Help depression and dealing with a depressed partner

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lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/8/2009 2:44 PM (GMT -7)   
Right where to start my partner and i have just gone through a miscarriage, we have been friends for 17yrs before we got involved i helped her out of depression after an abusive marriage which end a cpl of months before we got together. After the miscarriage i developed symptoms of depression mood swings ect ect my partner seemed unaffected by this apart from being a little irratable but that was normal as far as i can see, we had an argument where she said some awful things and i lost my temper with her and pushed her up a wall and punch through a door. Knowing what I knew was worst possible choice as she had been through it twice before with both her previous ex husbands which I knew. I love her to bits but she has started to have panick attacks and not sleeping and is deep in depressive state she has taken me back but there is no intimacy at all which i understand but am struggling to deal with, I have sort medical advice and been prescribed drugs and anger management both of which i acknowledge I need but I'm unsure whether I can deal with lack of intimacy!!!! I need advice I want to be here to help support her through this but aint sure whether or not i'm doing the best thing????? If I wasnt here she has no support network locally and 2 children to look after, as her family live 20 miles away PLEASE can sum1 help me understand!!! Does anyone think this will ever get any better??????????? I just want people who have experienced this from either side to give there opinion.
 
1. Will the intimacy return???
2. Can I really help by being here or am i making the situation worse??????
3. Do you think we can salvage a relationship from this as I love her to bits and hope she feels the same??

serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/8/2009 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lee,

Welcome to HealingWell and to the depression forum.

Unfortunately, I just can't know when the intimacy will return, but I do think it will and I'll tell you why. She has a few marks against intimacy right now: your anger, her miscarriage and depression. Lots of women who go through that do not want to be intimate for a while afterward. Add to that her feelings of fear and alienation after your fight, and she's going to have problems. All that is further complicated if she's suffering through a depression. I do think you should stay if she wants you to -- prove how steady you really are. Miscarriage is very stressful for both partners! Suggest she see a doctor to get help with her depression and consider couples' counseling too. Lots of families who suffer miscarriages see counselors to help them get past it.

I hope this is helpful. Stay strong,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 6:26 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks for that, she has been to doctors today and been prescribed anti depressants and refered for councelling as she blames herself I think as all three serious relationships she has had have been violent I too have also been put on anti depressants and refered for anger management councelling and been given a self help book which seems to be working atm, although the more i tell her i love her the more i get it thrown back at me which deeply hurts and atm it feels like anything i do will neva be good enough. She continually tells me that she dont know what she wants and knows it drives me mad but she says she just aint sure!!! The uncertianty of it all is doing my head but I love her enough to give her the time she requires to get better and assess what she wants no matter how hard it gets for me as she has 2 kids whom i adore.
I think also she was deperate to have children aswell as her kids is the only thing she thinks she has ever done right but cant have them due to complications so trying again is not an option!!! I know she feels the loss as do I but cant even acknowledge that the miscarriage was real!!!!
as far as couple counselling as far as she is concerned atm there is no us and besides if we need councelling after 6 months if we need that it was pointless relationship so i do not wish to push her into it!!!!
All I want is the person I fell in love with to get better and back to normal with or without me just wondered whether being here is making the situation better or worse and wanted someone elses opinion on it

lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 6:28 AM (GMT -7)   
and as far as she is concerned with staying she says providing I give her time to realise what she wants then i can stay. and if i cant deal with the uncertianty i should go!!!
Is this just her trying to hurt me as much as I have hurt her??? and will all the resent ever stop cause it doesnt seem like it will

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 12/9/2009 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
I don't think that she is trying to hurt you. Just trying to find herself and realize her feelings, be patient, I am sure that things will get better in time.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 9:17 AM (GMT -7)   
Is it just her mechanism for coping and minimising the hurt to force me to walk away from this????????
Because she is convinced that i will leave if we dont have children as we were seeing each other for a while and i dumped her due to the fact that due to complications she cant have anymore children because it could kill her, irrespective of this i realised the next day losing her and her kids was not what i wanted and spoke to her and we decided to give it a go!!!!
Two weeks later she was pregnant.
So is it she has such low self asteem that she is trying to force me away but for me to make the decision and do you think it is just a case of she dont wanna go through this alone????
AND THANK YOU ALL this is helping me realise things that i'm to blind or stupid to see!!!

lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
also she knows the lack of intimacy is a massive issue to me as well so is this just a test to see if i really mean that i truely love her and wont just walk away?????? This is driving me crazy as my friends and family are telling me i am not getting my needs meet and that she is just using me as she dont want to be left alone to cope with the kids and being so far away from her support network it just feels as though she hates me and im only here because of the kids and nowt else

lee2009
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 12/9/2009 9:45 AM (GMT -7)   
i have another question what do i do, do i leave any pysical contact with her and let her make the first move or do i still ask for a hug and kiss this only happens when she goes to bed now??? I have no idea what to do for the best and when answering this can you please read the 2 above posts aswell
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