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I have a depressed wife... slowly becoming a depressed life. Help.
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Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 1
Posted 12/20/2009 9:09 PM (GMT -7)
I have a struggling wife. We are young, early 20's, in school, with a 3 year old son. Our life is slowly deteriorating. My wife is depressed, so much so that it affects every portion of our lives. She has had a "interesting" life. She was adopted as an infant, grew up with her adoptive family. Her adoptive mother is a phenomenal person. She was raised mostly by her mother, never really developed a kindred relationship with her adoptive father, although he too is a good person. She was raised catholic, went to private schools, made good friendships with peers; yet, she always has struggled with something different inside of her. She has always felt different, isolated, just a little off from the rest of her peers. She met me in high school. When she turned 18, we found her birth family. It turns out, they went on to get married, have 5 more children and lead incredibly successful lives. They are loving and caring people as well. She has maintained a relationship with them, albeit a times it gets rocky and confusing. Yet, about
3 years ago... I'd say, 3 months after our son was born, everything changed. She, or we seemed to hit a wall. Since that time, it has only been a downward spiral.
Today, I work 25 hours a week, go to school full-time. She goes to school full-time as well. We are in a special financial situation that allows us to not have the heavy heavy stress of finances. Not that we have a lot of money, we simply get by without a ton of stress. Our son is amazing, he is intelligent and kind. He is in pre-school and doing very well.
I love my wife wholly and dearly. I tell her everyday, just so she knows that no matter what, I love her. Anymore though, these three words are met with hostility and me being told that I am lying. We have been through a lot together. Abortion, miscarriage, birthparents, marriage, having our son and so forth. Today, she tells me that I only cause her pain. She tells me that I have ruined her heart. I know I am not perfect, I lose my patience and fight with her, I defend myself when I feel wronged, and I am not always the most furtive conversationist. I am trying to be more
open to her about
my feelings, thoughts, and ideas. I let her sleep in late when she needs to, sometimes until the late afternoon. I take time away from school/work to help her out. I always stay on top of household work, as does she. I always try and push her to be productive, to work out, to go and see her friends, and so forth. I want to go on dates with her and go to dinner, plays, walks. Yet, it seems we are truly going nowhere. Our relationship is only falling apart. So often I get home, talk to her, have conversations, tell her about
my day, we have family play-time, have dinner, everything feels good and right. The next day she berates me for ignoring our problems and tells me I pretend as though she's invisible. I fear for my son, he is only 3 and although he rarely sees us fight, I know he can feel the tension between us. I do not want him to become a casualty to our problems. I love my wife so much, but I am at such a loss. It just feels hopeless now, and I am tired of hurting her, especially when I do not know how I am doing so.
I know the routine for counseling, meds, and doctors. She has been on more meds than one should ever be given. Not that it has much weight.. but lithium, trazadone, xanax, valium, abilify, adderal, ritalin, klonopin, deplin are just to name about
30% of them. She has seen multiple psychiatrists all with differing opinions and differing medicinal regimens for her. She's been told she has/was bipolar, depressed, manic-depressive, ADD, ADHD, anxiety, etc etc. For the past year, she has just been taking xanax, adderal, and an anti-depressant. At times it seems these meds help. But these times are becoming more and more rare. We have seen over a half-dozen counselors together, and she has seen an innumerable amount of counselors and psychiatrists by herself. We finally found a therapist we both liked, we saw her weekly for 2 months, then my wife became more and more withdrawn from counseling. I went to our last three appointments by myself, then stopped altogether. I want to go to counseling again, but she refuses to see our old therapist, so now we must go counselor hunting again. And the cycle starts over.
I don't know how much longer I can do this. I love her so much, I cannot let our life fall apart. But everyday I am told that I hurt her and have been hurting her for the past 3 years. Are we just not meant to be. I love her so deeply, yet to have my feelings and thoughts met with such resentment, is disheartening. To be told that my love is inadequate is saddening. I have had every flaw in my character/personality pointed out by her in fighting, yet nothing hurts more than for her to tell me that "I love you" means nothing coming from my mouth.
I am lost. Have you had a spouse/friend/family like this? Where so much has been tried, but what works?
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 66
Posted 12/20/2009 9:31 PM (GMT -7)
So I feel like I can definately relate to your wife. I was adopted when I was six years old. I was in a stable foster family and they are the ones that adopted me. Ever since I can remember I've had horrible problems with relationships. Although I'm only 17, I can safely say your wife does love you. It's hard though because, for me at least, being adopted brings on so many hardships. You feel like you don't know who to trust and whose telling the truth or whose not.
Does your wife ever talk about
her adoption with you? Because usually my problems stem back to my adoption. I mean I don't mean to say that every adoption story goes bad but I always feel an emptiness inside of me. I feel like there's a puzzle piece missing. Again, I have no idea how your wife feels about
her adoption but it could have something to do with it.
I'm afraid of marrige for this reason. I'm afraid that my mental illnesses, depression and anxiety, will interfer with married life. I'm afraid it will interfer with a family.
You seem like a wonderful husband and I think you're doing very well. I don't know what else to do besides talking to her and reasuring her that you're there. If you haven't already, you should probably tell her that it hurts you when she says that "I love you" means nothing to her when you say it. Tell her that you do love her and it hurts you when she denys your love.
I wish you the best, hang in there.
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40940
Posted 12/20/2009 9:51 PM (GMT -7)
I too wonder if some of this stems back to the adoption. Especially when the birth family continued without her. But I could be totally wrong. I hope that things work out for you all and that you do try more counseling. I think it would really help. Get her to go even if you have to see a new one.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies
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Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2355
Posted 12/21/2009 3:16 AM (GMT -7)
Post partum depression?? latent mental illnesses?? have her go to a psychiatrist and be evaluated.... I work with people with chronic mental illnesses... and yes the childhood issues stick out.. but sounds like triggered after the baby was born...
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Date Joined Jun 2009
Total Posts : 286
Posted 12/21/2009 10:19 AM (GMT -7)
I understand in a way what you're going through. My fiance has severe depression in which nothing has worked for him either. When he is put on meds, they tend to work for a while, then stop working altogether. It is a very hard situation. And I'm the same way, I love him dearly but sometimes it just gets to be too much on me too.
When he has a depression "attack" it usually turns into us fighting somehow or another. And then it turns into us both feeling worse, and yadda yadda yadda. It's a mess. And sometimes it just breaks my heart to see him that sort of position. I want more then anything to be able to fix his world, and yet I can't.
It gets very wearing, and it def depresses me too. But I have hope. Hope that one day it will get better. You hold on to that hope too!
"You were only given this life because you are strong enough to live it."
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