Hello to everyone that responded to my initial post, and anyone that is reading this thread. I just want to thank you all for taking the time to do so. Does misery love company? I'm not sure...but I will say with certainty that I felt a small bit of relief to know that I am not the only one that feels the way that I do.
I have several thoughts about the responses. One thing is, Karen and serafena, with all do respect, I am pretty sure that medication is the wrong answer for me. I am so completely overmedicated now. Advair, QVar, Singulair, Claritin, Nasacort, Xopanex/Pulmincort nebullizer treatments when needed, saline/Pulmicort sinus washes, bi-weekly allergy shots, daily Copaxone injections (for the MS), and a host of other drugs including antibiotics and Predisone when needed for my frequent infections & asthma flare-ups. I guess I am just fed up with the whole thing, and honestly, these doctors are not God and researchers are not all-knowing either. My thought is WHO KNOWS what long term damage I am doing to my body being on all these things at the same time. When I first started the asthma medication in 1998, I needed one--count it, ONE medication as needed. With each one that was added over time, the need increased for more and more to control symptoms that seemed to become stronger and more resistant. It reminds me of the drug tolerance lesson that I was taught years ago when being told when schoolage about how some people have a need to progress to stronger illegal drugs to get their "high" (e.g. marijuana stops being enough, and some people move on to cocaine, heroin, etc.). Please do not take this the wrong way. I believe that depression is an illness that needs to be treated, and for those who are on medication and it works, I APPLAUD and congratulate you--really. I am absolutely not comparing these drugs to illegal drugs. I am just saying that, I am hoping that, via spirituality, counseling, and other alternative methods, I can get out of this mess of my life without any more meds, because my experience has been: more meds begat....more meds...lol. They are literally one of my biggest problem (the number that I am taking, and the side effects of some, etc.). I have been to a few psychiatrists, by the way. The last one that I went to was the one that helped me get off of the Abilify and Zoloft a month and a half ago and sent me to one of the two counselors that I am seeing today.
Karen, I am truly unhappy in my job and profession in general. That is not the depression that is talking--it is the absolute truth. I made a horrible major choice in college and was too scared to change late in the game and was on a four year academic scholarship and felt pressure to finish in time, feared debt back then, etc. I figured I would "just change" if I didn't like the field once I got out...and I never did, because I could never figure out where my happiness and talents lie. But I have known that it is wrong all along. I work in finance. I love the arts and think I just need to do something related to helping people. I could not be any more ill-suited for the field and environment that I am in. Every day I wear a mask. I tire from the exercise, but I do it anyway. I have spent time meeting with recruiters, taking career change tests, reading, going to career fairs, etc., so I haven't given up on figuring out the mystery.
Becky and Christy, thank you for your words regarding the family factor (in my case the loss of my grandmother and her not seeing me married with children). It is a fear that manifested itself, and now I am on to other aging family members, with the hope that they will witness my joy at some point, and that I can bring additional joy into their lives during their remaining time on this earth.
SB1050, I know what it is like to feel like the odd man (woman) out in every social situation. I hope that you figure out whether that relationship is worth salvaging or not. It's no fun to be stuck with the wrong person either--that, I do know.
I know that I need to start working on positive thinking. It is just so hard to do so. My friends that were in my area have married and/or had children and moved back to my homestate or elsewhere. The very last one just had a baby last week, and is planning on moving back next year. She knows my situation and her, along with another close friend, are imploring me to sell my house (it would be a short sale and pretty big loss for me) and return to my homestate as well, to be closer to my parents and other friends (all busy with families of their own, I might add). I think it may be the answer, since I have no one down here....but then again, 8 years ago, I realized that my homestate wasn't making me happy then, (poor social/single life, high cost of living, colder winters, etc.), which prompted the move in the first place. But I would at least be near my family--small as it may be. I just feel that with aging parents, I may be wasting precious time being down here (3.5 hours away from them), marinating in my own loneliness, when I can be at least cherishing time with them and helping them out.
I don't know. I'm just not sure about what to do. I pray that the counselors can help me sort my life out and make good decisions moving forward. I am just so overwhelmed with the gravity of the situation.
Thanks again for reading and responding.