I used to be a better person. Truly. I was never a happy child, a happy person... but now I am worse than just not happy: I am bitter.
The last two to three years of my life have been wraught with nothing but illness, depression, and anxiety attacks. If its not one thing, its another. And if one more person tells me that it will "all get better" I will reach over and strangle them. It won't get better. I have a chronic illness now, and as far as I'm concerned my immune system is not going to fully recover where I won't get sick anymore.
My depression is not overwhelming sadness... it is anger and bitterness, and sometimes I hate myself for that. I would rather be sad than hate everyone for their health and happiness. Yes I know there are people worse off than me. Hell the doctors even thought I was worse before they ran tests on me, but I've been diagnosed three times in the last two years for several different illnesses and I don't even know if I can believe them this time.
How do I even begin to look at people without hatred and annoyance? How do I even begin to heal? Just because I laugh some times does not mean I am suddenly not depressed anymore. And just because I am somewhat social with shallow callous people does not mean I don't secretly hate them.
Just what am I supposed to do??