i want to go away

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/14/2004 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
i'm 17.  Transferring schools in the middle of my sophomore year was really hard on me.  Moving from a tropical climate to the cold of the Great Northwest didn't help all that much either.  Moving stateside where everything was different didn't help.  On top of stress and my first anxiety attack, all the problems from my childhood regurgitated too.
My parents divorced when i was 7.  Certain memories keep coming back, some of which i want to share in hopes of finding relief, support, and help.
1.  My family is Asian.  Traditionally, we don't celebrate valentine's day, but since i had started preschool in America, i knew that Sunday was special; it was Valentine's Day.  I had gotten my first Teddy Bear the day before, too, with an oversized plastic heart full of candy.  I got up that morning, walked down the hallway; i had heard them talking so i was excited to share my first valentine's day.  I walk in, and i see my dad kicking and hitting my mom.  I started crying after seeing my mom's scared face, and she just tells me to go back to my room.  I stood there after she said that, crying, not understanding, and my dad yells, so i run down the hallway, Teddy in my arms and crawl back to bed, bawling. 
2.  ONe nite, my mom left me alone so she could "buy a book".  She wrapped me in my favorite Mickey and Pluto beach blanket and put in a Disney tape.  After watching the tape until it had finished, the tv went to the blue screen that signaled the end of the tape.  I started feeling scared, i started crying, and i started feeling sick.  I finally got up, opened the door and knocked on a neighbor's door (we were living on the third floor of an apartment complex).  The first door i knocked on was the door of a firefighter, not the door i was looking for.  So i ran back, then ran back out again, to find the door of a familiar neighbor.  She took me inside and felt my head.  I told her i felt sick, so she gave me a trashcan.  A few minutes later, i was throwing up.  SHe took me back to "our" apartment and stayed with me until i my dad came home from work.  I don't really remember the rest of the details, but i do remember seeing my mom again, getting off a motorcycle and then coming up the stairs.  I met her at the top of the stairs, and when she saw me, she asked me what was wrong, and i told her i got sick, then i asked, "Did you find your book?" and she replied, "What book?"
3.  Another nite, i was left alone again, my mom was down the street at a friend's apartment.  The hostess brought my mom up the stairs and i opened the door for them.  She had drunk wine, she explained, then left.  My mom walked outside again, then fell asleep on the first step of the stairway, head against the green railing.  I tried waking her up..tried pulling her inside.  Crying from my failure i went back inside and brushed my teeth, knowing that if i brushed my teeth Mom would see me as a good girl.  She came in while i was brushing my teeth, crying, and she petted my hair.  Then she went to sleep.  After that, i grabbed my plastic yellow jumprope and stood outside the door to "our" apartment.  Then I...i started swinging it around my head..doing some made-up ritual, talking to God.  I started swining the jumprope from side-to-side then.  And i told God to punish me for what i could not do...i felt horrible for not being able to help my mom...the jumprope whipped me against my leg.  I took the stinging as a punishment God had sent for me.  So i kept doing it.  I whipped myself for the wrong i did not do, for the wrong i could not fix at the age of 5
4.  When my parents finaly split up, my mom moved to Florida to be with my current stepdad.  I moved with her a year later.  I had never wet my bed before this move, but in the 2nd grade i had started...but besides that, after nearly a year living with her and her fiance, my biological father called while we were hosting a dinner party with some neighbors.  He and i talked..it seemed he was frustrated..and i was confused, i didn't know wut to say.  After he yelled at me, i told him i had to go..i told him i loved him and he hung up on me.  I have never felt so crapty before.  Age 8, and i had already become a failure, a loss, a waste to someone that used to mean so much to me. 
These memories keep reoccuring in my head.  I don't think i'm good enough for anything.  Since i had moved, i have had a terrible time adjusting. 
And as for my biological dad?  We haven't had a real conversation in years.  It feels like he had abandoned me.  I hadn't talked to him since i've moved...and i don't know if i should or not.  I feel so confused, and angry, and i keep worrying about how others are feeling, i try not to share my problems...but when i do..i can't come to an answer.  I don't know if i had done the right thing..i feel that i caused him so much pain...it's one thing to grieve over someone who had died...but to grieve over someone who is alive to the world but dead to yours...it's a crapty feeling. 
     I need an alternative.   I had thought about seeing a counselor without my parents knowing...but i'm not sure.  I'm confused on what to do...i just..i can't take this anymore.  I've researched depression, and maybe i'm just going through issues..??  A close friend whom i shared this with said people think of suicide too, and he had told me that i am a beautiful and smart person, and perhaps that's why my parents didn't take me seriously..but it hurts to not be understood when i'm screaming silently for help.....i felt that joining a message board would help me cope...so please......help.

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 11/15/2004 10:56:53 AM (GMT-7)

Forum Administrator

Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 9634
   Posted 11/15/2004 12:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Please remember that threats of physical violence to oneself or to others is not permitted in the forums.

Peter Waite, Founder/Editor
HealingWell.com - Community, Information, Resources

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/15/2004 10:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Mr. Waite,
Please read it again. Have i threatened to act upon my thoughts? I'm merely looking for help since i don't seem to be able to get it at home. I just needed an alternative, but if you feel that what i had posted as a threat, it is duly noted and i don't think i can be truly honest with myself to others or with others here. Thanks though..

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2004
Total Posts : 798
   Posted 11/16/2004 1:00 AM (GMT -6)   
:-)  Sasukomoko, hello and welcome.  I just read your post and understand/been through alot of what you're going through.  Moving at this age is extremely difficult and some of your memories are hurtful especially the divorce of your parents.  I am older now so see things differently than I did at your age (alot of counselling sessions also helped...lol).  Your parents aren't or weren't able to parent properly for whatever reason.  I found it helpful to choose to forgive mine for what they weren't able to provide for me (namely, a secure childhood).  Regarding your dad, do you want him in your life?  Would it improve it or are you thinking of fantasy images of a different father than yours?  Is their a school counsellor you could go to or could you explain to your mom the difficulties you are having.  Remember, there is always help and there is always hope.  Best wishes and prayers are being sent your way for happy, carfefree days ahead for you.  God Bless, Softy :-)
God Bless, Softy

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2003
Total Posts : 335
   Posted 11/16/2004 9:56 AM (GMT -6)   

I am sorry that I can't realy be of help to you at the moment.Mainly because I have my head so full of my own stuff at the moment(My Mom has passed away)and secondly because I don't believe that I am qualified enough to give advice because I have never had any real depression,only the usual feeling down times that most people have.I did feel compelled to write though to say that I realy hope that you won't be discouraged from coming here because I am sure that there are many people here that can understand your feelings more than I can and I am sure that they will be willing to try their best to help you.

Admin- I understand that you have to explain to people, that for obvious reasons threats of self harm etc can not be allowed on the board,but when I read your reply to the above I realy did feel that you could have at least sympathised a little and give what advice you could before launching into the do's and don'ts.I know if I had been on the recieving end of your reply I would have been most upset.
I am not out to coarse any waves here and I am definatly not the sort of person that goes looking for confrontation but I realy felt that in this case I had to say somthing.Maybe I am not aware of all the facts and if so then I apolagise but please at least think about what I have said.


New Member

Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 11/20/2004 1:40 AM (GMT -6)   

Hey, Sasukomoko!

I am also a teenager, and I can totally relate to  a lot of the feelings you've described.  I recently started at a new school, and I have anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive tendencies. It's really hard--like no one understands me, I'm all alone in the world, I can't express the pain I'm in . I have to try to act normal while people around me complain about problems in their social lives or with their jobs or grades, and all I'm thinking is "You think you have problems?!?! You can't even imagine how terrible I feel every single day!"

I would definitely suggest getting professional help ASAP. It takes time, but therapy works miracles. I still have my ups and downs, but I am amazed at how much better I feel about myself, my relationships, and my new school. I truly believe it could help you stop worrying about your past and move on to a bright future.

And please, don't hurt yourself! I have been down that road. I know a lot of teens with problems similar to mine from my therapy group, and many have ended up inpatient at a hospital or even gotten themselves into life-threatening situations. It isn't worth it, and God would never want you to punish yourself. (With all due respect, Mr. Waite, I can't help but agree with bag lady. Sasukomoko just asked for help and told us a lot of personal things. You could at least be a little more tactful).

Until you can get professional help, I would suggest keeping yourself busy. Try not to let your mind wander into despair--get your work done, but always put some time aside for yourself. That's something everyone deserves.

Good luck, and God bless.

Crazy4Hobbits cool

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2004
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 11/21/2004 8:07 PM (GMT -6)   
softy, baglady, Crazy4Hobbits:
My God, please bless these people.
All of your words were very encouraging; after having a heart-to-heart with a friend and then coming here to read at the responses to my post...thank you. I truly mean it. I'm going in to see my guidance counselor at school; perhaps she can direct me to where i should go, or just listen...it's hard, really, because i think that i have this anger i suppress...but, in the end, i have found that i am not the only one and people really DO care...and i thank every single person for that. It's a rare and genuine quality we should all keep and exercise: love, understand, be honest. Perhaps i'll post later to notify others of my progress???

Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2003
Total Posts : 54
   Posted 11/25/2004 1:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Please do not feel alone. We are here to help you. I would also be traumatized to if I seen my mother get beat up on. Thats so sad. And I have also been in numerous abusive relationships. Its not fun and sometimes scary because you are not sure if that day that you are being beat up on, may be the day that ends your life. So I can totally understand. Oe things that is even mroe is sad is the fact that your mother told you to go back to bed while she was being hurt by your father. Thats really sad. You have much love here. - Depresedandlonly

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 11/28/2004 5:48 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm SO glad you're feeling better. It feels great to know that I've helped. :) Please do notify us about your progress, I'd love to hear how you're doing.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 12/7/2004 3:02 PM (GMT -6)   
please remember parents are people too. They are not the super icons we thought they were when we were children. People make mistakes, forgive them for that. It is in no way, shape or form your fault for their actions so it is not for you to carry the weight of their misdoings on your back. I am privillaged to share in your personal struggles, you are beautiful inside and out, always remember that. Learn from your anguish, what NOT to do in life and what to do to spare your children(in the future)the same pain. Be the best person YOU can be, it's up to your parents individually to figure their lives out, and for you to except responsibility for your own life from this day foward. You are strong, and resilliant enough to know to seek assistance, that is very bold and safisticated at any age. Pride kills. I have a feeling when you have sorted through the many thoughts and emotions of your experience you will learn, grow and evlove to a higher level than your parents achieved, that's all they really wanted for you. God be with you, every step along your jeorny through life. It is a miraculous gift they have given you, forgive and live. Peace

Post Edited (joeboot) : 12/7/2004 4:14:56 PM (GMT-7)

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