It`s been a while and some things just never change

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snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 11/7/2009 8:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Still fighting this rotten diseases Depression and the cancer .Not sure which one is going to win .
Since i was in here last a few things have changed .
My daughter has moved out and my house is now clean and tidy most of the time until she comes to visit .Or i`m just to sick to even care which has been more the case lately .
Last week i had a melanomia and a SCC removed and lots of sun spots frozen so looking such a mess atm which does not help to the low feeling i`m experiencing for the past few months .
I have not been in i just cant sit on the computer just not wanting to talk to anyone .
I have been in so much pain with my face and also my back .Life certainly has been hard .
But when my son commented that it was so much nicer being at home now because there were no more arguements ( since his sister moved out ) it really made me think of the damage that has been done to her over the years .Even though i have tried so many things to help her  she must be feeling so bad within herself i know how it has all effected me .
I bought these feelings up with my psychologist last visit but we had to stop as i was so upset i was having chest pains and couldn`t breathe .All these thoughts have come about as i have a friend who i use to talk to online she lived on the other side of my country and she is suffering from severe depression and has tried to end her life but she texts me and lets me know what she is doing and whats happening .this made me feel so sad as she has a 12 year old daughter and i think of the damage she has done to her daughter made me realise what i have done to mine over the years and i just cant cope with it .
Last time i spoke to her i asked her to think of her family and not make the same mistakes that i had made in my family . since then she has made more attemps i do not answer her back anymore  as i just can`t cope with it all .
I even tried caring for animals again some days i find it really hard but i manage .
L ast week i put our old dog to sleep i could not watch her suffer anymore all my kids were in agreeance but my hubby just thinks she went to sleep and didn`t wake up ( she had a large tumor on her head and she had arthritis so bad she was in so much pain just trying to stand up.I feel so sad and so bad for doing what i did but she went to sleep peacefully and isn`t suffering anymore .I have decieved my husband and for that i feel so bad yet i can`t bring myself to tell him .Two of my children were there with me when i put her to sleep and the others all knew about it .This is the first time i have ever killed a living animal i do not know how people can live with themselves after killing animals everyday .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 11/8/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Snowflake,

Please don't feel guilt over your daughter. That only makes our depression worse.

Maybe taking some time and talking to her, letting her know that you understand would help. It surely would make you feel better.

There are things in life that happen that we can't change, but we can certainly pick up the pieces and put things together in the present.

I hope that you and your daughter can get together now and talk about things. Just don't blame yourself.

I have to get ready for work, so this will be short. But know that we are all thinking of you and that we care.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 11/8/2009 2:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi snowflake,

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. It's good you're in therapy. Even though the pain of talking through these things can be bad, it's so much better than holding it in. Keep that up.

I'm also very sorry to hear about your dog. It's incredibly sad to take care of a sick animal, and it's sad to have to put them down, and it's so hard to lose one. Don't discount your pain about this. It's traumatic, and you've suffered a loss. Be kind to yourself.

Take care,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 11/8/2009 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi snowflake,
I'm glad you're posting again, but sad things aren't better for you. If I remember you lost your internet, right? Did you get it back on now?

I will be praying for you that things get better for you. Karen is right about trying not to take everything on yourself. We all do the best we can & have to let go of the rest.

Please know that we all care about you & you can post here any time.

blessings,
frances

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18761
   Posted 11/9/2009 2:59 AM (GMT -7)   
my compassion to you snowflake. hoping things get better soon. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 11/13/2009 1:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks everyone this sure has been a friendly place to come a great escape .
This past week i just feel as though i want to be by myself and every day my daughter has come back and leaves such a mess behind ,one day i really went off at her and then after felt like it was wrong but i`m tired and had enough of picking up the mess left by them all the time .She just wont do anything to help herself it`s like she just cant see whats going on around her ,For quite a long time she has had lumps in the lining of her bottom eye lids and i`m so concerned with all the cancer i have been through .I kept on asking her to go see the dr or better still the optomertrist .This week one became so big it looks nasty so with the optomerist being in town for two days finally got her to go i even went with her as she didn`t want to go on her own .Well they are not cancer but she does need both eyes operated on to have them removed as soon as possible and then he examined her eyes now she is so mad at me because he said he was so shocked as to how bad her eyes were she couldn`t see very much at all and now needs to wear glasses all the time .( She used to have them when she was younger but would not wear them .)I know she is on a very low wage and i told him when he prescribed the glasses so have arranged for her to pay them off .I just hope she has the sense to wear them this time before more damage is done .I`m hopeing that she will stay at her house for a few days now and leave me in peace even though i just get the feeling she is lonely where she is living and that is why she is coming up each day .
Karen i have tried talking to her but i just find it so difficult my psychologist is going to discuss the issues next week when we meet i`m hoping she can help me also .
My oldest daughter gave me the news she is expecting a baby late June she has been so sick with morning sickness and yesterday bought up the dvd of her ultra sound to show me .Jut to think my baby is actually having a baby is so exciting but then she asked me if i would look after the baby while she goes back to work .I would normally be so honored to care for the bub but i`m not sure i am going to be able to .Will just have to see how things go .
Frances i was without the internet for a bit and not sure how long i will have it for i`m just finding it difficult to manage the income we have as my hubby is into investing in the share market and we have lost so much .Every now and then he goes off as to where all the money goes and then i think this is one thing that i could do without ,but i have no other interests except for my knitting( i knit little beanie hats for the Cambodian people who have nothing much in their lives a lady takes them over there every few months ,it is the only thing i can do when i`m in so much pain ) now i really do not want to give it internet away as it is really my only escape from all that is happening in my life atm .
The weather has become really hot out here this past week and all my energy has gone the only time i go outside is to check on the animals to see if they have enought shade and water eversince i had the cancer surgery i can`t stand the heat and find it really difficult to breathe in it .Our home is air conditioned all the way through i just hope it does not break down life would be extreemily difficult without it .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 11/13/2009 10:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Snowflake,

Even though you are going through some difficult times right now, you sound better. I hope that your daughter's eyes will be okay. And congratulations to becoming an expected grandmother. I love grandchildren. Don't let your daughter put too much on you if you don't feel you can do it. She might have to make other arrangements for the time being.

I hope that you feel better soon. I am so happy that you posted. It is always nice to hear from you. I hope that the animals will be okay in the heat. I know it gets hot there.

Best wishes to you Snowflake.

Don't get rid of your internet.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


snowflake
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 595
   Posted 11/23/2009 6:28 PM (GMT -7)   
It`s very hard to find the time to come in here lately when hubby is home i am on the go the whole time .Just feel as though i can`t sit for five minutes .I know there is so much to do with christmas approching very quickly but my heart just isn`t in it at all ( has not been for a few years now just does not mean the same anymore ).I dread even going shopping these days .Some Christmas this year i`m going to spend the day on my own hubby as well as all my kids are working will just be me any my animals .
We were planning to go away for new year but hubby came home yesterday and said he was working it also might even consider going away myself just don`t know yet will hope my pain settles down a bit before even considering going anywhere .I have another appointment with the chiropractor tomorrow think he will be shocked to see the bruises he left from last weeks treatment and all i can say is that the pain is so much worse than before the treatment but i suppose it will get worse before it gets better .
Karen i am so looking forward to becoming a grandma will see how things go as it is a long time before the bub is due .
This past week it has been so hot here with temperatures reaching 49 this current cool change and even some rain has been so welcomed .
Snowflake

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 11/23/2009 7:57 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds like a rough chiropractor. Does it hurt where the bruises are? Or did the adjustment work for you? I hope that it was the latter one.

I have most of my Christmas shopping done. Just got a few things to get, but I started in August this year when I was making money. I am still making money now. But the winter bills are starting. So that comes in handy. Our heating bill gets really high. And the electric goes up too. I hope that we don't have snow like we did last year. We spent a lot in snowplowing. Oh well, that is winter. Taxes are due again too, so I will be saving up for that. I also would like to have a new laptop. I heard that they were on sale at Walmarts so I think tomorrow I will go and look at them. I am due for a new computer. This one doesn't work well half of the time. It is slow. So maybe a lap top would be better.

I am ramblling again. I did that in an earlier post. So I will end here.

I hope that things are going better for you Snowflake. You have ordealed so much for such a long time. Would you enjoy going someplace by your self? Kind of a mini vacation?

Keep us posted on what is going on with you. How are the animals? I hope that they are doing well. I know that is a lot of work, but I know that you enjoy it. Take caer my friend.

Hope we can talk again soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18761
   Posted 11/25/2009 2:19 AM (GMT -7)   
snowflake, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. with loving compassion. jamie. one day at a time. here for you always.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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