can't handle this

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lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/6/2009 5:30 PM (GMT -7)   
everyday seems to be getting better but then one thing spirals me back down. i can't stop thinking about all the horrible mistakes i've made. i feel like they just keep coming back to haunt me. i swear my sister (who used to be my best friend until i had to move in with her and her family) is completely different now.... ever since she got married and had a daughters it's like i dont matter to her. she isnt the sister i knew and loved at all.. i miss how it used to be when it was just her and i and then it turned into her family and me off to the side...




right before my major depressive episode two months ago she mentioned that she wants me to just go to college so she can get on with her life. how could she say that??????????? sometimes i think i hate her but i cant i love her. im so lost. after ... once i remember thinking she wanted to kill me when i got home. i was so afraid of facing her. shes like the number one person in my life but sometimes i just dont understand her AT ALL.



i also feel like i dont have a mother or a father WHATSOEVER.

bio dad left me, bio mom left me, adopted mom got sick so i had to move in with my sister and we dont get along well, sister is more interested in her own family now, adopted dad is annoying and acts like a child all the time.



i just want that connection with someone, where you can feel that they care.

i dont feel it with ANYONE



i hate being adopted. i hate everything right now. i just want to fast forward 10 years and praay that i'll be happy then.







LOVER'S SPIT

{Hi LS: I edited out descriptions of activities which aren't allowed by Forum Rule #1 -- thanks, serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 12/6/2009 9:38:10 PM (GMT-7)


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/6/2009 9:44 PM (GMT -7)   
LS:

It must be really lonely thinking you have no where to turn, but it's not true. Your sister clearly loves you and wants you to be well -- Going to college and getting on with your OWN life is a good thing, regardless of how she feels about it. As someone with a young child, I can tell you it's absolutely all consuming -- but that doesn't mean your sister doesn't love you anymore, it just means she has less time to devote entirely to you. So what can you do to fight your lonliness and make some new connections all your own?

I haven't read your whole story, so forgive me if this is repetitive. Are you still in school? What kinds of hobbies or outside interests do you have? Any opportunities to meet new people? How about work?

Be well,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 12/6/2009 10:33 PM (GMT -7)   
I really think Serafena is right sweetie, I think that your sister wants you to go on to college so that you can start to live your life. For you to grow and learn. I am sure that this is hard for her as she is probably torn between wanting you to move on and wanting you to stay. You are at the age right now of growing up and learning all kinds of new things. This is a beginning for you. hang in there my friend.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lovers spit
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
   Posted 12/7/2009 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   
ugh sorry i keep talking about.. the thing i'm not supposed to.. it just always bothers me.
 
but anyways.. i completely agree with everything you both have said.  it's just so hard for me right now.  like i know i'm SO much better since the peak of my major depressive episode.. but there are SO many things that keep eating away at me.  I just want to be happy.  I don't understand.  I used to be the happiest, funniest girl ever.  I mean when I try to be happy and forget about the depression, it's okay.. but i don't know... i just hate being labeled as "DEPRESSED" and labeled as having "ANXIETY"
 
 
i wish it didn't matter..
 
and yes i have a job but i think they're trying to fire me because they give me like 2 hours a week............ so.. idk. i was doing really good and then they just like all of a sudden started to hate me.
 
whatever. i dont care.
 
but yeah.. i'm a senior in highschool.  i get very good grades.. 3.7 GPA... i'm accepted into college already and everything.. and i know i can do it.. i just feel so horrible about my situation.  I feel like I'll go off to college and just sit there and rot and study and not talk to my sister or my mom like I did when i was so depressed.  I know they love me but for some reason i can't believe it anymore.  I don't feel their love.  Is something wrong with me????? I honestly feel like I'm crazy sometimes.
 
I know my niece, my sister's daughter is blood related and she just randomly came out of no where so that has something to do with it probably.  like ever since she was born it's been so weird.  I was so excited at first... but then i remember being so scared.  I remember thinking that my sister was going to be a horrible mom. 

I need to stop rambling..
 
Oh and I do have friends.  I hang out with them on the weekends.  It's fine, except my relationships were just so much better before I got so depressed.  Which I understand, but they obviously don't.  I told some of them and most of them understood.
 
 

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/7/2009 6:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Sounds to me like you're working through some very hard things: meeting your biological family, learning to deal with changes in your adoptive family, and dealing with a deep depression. My doc once explained to me that even after a depression has technically passed, it can take 6 months or more to "heal" from the depression. So don't expect yourself to be little miss sunshine all the time -- no one needs you to be, as long as you're improving and consistently doing better. Putting pressure on yourself to be happy all the time can have the opposite effect and cause even more stress.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


Hal2586
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/7/2009 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi,

I can relate with what you're going through. While I have both of my bio parents we have never been close.
My father has the emotional maturity of a 15 year old and has verbally abused me a few times.

What I was reading about your sister though reminded me of my brother and I.
He went to college for engineering but failed at that. so then he decided to change his major while taking classes at a community college.
And he keeps failing those classes. Mostly because he'd rather spend all day playing video games.

I know that it's difficult to understand your sister at times but it sounds to me like she really, really cares for you and wants so see you succeed and try hard at life. She ultimately wants you to be as happy as you can possibly be. But it also sounds like she is getting tired of you not doing what she feels you need to.

I hope that you can be patient with her and maybe even sit down and talk to her in depth about how you feel and the way that her words hurt you sometimes.

I pray the best for you...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 12/7/2009 8:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Hal,
 
Welcome to the depression forum.  You have really come to a good place where all of the members are really kind and compassionate.  I think that you will like it here.
 
I am sorry that your father verbally abuses you.  That is so unfair.  But I always remember when somebody is mean to me, it means that they are unhappy.  As you said he isn't well.
 
I hope that you are feeling well, keep on posting.  Again, welcome.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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