I am new here, I don't know where to begin. I am not even sure if this is the best thing for me. I am tired of being the strong one. I am tired of smiling. I am tired of always forgiving yet still getting hurt. In a word I am tired.
I came here because I am looking for people to offer advice without judging. Without betraying my trust. I really am skeptical that people are trustworthy, but I am so alone that I need to reach out. I am not sure what the protocol is for first timers here, but I guess I will start by telling you what has and is happening in my life.
I have a typical story. As a child I learned early on to be strong. All three of my younger siblings needed special care, and still do. Since I was the oldest and the "normal" one my parents would leave me with babysitter after babysitter, or my grandparents. I spent much of my childhood isolated. People always leave, it is my motto, it is the truth. My grandparents were the ones I learned to trust, I loved them, they loved, they tried to protect me. One of the babysitters that my parents left me with invited his brother over. This brother asked if I wanted to play house, he said I could be the mom he would be the dad. That was the first time that I was molested. I was 5 years old. When I told my parents I remember my mother crying and I was trying to console her, telling her it was ok. Then when I was 12 a friend of my parents began to, but when I told my parents this time they didn't believe it. That was the same year that I lost everything I owned in a house fire. 2 years later I moved in with my grandparents to get away from my parents friend. My grandparents never knew about
this. I still lived close to my parents though, but as I grew up, it seems that I pushed my mother away. When I was 15, my mother tried to run the car into a telephone pole because I got in the car with her. I think it was when I was 17 when she threatened to poison my food. That is when my issues with food began. I ate very little for the next 2 years, just enough to stop people from questioning. When I was 18 I was raped by a friend. He was my best friend, and I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I even continued to stay close to him, to the point that it happened 3 other times.
When I was 20 my grandfather passed away and my grandmother had to move into a nursing home. My whole life turned upside down. I began drinking heavily, I dabbled in , and sex by that point meant nothing to me. During all of this I met my husband. I got pregnant and I tried to turn my life around. When my daughter was born, I gave up the drugs, I was eating, but I was still drinking heavily. Some people accused me of being an alcoholic. Though I was more of a binge drinker. I wouldn't drink all the time, I didn't even crave it all the time. But when I got stressed it sure dulled the pain.
When I found out my husband was cheating on me I began to . I know it was my fault he was cheating, I never have gotten over my grandfathers death. I pushed my husband away, so I guess I deserved it. I took him back and for the past 6 years it has been a constant battle of lies. He will lie about
the smallest stupidest thing. Each time he lies I tell myself this is it, but I can't leave. I can't bring myself to let go.
My family have told me that they will stand behind my husband if I do leave. So I have no one and nowhere to go. My whole life everyone who has said they will never leave have always left. I have often thought about
, I have never tried. Though the thought of it intrigues me. I know I am too much of a coward to follow through, so no worries there.
Today, I have no idea who I am, I am so lost that I don't even know where to begin. I still , I feel like crying all the time. I no longer drink excessively but it is only because the fills that need for control over my life. It dulls the pain. In fact right now I am typing this so I will not make myself throw up. Keep the hands busy and maybe the urge will pass.
I am the girl who is always expected to deliver, who is expected to smile through it all. I am the one who my family calls me wanting from me and when I can not deliver they make sure I know I am worthless.
I wish I could be everything for everyone, but I am just me. Which disappoints people, once they see the true me. Once they realize I am not the happy, ever so energetic, put together person they think I am. Everyone is eager to dump their issues on me, but I have no one who will listen or help me. Where do I start in finding me? Where do I begin to start over? How can I put the past in the past, and be the happy person people think I am?
If you made it this far in this crazy messed up post, thank you for taking the time. I appreciate more then you will ever know.
Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/23/2010 4:56:33 PM (GMT-6)