Thanks for your reply Serafena.
I have heard nothing more from him, and it is hard to just let this be. I do love him but had been considering ending the relationship previously as I mentioned due to other issues and his seeming inability to connect with me emotionally in any way. My mum thinks I'm nuts even attempting to sort things out, and told me to run very fast and very far. I'm just not good at the 'breaking up' thing once lives are intertwined, and especially when we both still love each other.... although for the last few months I was questioning that too.
His children are also tricky, as they are both girls and both take after their mother in the way they behave. They are very rude and back chat and talk back and don't do as asked. He has been working on noticing when they are not talking nicely, but this has been very hard for him. He simply didn't notice what they were doing at first as he said he was used to being spoken to like that by them and their mother. However he said that if I'd said the same words to him, or someone else had, he would have been horrified and immediately pulled the person up for being downright rude.
The older one was swearing in front of him one day in regards to one of her friends, she is 10, and was yelling how this friend of hers was a bi**h at the top of her voice over and over because she wouldn't play with her any more. He was very concerned about the fact she didn't have that friend and tried talking to her in a calm voice about that...... when I asked him if he had noticed her yelling the word b***ch 5 times, he said 'No' he hadn't heard it at all. I was incredulous as she yelled it with absolute venom. The only part he heard was that she was having friend troubles. He seems to only hear certain things. When I try to talk to him about anything emotional I just get a blank disconnected look and dead eyes, and if I repeat any of the conversation later he simply doesn't remember it.
It got to the point where I was researching about early dementia as his memory and lack of any sort of ability to recall things we'd talked about were way above and beyond what I'd ever experienced myself or through discussions with others.
I thought when we first met I had finally found and attracted a healthy person as he spoke about his past relationship, the work he'd done with his counsellor, his affirmations, goal setting, optimism, and how he consciously set out to find a non-abusive healthy person this time. We started our relationship very carefully but I have to admit their were red flags I ignored and gut feelings I didn't pay attention to because I convinced myself he was different to my pattern of abusive relationships. He is not abusive, not to me at least, but I do believe he is 'broken' and carries many issues, some of which run very, very deep. He will not discuss his family of origin in any way, I only recently got their names from him, and I can only guess at what sort of abuse he received.
All of his other 3 long term relationships, apart from his marriage to his abusive wife whom he left after 10 years, lasted between 1 year and 1 and a half years....... where we are at now. He cannot tell me anything about those relationships as he doesn't remember what those girlfriends were like, their names, or why they broke up. He does remember what happened in his marriage and has been quite happy to talk about that. He is very, very spiteful towards his ex wife, calls her every name under the sun, and holds extreme anger towards her. I came from a very abusive marriage myself and know something of what this can be like, but have learned to let go and in the end feel sorry for my ex as as a sociopath he will never find true happiness. I had a year and a half of counselling to try and get myself back on track, and stayed away from men for a while for the first time ever. I had to get myself healthy.
My partner has had some counselling, but did not go for a continued length of time, and did not (from what I can gather) touch his family history of abuse. It did look at his wife's emotional abuse, and his depression, but he only stayed on the anti depressants for 2 months.
Now he simply can't seem to get to do anything. His work hours prevent him from seeing anyone, and if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid so he just doesn't do anything about it. He did take a week off for fishing though, but then didn't spend any of that time thinking..... said he just fished and drank, and did not think at all.
Post Edited (getting by) : 12/18/2009 3:36:29 PM (GMT-7)
Post Edited (cozhaven) : 12/21/2009 5:10:53 AM (GMT-7)