, stand up for yourself if you need something and if you need an earlier appointment just call me. So yesterday I work up the courage to call her and apparently she must have been on her way out because she had her secretary call me and say that I don't need an earlier appointment. It's like they gave me medication and expect the way I feel to go away by itself. I wish it would but it won't and I've been like this now for 18 months. And I do try and fight it. I make myself eat and get dressed every day. Sometimes I even get so far as to walk the dog, but I don't seem to be getting much further than that. Anyway, I guess I'm just venting. I am tired, I'm scared, and I'm venting. I"m also fighting the urge to think it was wrong to tell my therapist how I feel. I wasn't trying to hurt his feelings, and if he is professional I shouldn't have, but it just seemed he was a bit ticked. But it's true, I want to talk to someone, not at them.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40574
   Posted 11/13/2009 10:08 PM (GMT -7)   
I can certainly understand that you want another therapist. I hope that you can find one. It sounds like the one that you have now is not very sympathetic with you. And I don't see anything wrong with bringing your husband to the sessions. I think it is great that he goes.

Let us know what is happening with you and if you find a better therapist. Not all of them are that good. Maybe a female therapist would be more sensitive to your needs.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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