icky marriage update

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do-over
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Date Joined Oct 2003
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 12/20/2009 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
Even though I just wanted to keep the peace until the holidays are over, my husband wanted to have " a talk" today ... gosh I hate that.  So, he says that he thinks there has always been 'something wrong' with me and that  I have never been happy, that I want everything to go my way, I don't respect him, and that he's not so bad to the boys ... it's just that I don't like the way he talks to them because he doesn't treat them like I do.   At first, he suggested that we sell the house and separate.  But we can't afford that .. 
 
So, he informed me that he's just going to think of me as another person in his life ... not like a wife anymore.  He's mad that I don't even want to be physically intimate anymore ... but between the depression, the prozac, and the fact that I just really can't stand to be around him ... I'm not sure why he thinks I would want to TOUCH him. 
 
I sound like a real B#$%h, I know.  But I'm not .. I'm just disappointed and angry and I feel so incredibly guilty for marrying him.   It's been 7 years .... we've given it a long try.  But seriously, I don't know how much longer I can stand to have to be in the same house.  It gets worse everyday. 
 
You know, no matter how many times I see a counselor, or faithfully take my meds, or try to be postive, NOTHING is going to fix the problems that CAUSE my depression.  It's so frustrating ... I think that anyone in the mess I am in would feel depressed!

Linx
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 12/20/2009 5:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Maybe it is time to let go. I know for myself the depression medicaiton has caused me not to want to be intamite with my partner. I have no sex drive left at all. Mater of fact we sleep in separet rooms now because of it. We still love each other but that's about it. Our children are all growen and out of the house so it is just the two of us. It is amazing what these medications can do to a person and there family. It sounds like you have given it your all for some time.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/20/2009 9:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Have you thought about talking to your doctor about the lack of intamcy caused by the medication? Maybe you could try something different that wouldn't have that side effect. I guess it depends how important intimacy is to you. When I had medication that did that to me, I switched medications. But it was very important to me at that time.

I hope that you and your husband can work things out. I hope that you can be happy.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/21/2009 3:19 AM (GMT -7)   
sometimes being treated like dirt can cause it too... u made an important point.... maybe anyone would feel depressed in this situation??

do-over
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2003
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 12/21/2009 4:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I miss my kids terribly ... had to go back to work full time and we are all having a hard time adjusting to that. we have no money, and lots of debt, and that wakes me in the night .. breathless with worry. one son has a learning disability, the other has severe ADD, (not hyper though) and the youngest is generally as perfect as a little girl can be .. except for she is struggling with me not being her full time mom .. and we are seeing lots of tantrums and whining and regression. my dad has had major health (heart) problems over the last year .. including getting a pacemaker, aortic aneurysm repair, atrial fibrillation, severe neuralgia, etc. my husband is harder on the boys and gentle on our daughter. he has worked 2 jobs since we were married .. we never see each other or get to do anything fun. the house is a mess, the bills are piling up, it's winter, work is HARD and exhausting, I miss my friends, I am mourning the loss of my dream ... all i ever wanted to be was a mom ... and i used to be a really good one ... but lately .. it takes effort just to get up in the morning. (maybe that's cause I can't sleep longer than 4 hours at a time without waking up with my head spinning.)

yeah .. i think anyone living like that whoh isn't depressed would be the 'crazy' one.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/21/2009 6:49 PM (GMT -7)   
Keep in mind that it may not always be this way and that you are working to help out your family now.  This could be just for the time being.  Long enough until your family gets ahead.  Thinking in the now, and living in the now is the best thing that you could do for yourself for right now.  Don't worry about the future, think of your job as only temporary takes the stress instead of thinking that you will be doing this forever.  You are a good mom.  You are doing what needs to be done for the family at this time.  So don't beat yourself up over it.  Things will be better, you will catch a break and you will be happy.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


do-over
Regular Member


Date Joined Oct 2003
Total Posts : 162
   Posted 12/22/2009 2:03 AM (GMT -7)   
thanks ... good insight. i do try to look at it as temporary. the problem is that i feel stuck. if i become a single mom ... i will have to work full time. and if i stay married ... i'm miserable. and it sets such an awful example for the kids .. i don't want them to think that this is what marriage is supposed to be like! i forgot to mention earlier that my husband has been laid off twice in the past 2 years ... which is where a lot of the money problems we are in now are coming from. he used to make almost $90,000 a year ... and now we are worried about losing the house! he really is a hard worker .. the 'second job' is his own business that he runs .. hoping to some day let that be full time ...

he is the kind of guy who has books called "looking out for number one" and a tee shirt that says "your life is not my problem". funny .. when we were dating he was all flowers and dinners out and 'i'll treat you like the princess you are' and played with the boys and never spoke harshly to them and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. and now he's 'because i said so, that's why' and fusses about things like how deep the tub water is (for my son only) or who left a light on in their room ...

he had a crappy childhood and a dad who is not at all compassionate. (which may explain the 4 wifes!)

on the upside .. the man DOES get major points for last night. he drove an hour and 15 minutes each way to get a christmas present for one of the boys that we couldn't find anywhere else. worked all day, and has to go out of town today til wednesday ... so when he got home last night he grabbed a sandwich and headed out to get this gift. he does try ... and he's not all bad. he has just said so many hurtful things about my boys over the years, and he become such a different person ... and money is so stressful .... it's hard to get out of the whirlwind!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/22/2009 8:45 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that the financial stress is what is getting to him.  Could that be possible? 
 
I want to turn you onto a poem that always comforts me when I am down.  It is called Desiderata.  It is an old poem and has been around for years.  To read it go to http://www.freewebs.com/crys/  I think you will enjoy reading it. 
 
Know that you are a good person and very special in my book.  I hope that things get better with your relationship.  None are easy as we would like them to be.  And I think it is great that he traveled so far to get your son his gift.
 
Take care, have a good day.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:23 AM (GMT -7)   
Girl... those boys will grow... and ur guy has lots of pressure and probably working his butt off... and ur suffering... many guys walk away from kids with disabilities... I have a daughter with Tourettes... and we share custody.. because I couldn't handle her behaviors myself... and it has worked very well and she is doing much better... but girl... you have a platefull and making quick changes isn't the answer either... one day at a time.. and read that poem... it's wonderful... a man who will do that .. go get a present like that... sounds very special... and maybe he comes from the old school and just plain doesn't understand disabilities... can u get some help... respite help care... maybe somehow you an focus on each other and the special parts that drew you to each other... he sounds like he talks alot of stuff but when it comes down to it... he's working and sacrificing... too... I don't know... I sure hope u have some silver linings and happiness this Holiday Season... Sandi

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/23/2009 7:31 AM (GMT -7)   
Sandi,
 
That was a lovely post and to the point.  Thank you for that.  I take it you read Desiderata.  I love it.  My manual for life.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/23/2009 1:56 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes... I did.. haven't in a while.. I'm young enough to have read it when it first came out.. hope u have a Merry Christmas... Sandi

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/23/2009 6:07 PM (GMT -7)   
Merry Christmas to you too Sandi.  I think it is cool when other people read Desiderata and like it.  That poem means so much to me.  I am not old enough to have read it when it first come out, but very close.  Well, I just looked at the date on it, I have it on my wall.  It says 1927.  I was born in 1958. 
 
I hope that you have a wonderful evening.
 
:-) 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/23/2009 8:14 PM (GMT -7)   
0h I was born 1958.... not 1927... and it was released as a song in the 1970's and a wall poster silly girl... so you are young enough.. it's probably some ancient chinese thing or something... now I'll have to research it... ok take care...

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/23/2009 10:17 PM (GMT -7)   
I believe that I know the song you are talking about.  I listened to it.  It was written by Max Ehrmann, 1927.  But I heard that it goes back to the 1600's.  Something to do with monks.  Not sure.  I am not good at research, so let me know what you come up with. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 12/23/2009 10:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Do-over,
 
How have you been?  Let us know what is going on.  Haven't heard from you in a couple of days and am wondering what happened. 
 
KNow that we are thinking of you and wondering what happened with you and your husband.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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