I don't know where to begin

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/17/2009 10:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I am new here, I don't know where to begin. I am not even sure if this is the best thing for me. I am tired of being the strong one. I am tired of smiling. I am tired of always forgiving yet still getting hurt. In a word I am tired.
I came here because I am looking for people to offer advice without judging. Without betraying my trust. I really am skeptical that people are trustworthy, but I am so alone that I need to reach out. I am not sure what the protocol is for first timers here, but I guess I will start by telling you what has and is happening in my life.

I have a typical story. As a child I learned early on to be strong. All three of my younger siblings needed special care, and still do. Since I was the oldest and the "normal" one my parents would leave me with babysitter after babysitter, or my grandparents. I spent much of my childhood isolated. People always leave, it is my motto, it is the truth. My grandparents were the ones I learned to trust, I loved them, they loved, they tried to protect me. One of the babysitters that my parents left me with invited his brother over. This brother asked if I wanted to play house, he said I could be the mom he would be the dad. That was the first time that I was molested. I was 5 years old. When I told my parents I remember my mother crying and I was trying to console her, telling her it was ok. Then when I was 12 a friend of my parents began to, but when I told my parents this time they didn't believe it. That was the same year that I lost everything I owned in a house fire. 2 years later I moved in with my grandparents to get away from my parents friend. My grandparents never knew about this. I still lived close to my parents though, but as I grew up, it seems that I pushed my mother away. When I was 15, my mother tried to run the car into a telephone pole because I got in the car with her. I think it was when I was 17 when she threatened to poison my food. That is when my issues with food began. I ate very little for the next 2 years, just enough to stop people from questioning. When I was 18 I was raped by a friend. He was my best friend, and I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I even continued to stay close to him, to the point that it happened 3 other times.

When I was 20 my grandfather passed away and my grandmother had to move into a nursing home. My whole life turned upside down. I began drinking heavily, I dabbled in , and sex by that point meant nothing to me. During all of this I met my husband. I got pregnant and I tried to turn my life around. When my daughter was born, I gave up the drugs, I was eating, but I was still drinking heavily. Some people accused me of being an alcoholic. Though I was more of a binge drinker. I wouldn't drink all the time, I didn't even crave it all the time. But when I got stressed it sure dulled the pain.

When I found out my husband was cheating on me I began to . I know it was my fault he was cheating, I never have gotten over my grandfathers death. I pushed my husband away, so I guess I deserved it. I took him back and for the past 6 years it has been a constant battle of lies. He will lie about the smallest stupidest thing. Each time he lies I tell myself this is it, but I can't leave. I can't bring myself to let go.

My family have told me that they will stand behind my husband if I do leave. So I have no one and nowhere to go. My whole life everyone who has said they will never leave have always left. I have often thought about , I have never tried. Though the thought of it intrigues me. I know I am too much of a coward to follow through, so no worries there.

Today, I have no idea who I am, I am so lost that I don't even know where to begin. I still , I feel like crying all the time. I no longer drink excessively but it is only because the fills that need for control over my life. It dulls the pain. In fact right now I am typing this so I will not make myself throw up. Keep the hands busy and maybe the urge will pass.

I am the girl who is always expected to deliver, who is expected to smile through it all. I am the one who my family calls me wanting from me and when I can not deliver they make sure I know I am worthless.

I wish I could be everything for everyone, but I am just me. Which disappoints people, once they see the true me. Once they realize I am not the happy, ever so energetic, put together person they think I am. Everyone is eager to dump their issues on me, but I have no one who will listen or help me. Where do I start in finding me? Where do I begin to start over? How can I put the past in the past, and be the happy person people think I am?

If you made it this far in this crazy messed up post, thank you for taking the time. I appreciate more then you will ever know.

Post Edited By Moderator (Admin) : 8/23/2010 4:56:33 PM (GMT-6)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40405
   Posted 12/18/2009 12:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Smac1620,
All I can say is that I am so sorry for what you have been through.  I am sure you have endured a lot and you are coping with the only way that you know how.  Distancing yourself from people often makes life easier, but you can become bitter and untrusting.  You have been hurt a lot I am sure.  I am sorry for that.  You don't deserve it, but it has happened and you can learn from it. 
I think you are blaming yourself for things that you shouldn't.  You are blaming yourself for the hurt that has been upon you.  You think that you are to blame but you are not.  It is unfortunate that these hurtful things were done to you, but it is not your fault.  You didn't ask for this to happen.  It just did, by people who are not worthy of you or your love.  Know that you are better than they are because you are kind and innocent. 
I know that drinking dulls the pain.  And that you are using other ways to cope.  All I can recommend is that you talk to a professional to try to change your ways of coping.  Find things that you like to do, you like to write, when you feel bad, write.  Find things that relax you.  Places that you can feel safe.  Please talk to a counselor to help you through this and to deal with the past in a healthy way and to get better. 
Keep posting, know that we are here for you.  I am sorry that I had to edit a little bit of your post, there are a few rules that I have to follow as a moderator.  But please do stay with us.  We are here to help you.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/18/2009 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi smac,

I'm so sorry to hear about all the betrayals and abuse you have endured thus far. It's just terrible. But you are not to blame for any of it -- not the abuse, not your husband's cheating, not your family's emotional manipulation and distance.

I really strongly urge you to get into some counseling or therapy. You need to learn how to take care of yourself -- so hard!!! By that I mean that of course you take care of your daily needs, but you need some self-esteem and the strength to learn how to make positive decisions about your life. You don't have to put up with your husband's abuse. You don't have to stay because your family doesn't support you. You just have to find new support.

I know things can feel very black sometimes, but your child needs you. Hang in there and get some help. Things will improve.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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