heading into deeper depression

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conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2009 2:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi

I am seeking help and support. I suffer from depression and a 'perfect storm' of bad events is threatening to drag me even deeper.

I am married and have 2 beautiful children aged 6 and 2.

Over a month ago I lost my job. The job was stressful and overwhelming so it was in one sense good to not be there, the timing however, has been horrible. I lost the job in part because I was not fulfilling all my duties adequately and also due to other economic factors they decided to let me go. I feel that I failed in certain areas because I felt overwhelmed and incapable (and I know I am capable...but it is how I felt), and the company had me running this store completely by myself...and I failed to handle all the duties, and being everything for the job.

My wife at first took the news somewhat well. Realizing I made the mistakes that cost me the job, and knowing we have to understand what happened, but turn our attention to moving forward, finding a job and getting life back on track.

Also, for about 2 or so years I was not being open and honest with my wife with our financial situation. We were incurring lots of bills, often exceeding our income. So by the time I lost my job, our savings was in the red. I know I am wrong for having kept it from her. I did it out of fear. I hate arguing, and I was afraid of the confrontations, not ever thinking that withholding it all that time would lead to an even bigger shock and problem when it was found out. I know how wrong I am for being dishonest, or hiding the information from her.

Its now been 5 weeks that I have been job hunting. Bills are piling up. One week ago my wife kicked me out of the house. She is angry with my withholding the truth about finances (rightfully so) and she feels I am not trying hard enough to find a job (which is her perception). She has said all she ever wanted was security and I have taken it away. She doesn't want to consider me coming back until I fix things and prove myself.

I know I have done things wrong, made mistakes, and ultimately failed to provide the security she needs. But I love her more than anything, and I love my kids more than anything and I am doing everything I can to prove to her that I do love her, and that I will work at giving her the security she wants. But with each passing day it gets more and more depressing because jobs aren't there. I have been making a little money here and there with work I have been doing on my own, and it has reduced some bills, but it is not nearly enough. I have possibilities and interviews. but they don't make me any money.

Today is my birthday and I am even more depressed because I will not be celebrating with my wife and kids. I feel like giving up. The only thing that keeps me going right now is the love I have for my wife and kids. I hate what has happened because of me - I just want to be home. I feel so alone and depressed and I don't know what to do.

Also: I suffer with a mild-medium depression (have had bad bouts a few times in my life as well). For many years I coped with it on my own. After being married for 3 years I realized it was a burden to my wife and it affected our relationship, so I saw a doctor who started me on Effexor (that is a whole other story). I came off of it after almost 2 years of not being convinced it was effective and eventually wound up taking Lexapro. I weaned of Lexapro between August and October.

Thanks for any encouragement, advice or prayers given. I need every bit I can get, because right now I feel isolated and alone in the world.

Linx
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 12/7/2009 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   
came across your message and can say that this is a time of year to be depressed. I'm out of work as well and suffer from bi-polar illness and although I don't have any children my spouse has times when they feel I'm not trying hard enough. My therapist at times needs to remind sad spouse that sometimes the illness prevents me from being full out there. This is a very hard time of year period and then the economy isn't any help. I feel for you as I think you are trying, and that you do have what it takes but that your depression may have you at this moment. Please don't give up. The days are short right now as far as day light and that affects us and there are so many factors to take into consideration. One step at a time, do you have a roof over your head?. can you visit your children? what other little lights are there in your life. Maybe you can ask your wife out for a cup of coffee and start from there! Start with little things and work your way up even if it is slow.....you'll get there. "try a little prayer"

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/7/2009 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Conian,
 
Welcome to the depression forum.  You will find a lot of support here. 
 
Have you thought abuot talking to a counselor?  They could help you get things into perspective and possibly help you with your job hunt.  It is true, there aren't many jobs right now.  It is hard to find one and find one that you like. 
 
Keep looking, something will turn up.  But you may have to work something out of your field temporarily.  But I guess we have to take what we can get at the moment.
 
I like the suggestion of maybe having coffee with your wife and talking things over.  I can see her point of getting angry at you as you also seem to understand that.  But maybe starting over with a clean slate will help. 
 
I hope that things get better for you.  Keep posting.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/7/2009 7:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the thoughts guys.

As for counseling...where I am located there are no real counselors. She also never really took time to understand the symptoms of depression. She has, though, sent me a number of web links to suggest that I am bipolar, which I question a bit...but I understand as well...

She is basically telling me I can't come back - or she won't consider it - until I get a job and show that I am 'fixing' things. Which I have been doing to the best of my ability for weeks now and I despair that if she can't see it now when is she going to see it, especially if I am not allowed to be 'home' for her to see it.

The coffee thing is a good idea, however, she says she doesn't want to see me because she gets tense and angry when I am around. So I don't know how I can get that to happen. It is a good suggestion, just need to figure out how to use the idea in principle in a way that she will be accepting of at this point.

I got a beautiful bday card from my daughter...I cried...It says 'Daddy I hopp you have a good birthday because I love you.

I can't stand being away from them. My heart just feels so crushed inside me.

I feel so lost and alone.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/7/2009 8:25 PM (GMT -7)   
What if you found work elsewhere, I know that you want to be near them, but you need a good job.  For yourself and for them.  Maybe you could find something say within an hour away.  That way you can come and visit. 
 
Do you think that you will have to get an attorney to see your daughter, or does she let you see her?  I really hope that you can work things out.  Not only are you going to do this for them, you are going to do it for yourself too.  Getting a job is really important, and they are few and far between.  I think that you should realistically think about having to move to the work.  I think that then you would be able to work things out for the two of you. 
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2009 1:59 PM (GMT -7)   
I just got another rejection - they don't need anyone at this time. It was my most promising lead.

I am feeling crushed. I am feeling like giving up.

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/8/2009 7:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there, conian. This will improve. I'm so sorry things are so hard right now.

serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 6:39 PM (GMT -7)   
Still no job...another application filled in...actually 2...hope things will happen soon...I feel desperate

Depression is no worse today...but not much better either. Feel hopeless. Tried to self inspire with optimism and confidence, but it was short lived.

I'll keep plugging along. Thank you all for your words of support and advice.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/9/2009 8:13 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep your chin up. Something will happen. And bug the places that you put applications into, it really helps.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 12/11/2009 11:02 PM (GMT -7)   
yeah, keep bugging them. shows initative. don't give up. things will improve. my compassionate thoughts are being sent. even in the darkest of places the light still burns bright. keep posting, and being strong. i admire what you are doing, keep plugging away, here 4 you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/12/2009 9:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Still no job and my wife is still angry with me. She is not understanding at all and is being very hurtful to me right now as well.

I don't know what to do...I keep trying but I keep finding nothing.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 12/12/2009 11:50 AM (GMT -7)   
Just never give up Conian. 
 
Things will turn around when you least expect them to. 
 
Keep posting, as we are here for you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/21/2009 11:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Well, somethings are worse, some things are the same and there is a glimmer of hope as well.

My wife still doesn't want to forgive me, in fact she is saying this is it...I believe she cares more about money than our family and fixing these problems. I asked her if she would consider marriage counseling which she said would do no good. So as it stands, time will tell whether she gets over this or not, but the separation is permanent for the time being.

Still no job, and still the bills are coming with less and less means to handle them. I am feeling overwhelmed by it...sick to my stomach. I have a bill that must be paid before Christmas - electricity bill - because I cannot afford for the power to be turned off before Christmas - it would cement my wife's hatred even more. Its a $430 and I only have $50 in my pocket...so I am praying hard right now that I will get some business (I am doing pc repairs and graphic design wherever I can get a job to do it but it's been slim pickings) and be able to pay it.

The glimmer of hope is that I do have a Job interview tomorrow...I feel it is promising. The job is not what I am looking for, but will at least give me a reliable salary, and hopefully along with my business on the side will pull in what I was making before I lost my job. I also have another person who may need my technical skills in their business so, maybe one or both will pan out.

I haven't been feeling severely depressed recently, but I have been at a low ebb as my outlook continues to look dismal financially.

My only comfort has been the time I spend with my kids. I miss being there for them constantly.
Depression / Possible BiPolar
Asthma

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Phil 4:13

Post Edited (conian7) : 12/21/2009 11:29:15 AM (GMT-7)


Groffett
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 1/11/2010 11:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, Conian,
I see you have not written in awhile, and hope everything is ok.

Conian, I know what you are going through too well. I took all of our savings, IRA, equity line on the house, put it all in my business, and shut it down today after almost 3 years, losing it all. I have checks coming through my accts that won't be covered. I owe $3k in state tax, and my husband caught me trying to ... right after Christmas. I have severe depression that I have had since I was kid. ... No one knew. I have been married for 8 years and have a 4 year old son. Why? I am an honest, good person, and I have hit rock bottom. I hadto close my store, my only opportunity to pay the money back my husband worked so hard for. He doesn't understand how I feel, has tried more since my attempt.



I don't like to look back, only forward, but can't while my bank accts are red, and I cant pay the IRS. I have to find a job right away, because I haven't had a paycheck in 8 months and our personal finances are in trouble, especially since now we have to cover the equity line.

I have no solutions for myself, or you, only understanding through words. I know support is very important. I have a psychologist and a counselor I see (the counselor is seeing me on the basis of he may never get paid). I had a few friends with me today as my big outside neon sign was being taken down with a cherry picker and hauled to the dump.

I hope my sleeping pill kicks in soon, good night, Conian. Tina

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/12/2010 9:40:13 AM (GMT-7)


conian7
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 1/12/2010 12:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Tina

thank you for reading my post and I am sorry to hear your similar circumstances.

I realize I have been delinquent in updating my situation. I am sad to say it really is not much different. I am still outcast by my wife, and she seems content to keep it this way. She has changed the locks and basically won't even let me in the door. Says she doesn't feel comfortable letting me in the house. While I may have screwed up badly with our finances, I honestly don't deserve this treatment. I am not abusive physically or emotionally. I have shown nothing but love for her and the kids. Yet I feel she has criminalized me in her mind.

I haven't had a whole lot of depression lately. Small crying spell here or there, but in general I have become emotionally numb. The job hunt has still not yielded anything, and the 'personal' business I am doing isn't yielding much...but has helped in small ways.

I am glad to hear that your husband is trying to be understanding. We need support and love, and if you are indeed getting some of that that is always helpful.

I want you to know that I will pray for you, Tina. I have come to realize that placing my faith in God has helped bring me to a point of hope...hope that is not uncertain. In every time of despair He has carried me and helped me get through it. After every storm He has brought peace. He is healing me and I see, no matter what happens and where my road leads me, He will be there.

Thank you again for sharing. Take care.

Tim
Depression / Possible BiPolar
Asthma

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Phil 4:13

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