Still fighting this rotten diseases Depression and the cancer .Not sure which one is going to win .
Since i was in here last a few things have changed .
My daughter has moved out and my house is now clean and tidy most of the time until she comes to visit .Or i`m just to sick to even care which has been more the case lately .
Last week i had a melanomia and a SCC removed and lots of sun spots frozen so looking such a mess atm which does not help to the low feeling i`m experiencing for the past few months .
I have not been in i just cant sit on the computer just not wanting to talk to anyone .
I have been in so much pain with my face and also my back .Life certainly has been hard .
But when my son commented that it was so much nicer being at home now because there were no more arguements ( since his sister moved out ) it really made me think of the damage that has been done to her over the years .Even though i have tried so many things to help her she must be feeling so bad within herself i know how it has all effected me .
I bought these feelings up with my psychologist last visit but we had to stop as i was so upset i was having chest pains and couldn`t breathe .All these thoughts have come about as i have a friend who i use to talk to online she lived on the other side of my country and she is suffering from severe depression and has tried to end her life but she texts me and lets me know what she is doing and whats happening .this made me feel so sad as she has a 12 year old daughter and i think of the damage she has done to her daughter made me realise what i have done to mine over the years and i just cant cope with it .
Last time i spoke to her i asked her to think of her family and not make the same mistakes that i had made in my family . since then she has made more attemps i do not answer her back anymore as i just can`t cope with it all .
I even tried caring for animals again some days i find it really hard but i manage .
L ast week i put our old dog to sleep i could not watch her suffer anymore all my kids were in agreeance but my hubby just thinks she went to sleep and didn`t wake up ( she had a large tumor on her head and she had arthritis so bad she was in so much pain just trying to stand up.I feel so sad and so bad for doing what i did but she went to sleep peacefully and isn`t suffering anymore .I have decieved my husband and for that i feel so bad yet i can`t bring myself to tell him .Two of my children were there with me when i put her to sleep and the others all knew about it .This is the first time i have ever killed a living animal i do not know how people can live with themselves after killing animals everyday .