need some advise PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/6/2009 5:00 PM (GMT -7)   
cry   hi i would like some advise in regards to my 22yr old daughter. She has been a drug addict since she was 15yrs old.
Her name is Rebecca and she has a daughter,my grandaughter who is 3yrs old and was taken away from my daughter by dhs
2yrs ago and it breaks my heart that she's not with me or her mother. Anyway im having an issue about my daughter,the last time i heard from her was about 6weeks ago and the phone call i got was hi mum im in jail can u bail me out!!! I couldnt afford it anyway she spent over a week in jail and i went to her court case and stood up for her even though she has done so much wrong,but i love her so much and just cant hold it against her.
My issue is that since the court case and even before that she never ever rings me to see how i am or anything. My mum talks to her behind my back then tells me all this stuff about her that i didn't even know. But i'm very angry,sad my heart aches as all i want is to talk to my girl but i cant as she wont answer or tells my mum she has no credit on her mobile. to me it's just excuses
as she could atleast send me a txt message just to say hi mum im still alive. this morning my mum say's to me lets go and see
beccy on Monday for a couple of hours but i cant do it and i dont know why???? All i do is cry when i think about my beautiful child,but i know in my heart that i have truly lost her to the drugs and criminal activity!!!! What do i do as i love her so much but just cant see her face to face at this time but my mum just keeps putting the pressure n me and saying i wouldnt just drop my kid's like that. She is trying her hardest to make me feel like *****. aND IVE HAD IT NOW NO MORE I CANT TAKE IT....... mad eyes mad cry skull sad mad
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/6/2009 5:28 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  i think iv'e come to the conclusion that my daughter blames me for her horrific childhood,as she was sexually abused by her father whom i married and if i had of looked for the signs maybe i could have stopped it. She was 5mths old when he started and i found out when she was 5yrs old. I left her father when she was only 3mths and when he had access to her that's when he did these horrible things to her and yes thats my fault because i should have know'nbut i didn't. How do u take that pain away from ur own child,i just cant imagine. So i brought her up on my own after all of that then she left home at 15yrs when she got into the drug's. But i have definately come to the conclusion that she does blame me for what happened when she was just a bub!!!!! Sorry this breaks my heart, gotta go now.  thanks anyone.
iv'e never felt this sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! mad cry mad cry
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/6/2009 6:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Beverly,
 
I am so sorry.  This just breaks my heart.  Your daughter has an addiction problem.  This is like a disease.  You don't know for sure that she blames you.  Does she go to any counseling?  I am sorry that she treats you this way.  But we do hurt the ones that we love.  She comes to you when she needs things.  This is typical behavior for and addictive personality.  Have you thought about going to alanon meetings or even reading about addiction?  She may have a lot of pain from the past, and this could be her way of overcoming it, but that doesn't mean that it is your fault.  You didn't' know.  So please don't blame yourself.  It really isn't your fault. 
 
I would try to talk to her about counseling, and try to get educated with addiction problems.  You might find some insight.  She is not herself.  And you might see worse from her.  But it might get harder before it gets better.  We are here for you through this.  Lean on us.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/6/2009 7:19 PM (GMT -7)   
cool  hi karen,
 
my daughter rebecca has been having councelling on and off since she was 5yrs old,but when she turned about 13-14yrs she told me she didnt want to do it anymore and wanted to put it all behind her?? So that stopped and thats when she started to use stuff. Then at 15yrs she left school and met the fahter of her daughter Tahlia-Rose who she said got her onto the drugs and he still is an addict. Anyway after Becc left home things just went from bad to worse. I remember when i was in hospital one time for about 2weeks and while i was in there my house was broken into and my safe that was under the floor was taken which had thousands of dollars in there that i had saved and also all of my medication was gone,then 1 week later again broken into and all of my clothing,shoes ect gone. Then i found out that my daughter had done all of this,which is very sad but i still cant hold it against her and have forgiven her for what she has done to me. What i cant or dont understand is why does she only contact me if shes in jail or she need's money ect!!
Why cant she just ring me and say hi mum it's Becc im letting you know that im ok and maybe ask me if we could get together for a coffee or just a txt msg for me. I never know from day to day if my child is still alive and thats the next call that im dredding,saying she's overdosed.
Also karen becc has been to about 8 different places to detox and rehab but she never lasts the full time in there and the day she gets out she uses drugs straight away. I have spoken to her about some councelling for the both of us to try and bring us back together and help her with her addiction but she wont do it. so i have really tried everything i can Karen and now have hit a brickwall with nowhere to turn. ive tried alanon and other to no avail. all i want is my daughter back,it feels like she has died and there is someone else in her body,thats the only way i can describe how i feel. And next week i have to go back to the court for Tahlia my grandaughter to find out what the future holds for her the poor little girl,she's only 3 and for the last 2yrs has been in care with D.H.S being pushed from person to person. the poor thing is really starting to suffer and that also breaks my heart. She deserves better than having a life like that. and i only get to have her once a week,not enough!!!! im going to apply for full custody of her as i know that i can look after her very well and she loves me so much. But regardless of all of this i will forever blame myself for what her father did to her.....
 
thankyou Karen
 
beverley.c. cry cool cry cool cry cool cry
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/6/2009 8:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Beverly,
 
I hope that you get custody of Tahilia.  That would be so good for you.  You would know that she is safe and that she is loved.  That is what she deserves.  And you deserve the love that you will get from her too.
 
You really have to stop blaming yourself for this.  How about you going to counseling on your own.  I think it would help you to quit blaming yourself for this.  Sure you could have stopped it if you knew it was going on.  But you didn't.
 
When we are addicted, we don't think right.  For one thing, she might not be able to face you.  But does when she needs money and stuff.  But have you told her to contact you once in a while just to let you know that she is okay?  What did she say?  Yeah, okay?  But then she doesn't.  I think she is on a guilt trip too for doing the drugs and doesn't want to face you.  Which means that she still has some respect for you. 
 
My older sister use to do things like that to my mom.  She would say she was coming and never show up.  My mom would worry.  But my mom lost her kids to drinking.  And she was wanting to get her back for that.  I don't know.  Until she gets a clear head, I think she will be this way.  There is nothing you can do to change her, but you can work on your life and pray for her.
 
I hope that this helps some.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/6/2009 9:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Rosebud,

It sounds to me like you are doing everything you can do, and more than many would. There is a time for everything under heaven, and at some point your daughter will come face to face with herself and will hopefully wake up and change. When that time comes she will realize that you have been there all along - loving her, reaching out, caring for her little girl. So all that you are doing right now is like sowing seeds that will grow into a garden and when summer comes those seeds will bring forth a good harvest.

I know it can be so painful to see someone you love hurting themselves and feeling like you can't help them. But again, that is where you just need to believe that she is still there inside and some part of her sees you reaching out, and your love is getting through, even if it doesn't yet show. Keep faith that she will come around.

Your grand daughter is very blessed to have a grandmom that loves her like you do. I was so relieved and glad to read that you will try to get full custody of her. The stability that will bring her will be priceless. Bless your heart!

I guess your mom probably has a different relationship with Rebecca - different dynamics - and so doesn't understand how you feel. Maybe your mom isn't as in touch with some things as you are either. You sound like a very sensitive soul and sensitive people feel things much deeper and process things differently than folks who have a 'thicker skin.' The world needs both, but sometimes it can be hard one to understand the other. Just try not to take it personally when your mom gets on you to visit Becca. I know it must be sooooo hard, but like Karen said, you can always come here for support. And maybe that will help you stay strong in dealing with stuff with your mom and family.

I wish you every success and a very happy ending and new beginning with all that you have shared. Again, never doubt that the actions you are taking now will pay off in the end. My own husband reached out to his daughter for years, but she pushed him away, fell into teh wrong crowd etc. Then out of the blue she called him in her mid twenties and wanted to build a relationship with him. They are now the best of friends and she has emerged as an incredible young lady. Anything is possible!!!

Take good care of yourself,

manyembers

PS - I have prayed for you and if you believe in God, keep praying for strength, cuz it really will make a difference. :0)

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/6/2009 9:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen,

Just wanted to also say that your response was very insightful here - very good advice! And as always, full of compassion and sincerity.

This forum is truly blessed to have you here!

Embers

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/6/2009 10:25 PM (GMT -7)   
cry  hi to all that replied to me,
 
i cant thankyou all enough for ur lovely replies.  i am trying to do everything i can for Rebecca but it's just not working anymore,so maybe i need to let her go until she can respect me and get clean or would that make her more hostile toward's me?? I just dont know anymore. and yes manyembers what you said in ur reply said it all.  It's truly heartbreaking when you see a beautiful young girl at the age of 15 turn into an old looking 22yr old with rotten teeth from the heroin. Its so saddening and the worst part is I CANT HELP HER and i know that but i have to try atleast. I also found out that she has been prostituting herself for money to buy drugs,i cant comprehend this. Sorry if im rambling a bit it's just ive never really talked about this in such datail and it hurts like hell. and yes i am a very sensitive person and alway's have been and i hate it,and when depressed you take things to heart, well i certainly do. I have now decided to back off and let her come to me,but only if she is clean and has some respect for me,as with all my other prob's going on aswell it will be to much to handle.
 
thanks again to all,
 
beverley. cry eyes blush cry skull
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/6/2009 11:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again Beverly,

Yes, sometimes we do just need to back off and release our loved ones into God's hands. Maybe it will be through someone else that the help will come.

I think a person can only take so much, and you know your limits. You are doing well to respect them and to take care of yourself.

I think getting support for you - maybe there is some kind of local group for parents of kids with addictions? But someone who can help you walk this through who's been there done that or has professional expertise or other parents who can identify with what you are feeling - accessing that kind of support could be a good idea for you too.

I'm so sorry that this situation is what it is. I do still hope and pray that something will turn around, but it's not on your shoulders how things go. Just keep being true to yourself and trust yourself so that you will not get dragged down with this situation and that you just do what you feel is right either way.

all the best,

manyembers

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/7/2009 2:07 AM (GMT -7)   
cool  hello Manyembers,
 
Thankyou so very much for ur kind words of wisdom. Everything you say makes perfect sense to me,but i need to put it all into place for ME!!! And also as you said you know ur limits, well i have reached the point where i know that if i dont back off now and start looking after myself for a change,i'm going to end up in the hospital again having another breakdown,which is what i'm trying to avoid. I'm also scared about the posibility of going back to the pschyc hospital because last time i was there a very sick man in there was ****** harrassing me and when i didn't advance towards him he lost it and beat me up and i'm still going through with filing charges against him but is very hard as he is classed as a sex offender?? The police told me he will probarly get off with a fine because of that reason,not good enough hey??? It's been
10 months and my face is still not the same as he's damaged my cheekbone for good. Again ManyEmbers i thankyou so much for ur very kind words to me atleast someone cares.
 
Look after YOU,
 
beverley.c. idea blush idea blush
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/7/2009 9:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beverly,

Just checking in on you today, as I have to work. I am happy that Embers has helped you. She is wonderful.

I know that this is hard for you. Watching your daughter do this to herself. And I am so sorry about the whole thing.

But as Embers said, take care of you. She may get help eslewhere, but it will still be help. And this will make you stonger.

Please be strong. Take care of yourself. I will talk to you later. Darn job anyway. lol...

Luv and hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/7/2009 5:58 PM (GMT -7)   
cool  hello Karen,
 
How everything going for you? Well i hope. Thankyou for checking in on me,ur such a kind and wonderful lady and dont ever forget that ok!! yes it's very hard to see my girl looking old,needle marks all over her arms and other places and she used to have the most beautiful teeth but they are now dark yellow and black with rot. she used to dress to perfection just like i do but now she might only shower once a week and dresses terribly and this is what drugs do to people it;s just terrible to see Karen. And the prostitution,i never imagined in my wildest dreams that my child would sell her body for money?? Cant comprehend it all,just heartwrencing is what i would call it. But i do know that i have to look after myself otherwise who's going to be there for my darling Tahlia who is the meat in the sandwich and it's not on anymore,so i will put a stop to it and soon. On the next court case i will apply for my full custody and then i atleast know that she is being loved and cared for unconditionally. Karen i hope everything is going well for you. I hope ur still enjoying ur job to?? I know that some day's we just dont want to go to work but we have no choice do we?? We have to survive somehow!!!! i hope that you have a good day at work and enjoy your weekend to.
 
Thankyou to a special lady,
 
beverley. smilewinkgrin yeah turn tongue
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/8/2009 9:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Beverly,

Thank you for the kind post. You always bring tears to my eyes. You are so sweet to say such kind things to me.

I have to work today so this will be short. I am tired this morning. With the wreath making and the job. But I will be okay once my body gets use to this. The wreathmaking doesn't last long, just for a couple of weeks. I don't do it like I use to. I use to make garland and all that good stuff. But not anymore. But the garland was gorgeous. But didn't make much money on it.

Well, like I said, this will be short. I hope that you are feeling well today. Keep us posted. You are a wonderful lady my friend. And thank you for all of your support.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 11/8/2009 4:18 PM (GMT -7)   
cool   cry Hi Karen,
 
How are you?? Sorry to hear that your so tired and can you have a rest at anytime through the day?? If so do it as you deserve the rest.
thankyou again for being so kind to me,as i said it's nice to know other's care. I was also reading in ur reply about ur wreathmaking that must be very hard work for you?? How many do you usually make in a day/week ect!! It sounds very interesting and also gives you an outlet i suppose? Do you make good money from them or just enough for the materials? You should try and sell them on ebay or take them to a market do you have "MARKETS" in the usa?? You can make great money at markets Karen. Anyway I hope you have a wonderful day and dont work ur self to hard as you may exhaust ur self.
 
Take care of YOU,
 
beverley. smurf smurf
diagnosed with C in 2001.
colorectal anastamosis 2001.
surgery went horribly wrong,swab left inside,emergency surgery 2001.
total colectomy & ileostomy 2001.
surgical complication's-abcess,more surgery 2001.
more complication's-stitches come apart inside and ended up having more surgery and blood transfusion. 2001.
infection at lap site,another abcess. 2001.
i spent 12mths in Cabrini Private Hospital in Melbourne.
1993 diagnosed with endometriosis,then age 27yrs had radical hysterectomy then 2 mths later lost both ovaries.
2005. bi-lateral mastectomy,heart attack on the table,also contracted MRSA in coronary care unit,had staph for about 12mths. pic line for 6 mths for venus access,for daily antibiotics.
march 2009. op on a parastomal hernia & re-fashioning of stoma. Then complications,huge abcess in small bowel & peritinitus,emergency laparotomy to remove,icu for 5 day's. I think that's enough, no more.
Am taking AVANZA for my depression & ocd!!!!!!!!!!!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 11/8/2009 10:54 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Beverly,

Thank you for the nice post. I got my day in at work, I am glad. I don't feel too bad, a few aches and pains. lol...

How are you today? I hope that things are going well for you. I know that you are going through a hard time right now. But you sound to be in good spirits. That is wonderful. I know, we have to continue on with life, right?

I use to have a flower shop and a plant nursery. I use to sell a lot of wreaths in the winter. For the holidays I mean. I just don't have the energy to do that much anymore. So I donate a few to the animal shelter, and I sell a few to a nearby store. Enough to make my money back in materials that I buy. We cut our own greens, so that helps.

I hope that you are having a nice day. Keep us posted on how things are going. And thanks for thinking of me.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Malice
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/10/2009 1:51 PM (GMT -7)   
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