For the past week, I've felt isolated, fatigued and very down. I have some kind of physical
ailment as well and I think I've had it for about
4 years now but have not yet sought
medical help for it as I'm not sure I can afford it. My parents are having financial
problems and I don't want them to have to sell their house just to help me out. However, I
am going to see a doctor after the holidays because I've reached the point where my fear has
overwhelmed my desire to be a good son and I can't be certain how much of this is just "in
Here's some background:
The physical problem started with swollen glands near my groin which became a tightness in
my stomach. about
3 years ago, I had what might be considered a mild stroke. My right arm
and the right side of my face went numb momentarily. I know I should have gone to the
doctor right then, but I foolishly choose to wait it out a while longer. A year after that,
my aunt developed terminal cancer and the whole family spent a very stressful 5 months
taking care of her and trying to make her final days comfortable. This, I thought, was a
bad time to bring up my problems and I didn't. One day, during this period, I noticed a
very dull pain starting in my stomach and making it's way up through my throat and then
all at once, my right arm became weaker and colder than my left which it remains although
not painful and still functional. In addition to that, a feeling of fatigue has set in and
I don't feel quite as sharp as I used to be. For instance, I tend to make a few more
spelling errors now than I did in the past.
I've been depressed off and on in my life. I'm 28 now and so far I've had 3 episodes that I
would consider major. The first when I was 18 and it seemed to clear up within a few days.
The second came at 22 and was much worse. It hit me one night and I was unable to sleep.
The following day it was a challenge just to eat and the food seemed to have no flavor. My
libido was gone for a couple more weeks and only slowly did I begin to recover, although I
don't think I've ever quite reached the level of happiness I'd had before. It's December
14th as I write this and nearly one week since my last episode. It happened as I was playing my video game and under the influence of. All at once and out of nowhere, bad thoughts came racing in like the thought that I've wasted my youth and my good years are behind me. Or that there is something terribly wrong with a 28-year-old living with his folks with no job for 3 years. Then I looked at my arm and immediately the word "cancer" came to mind and I think this took it the rest of the way.
Now I'm struggling. It doesn't seem to be as bad as the last one but my appetite and libido
are very diminished and I'm constantly tired. I'm not suicidal yet but the thought does cross my mind more often now. I've always had trouble getting myself to cry but lately, it's getting easier. And I've found it to be therapeutic. Also, and I know this might cause some controversy on a medical board but as a smoker, cigarettes have helped out a lot. It's funny because I was just about
to try quitting again when this happened and the cigs are one of the few things keeping me sane. Anyway, that's my anonymous confession. I appologise for the length (and this is the condensed version) but I had to get some of this off my chest. If anyone knows how a guy like me can get some free medical treatment or at least an opinion without going to Cuba, please let me know. I live in South Carolina if that helps.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 12/14/2009 10:19:31 AM (GMT-7)