Need some input & advice

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REDSAM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 95
   Posted 12/21/2009 12:30 PM (GMT -7)   
Last Christmas a family incident occured and bad things were said by my husband resulting in our immediate departure from my sisters house.  While I did not condone what occured nor defend what he said, I attempted to open the door so that we could get things out in the open and begin healing.  Both my parents are gone.  I only have my sister and step mom who lives many many miles away.  Well my attempt was met with a 5 page email from each of them  informing me of what a piece of garbage they think he is, and always has been, providing examples as well.  They have "put up with him" thus far, but refuse to acknowledge him ANY more and to them he is dead and not welcome to participate in anything as far as they are concerned. 
 
They are by no means angels.  My sister developed some deep seated hate for his family since we got married 25 years ago, and refused to come to our house for anything if they were there.  As a result we could not have family birthday parties for our children, or we had to have two.
 
In the email letters, they poured on the guilt that if I did not agree to their exclusions, I would be the one abadoning the family.  And the one's who would suffer would be her 5 year old son, and my two children(14, 8).  I sought counceling for myself and shared the emails with my therapist.  He believes my sister has a personality disorder and those individuals are the hardest to work with because they only see black and white.  It was a very eye opening experience thinking back on how she talks about people, etc.  For the time being I did not cut them off from calling my kids. I left the door open to discussion when they were ready to discuss things without making war.
 
In April I tried to send my nephew (5) presents for his birthday.  That resulted in a how dare you email from my sister, that I am sending the wrong message to my nephew when I have abandonded my family. My counselor reviewed her response and indicated that the way she wrote it, still indicates she does not want healing, she wants war.
 
It is now a year later, and came a slew of Christmas gifts to my kids from them.  I sent her a birthday card in October, and nothing was said about it.
 
It appears to me know that they have poisoned the rest of my family as I did not get one card from any of my aunts and uncles, and they have not returned my calls.
 
This tells me it is time to cut ties I guess.  What advice is there for handling this with regard to my children.  They don't quite understand what happened, and don't understand why my sister and step mom will not give their dad a chance to apologize.
 
It is eating me up inside.  Of course I no longer have insurance that covers psychiatric care and am going to get more insurance cuts February when we change plans again. 
 
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, since I have no one to turn to.
Sue-Hypothyroid, Abdominal Adhesion Pain, No female parts, no gallbladder. Put a fork in me please!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40572
   Posted 12/21/2009 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
This is a tough one.  Because the children are getting hurt in the process of things.  I am sorry to hear this.  But maybe you could explain to your children that your sister isn't well.  So things will be inconsistant with her.  I guess it will all depend on her moods as to what is going to go on.  I don't think you have to make any decisions as to whether or not you are going to cut ties.  Leave the doors of open communication open but go on with your life.  And your children's lives.  I wouldn't expect anything from her, but if she does communicate, let her know that you love her and care about her, but don't be disappointed with the things she says and does because of the fact that she is unwell emotionally. 
 
Go on with life as you normally would have.  If she joins in, well, fine, and if she doesn't that is fine too.  She does have problems, that is evident, but remember it is an illness.
 
I hope that this helps some.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


REDSAM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 95
   Posted 12/22/2009 7:49 AM (GMT -7)   

Karen your kind words and advice are very helpful.  It is good to talk it out and hear the advice as it comes.  You are right I am especially torn because of the effect this has on the kids.

I have left the door open for discussion, and have explained to my kids that she is not well.  I leave it up to them as to what communciations they want to have with them.  I have spoken with my oldest who will be 14 and let him know that both my sister and my step mom have spoken ill of me to my extended family and that hurts me.  I beleive she was looking for approval from them for her actions. 

It is an unfortunate situation.  I miss my nephew and do feel like I am in mourning.  I feel bad for him because I know again due to her illness, she HATES her husbands family, and he loved playing with mine since he doesn't see the other side often.

This has been a bad year for alot of people.  Having all this going on makes it worse since you are contantly reminded there is nothing better than spending time with family.

It is up to me to make new traditions I guess.

Big Big Hugs, and Happy Holidays.   SUe


Sue-Hypothyroid, Abdominal Adhesion Pain, No female parts, no gallbladder. Put a fork in me please!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40572
   Posted 12/22/2009 8:29 AM (GMT -7)   
I think that starting new traditions is a good idea.  You will be happy that you did.  And eventually, hopefully, family will come back into the picture.  You know that you tried and that is all that you can do.  You sound like a wonderful mother and aunt.  I know you love her children and it hurts you.   But she is the one making this difficult.  So try not to beat yourself up over this and continue making your children happy.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:28 AM (GMT -7)   
I had to cut my oldest daughters off from their grandmother as they were growing up because she was so unhealthy.... after they became adults and could process the hatefull things... they did pursue a relationship but at that point it was from an adult view... and it worked... she got kicked out of every nursing home in Michigan before she died a few years ago... so sounds like u have a good handle on things...

REDSAM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 95
   Posted 12/23/2009 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
UPDATE.....

I am beside myself today and have a very heavy heart. I finally received a Christmas card from one of my aunts responding to my card. She said judging by your card apparently you were not aware that your uncle passed away in September...... SEPTEMBER!

No one called to let me know................ Even after I was a no show. They know I never miss a funeral for my family since I was lucky enough to grow up with my aunts & uncles, so these are not distant aunts & uncles. I respect them.

I felt so good yesterday after reading these posts. Not so much today. When I read that card last night, I could not speak, only cry. How can they be so cruel to deprive me of this information. My Anxiety levels have spiked, and I also suffer from chronic pain, and we all know what stress does to that!

My heart is screaming that I am handling this wrong, and I should not allow my children to be part of her messed up life at this point. I am trying to do the right thing by them.

I will try to make contact with my sister in law and her daughter as they are both psychologists, and my niece specailizes in treating kids.

Peace be with you all and thank you for letting me vent, cry and get out some of these feelings. Sue
Sue-Hypothyroid, Abdominal Adhesion Pain, No female parts, no gallbladder. Put a fork in me please!


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40572
   Posted 12/23/2009 9:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue,
 
I am so sorry about your uncle passing and that nobody notified you.  Maybe in the heat of things, they forgot.  Try to forgive them.  These things do happen.  And I am sure that it wasn't on purpose.  Please accept my condolences for his passing. 
 
I am sorry that you have a heavy heart today.  Hopefully soon you will feel better.  But allow yourself the time to grieve as need be.  And remember there is no set time limit or no set way of doing so.  This is all you.  And your way of doing it.  Like I say, no set way of grieving.  Go with the flow of it.  And let the tears out as they want to come.  Crying is a healthy way of releasing emotions. 
 
I hope that you are still able to have a happy holiday.  I have to work tomorrow and Christmas day, so I wont be on that much.  ONly in morning and after work.  Which is late.  But I will try to get here.  The only good thing about work is I will get holiday pay for both days.  That will be nice.  But wasn't expecting to have to work both days.  I guess everybody else requested them off.  Oh well, the paycheck will be nice. 
 
Please keep posting and know that we are here for you.  Take care my friend.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


REDSAM
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 95
   Posted 12/25/2009 2:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Merry Christmas All.  Well I took the advice here, and consulted with my sister in law and her daughter.  There seems to be a consensus for now and that is I am letting him make his own decision about his relationship with them.  I did set boundries however.  I do not want him in my presence if he takes a call from them.  He is not allowed to let them be on his facebook and there will be no face to face meetings in case she wanted to come visit them while I was not around. 
 
We had a very long discussion about where we are coming from regarding them.  Also explained that while she may seem like a normal person, she does have an illness that prevents her from being rational with regard to people and relationships.
 
Even he was shocked to hear that my uncle passed in September and no one told us.
 
So for now I am going to have a glass of wine, maybe two, and enjoy the rest of today.
 
Big Big Hugs.... Sue
 
 
Sue-Hypothyroid, Abdominal Adhesion Pain, No female parts, no gallbladder. Put a fork in me please!


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 12/26/2009 5:28 AM (GMT -7)   
sending my compassionate thoughts sue. i read your posts, and i wanted to say that what you have gone through and been going through- that i am proud that you have been strong for your kids. not identifying you about the passing was very wrong, my condolences. keep with us. keep being strong sue. here for you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 12/26/2009 8:34 AM (GMT -7)   
Sue: Like Jamiee, I am also sending you compassionate thoughts.  It is evident from your posts how much you care about your family and also want the best for your own children.  Your uncle's passing will probably be difficult on them as well.  Mourning for someone can be such a painful process and not hearing about his death in a timely manner will only make this so much harder on you. 
 
I will definately keep you in my thoughts and I am glad you have found our family here at HealingWell.  This is a very caring and supportive forum and Karen is a great Moderator as well.
 
Cass

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40572
   Posted 12/26/2009 8:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sue,
 
I just wanted to say that I hope that your holidays went well.  Remember to give yourself time to grieve over the passing of your uncle.  It is sometihing very personal, we all do it differently and we all take our own amount of time.
 
Cassandra,
 
Thank you for what you said.  I care about all of you here.  And I appreciate your kind words.  HOpe that your Christmas went well too.  I had to work, but got today off.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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