Because I'm like this

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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 12/12/2009 6:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I've recently realized what I need in my life to be happy and I also realized that what I need in my life will never come to me. I need to feel loved and be pampered so that I'd know that my existence matters to someone. But even if someone pampers me, it doesn't mean that they need me. I need a sense of security in my life. A pact that says, "Nothing will change between us." so that I know that no one would leave me even when I'm like this. Because I'm always unsecured, worried, indecisive, depressed, sad, I feel as if everyone will leave me. And I know they will because I'm like that. I know that there shouldn't be any suicidal hints on this but I feel that if I suffer anymore, I really would. I know that there are others who are in worse conditions as me. Those in proverty, abuse, etc. While I'm just being selfish and want everything to be okay for me. I really wish I've never known how love could be so cruel so that maybe I'd never change and be afraid always to be left behind. But because I'm like this, no wonder he moved on. I feel that if I change my body, I'd have a higher-esteem and I'll be more open but I don't know how to change. I can't because I'm so afraid to take the first step. I told my mom that I think I need a psychiatrist and she said that we could go to the doctor and get her to write a note so that she won't have to pay for it. Is she being supportive? I don't know but the more I thought about it. Talking to a psychiatrist about my depression and pain, the smaller does my problems seem. I don't know what to do. My school recently had presentations on teenager problems and I went to one that had the title of, "Who are you?" I went to that and the lady gave us a site( and I went on it. I clicked on Depression, went through it and found why I'm depressed. It said :Personality style, and the way you have learned to deal with problems, may contribute to the onset of depression. If you are the type of person who has a low opinion of yourself and worries a lot, if you are overly dependent on others, if you are a perfectionist and expect too much from yourself or others, or if you tend to hide your feelings, you may be at greater risk of becoming depressed.
It was everything I was. I hated it that it was right because I can't do anything about it. I'm never satisfied with my results. And I need someone to depend on but there is no one. I'm a Christian so I want Him to be there for me. Be my light to the right path but He's not with me. I don't know where he is. I felt so close to him last year that he helped me get over my first love but now we became so distant. I can't tell others what I'm feeling because I'm so scared that they wouldn't understand why I'm making such a big deal out of something so small because my old friends always said I take things too seriously and to lighten up. I'm worried everyday. Would today be okay? Would tomorrow be okay? Will my presentations be okay? Why did I say that? Why can't I change?
I don't know what to do. I have no place I belong to. Not my home, my school, or anywhere.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 12/12/2009 11:38 PM (GMT -6)   
I really think you need to see a counselor.  If it is cheaper for your mom if a doctor writes a note, well, that is cool.  I think that she is being supportive, but it probably needs to be preauthorized. 
Yes, you need some help with your self esteem, but a lot of people do.  Not everybody is as confident as they seem.  And maybe you do take life seriously, but that is the kind of person that you are.  I was always accused of that too when I was young. 
Don't go changing things on your body.  Learn to love yourself for who you are.  That is the most important thing right now, you do have to love yourself before you can love somebody else the right way.  It would make you less obsessive about yourself. 
And at the seminar, if it sounded like you, that is because it probably is.  And there is nothing being wrong with it.  That is just you, and if you want to be different, you have to make some changes in the way that you are thinking.  And seeing a counselor, therapist or psychiatrist can all help you.  I think that a therapist would be the best place to start, so you should do that.  There is nothing wrong with you, you are you and that is a very good person.  You just need some guidance.  And all of us need that at one time or another.  So don't feel guilty about it, learn to take one day at a time.  Try not to worry about things, let life happen.
Best wishes to you.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 16
   Posted 12/15/2009 7:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey dear glad u cud express ur problem.Life is not easy for ne one.Find a purpose of life,a passion smething in vich u wud b occupied.Am not saying to the point of being workaholic.It's like empty mind is devil's workshop for me atleast.Venever I feel that happening,I just go meditate,introspect and get going.Do something which ll make u proud.Gud luck!!

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18558
   Posted 12/16/2009 7:09 AM (GMT -6)   
be you, accept you, love you, learn about you. and never be ashamed to be you. ps, depression does not discriminate, regardless if you are more prone or not. i agree with karen about seeing a therapist. they are a great source of comfort, learning, understanding and compassion. jamie. i wish you well, you have been brave in posting, i hope you continue to be.

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