Baby stepping through thorns to get to the lilies

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Prozac_99
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/22/2009 11:20 AM (GMT -7)   
First, a little background info since most of you don't know me. I'm a single, 22 year old female from the US. I have been diagnosed with depression a second time and am currently taking Prozac (SRI), as you might guess. The first time I took another drug that happened to be an MAOI- so I'm trying to use that as my bright side.
 
In my desire to one day have a significant other, I decided to spend more and more of my time learning from whatever resource I could obtain. I came to the conclusion that it would be a good idea to hash out any problems I had when I was little, anything that could have an effect on my family. Piece by piece I started remembering what I call repressed memories (I don't know how else to describe them. I did end up getting quite overwhelmed. I have found it all so overwhelming that I'm deciding to take it one baby step at a time toward some sort of closure.
 
I imagine it best to try to start with the one that I feel easiest to describe, and move on from there.
 
When I was little, something happened and my mom "disciplined" me. I was about 8 at the time. I asked her a question I regret asking, "Don't you love me?". Her response to that question is one I'm having a hard time with, because to date I still see significant evidence that supports her answer. She said she would start loving me when I stopped making mistakes, that she never loved me to begin with.
 
I know I can't change what happened and what was said, but I don't know what to do with this memory either. I can know to never repeat those words to my kids if I ever have any, but I'm at a loss for closure, peace.... just wondering if anyone out there's been there or can share anything that might help.
 
Prozac_99
Depression
Young Onset Parkinson's


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/22/2009 1:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,

I can relate to some of what you are probably feeling. I remember being about four years old and singing a song I often did to my mother: "Mommy do you love me?" All I remember is her getting mad at me and me not hearing her say she loved me. My mom was a very unhappy lady. I felt like an orphan growing up between her and my absentee father. Aaaanyway...

There is healing. For me, it has centred around my faith. I became a christian when I was 18 and learned about forgiveness. I began to forgive my parents while at the same time they began to change. But what really got me through was understanding that God loves me. I figure someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong. What I mean is the way I see it my parents were wrong in treating me like I was not worth much because the Creator of the universe in my opinion has the final word and all the evidence I have found points to the fact that this Being does love me. So for me that changed everything in terms of how I felt about myself and as I developed a relationship with God I was able to have some of my needs for unconditional love and protection etc. met there as opposed to still needing my parents to fill those needs.

I also had repressed memories. I had signs of having been abused as a kid but no memories at all till my late twenties. At htat time I went through something very traumatic that shook things up and the memories began to come back in pieces. Journaling helped me the most and again, my faith. I did do some therapy. If you go that route, make sure you find a therapist you are comfortable with and perhaps ask around to find someone that comes recommended. The therapy I had - well, some was good, but some actually set me back. In the end, we know what we need, and others need to be there to support us in our journeys, rather than push their own ideas on us. A good therapist will simply facilitate things to make the journey easier, providing a safe place to unload and look at ways to process things together with you.

I noticed your post shows you suffer from young onset parkinsons. You might want to do some research on COQ10. From what I was told taking this in large amounts is a safe and very effective way to control symptoms of parkinsons (according to an aquaintance I know from the local health store.) Might be worth looking into?

In any case, I hope you will enjoy posting here. This is a wonderful forum with lots of great people who care and support one another.

all the best,

embers

Becky77
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2005
Total Posts : 1768
   Posted 11/22/2009 5:25 PM (GMT -7)   
I applaud you for searching out and trying to get to the root of things. It's not easy looking back at bad memories, but it is a healthy way to move forward.

I don't have any advice, nor do I directly relate to what you've said, but I'm glad you found HW, because you will find that you aren't alone, and most times someone can relate to what you're feeling.

I hope you continue to move forward in healing!
Becky

31 yr old female-dx with Crohn's in '97 after emergency resection and appendectomy, 2nd resection '05, Bilateral pulmonary emboli 10/09
Currently on Humira, Omeprazole, Effexor, Seroquel, Calcium, Vit D, sublingual B12, Coumadin


Prozac_99
New Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 9
   Posted 11/22/2009 6:19 PM (GMT -7)   
manyembers,

it seems as though we have a bit in common. I am a Christian as well. I have forgiven those who have abused me, though it doesn't erase the memories. I know talking through these will help me overcome a lot of embarassment, and maybe help me make a future spouse aware of my history without it becoming a guerilla in the room.

I have all the love I need, its a matter of how to process, how to handle or manage some of these tougher memories... if there's any habit or specific area of trust I can expect issues with. I am more curious to hear how others have handled this type of abuse, get ideas, see what I can afford and maybe even think outside the box a little bit.

Thanks,
Prozac_99
Depression
Young Onset Parkinson's


manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 11/22/2009 7:55 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again,

I'm glad to know you've got the Rock to lean on. :0) I hear you. Forgiveness doesn't erase the memories, and at times I have had well meaning christians tell me to 'just forgive' and all would be well. If only! It is part of what can bring healing, but yes, to process the memories there is deeper work involved.

Maybe some others here will have some suggestions that will help make processing things easier for you. I also applaud you for reaching out for answers for your journey!

take care,
embers
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