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Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/22/2009 2:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Okay, get ready to listen to my situation.

There was this girl I met online. Believe what you want about that but what really counts is how you feel about that person. Well, in any case we were dating and everything was going well. She got drunk a lot because of a problem in the past but did not trust me enough at the time to tell me. I was alright with that. Later on she started saying that she was evil, had no heart or soul. She wasn't happy where she was. She was as depressed of a person as I was. The next day she confronted that she had cut herself thinking back to what she had done. I thought it was time to draw the line and tell her how I felt about her. She may have been an alcoholic, smoker, a little evil so what I didn't care about her weird or bad traits, it's how I truly felt of her that counted and made me feel real.

I haven't been happy my entire life. Severe depression and lonliness since I can remember. When I met her things changed for the better, and I felt something actually real for once. I felt like I mattered in this world. I felt like I had a purpose.

Sunday she told me that she had cut herself, thinking back to what she had done in the past. I told her the truth about what I felt of her. I told her that I wanted to help her, that I was going to help her, I would do anything in my willpower to make her happy. I didn't want her feeling this way. I wanted her to just be happy. her being sad was tearing me up inside. I told her that I truly cared for her, greatly, and she felt the same for me. She was so alone where she was. No family to be with, she thought everyone hated her. I just wanted to comfort her but it didn't seem enough.

She ended the relationship saying she didn't want to see me get hurt. I told her I wouldn't be hurt if she let me help her be happy and get through her situations. i wanted to be there for her in every possible way I could. She said she needed to heal, but she was also talking of bad things. She said she was a bad person, she was useless, not worth anything, that I deserved better. I needed her to understand that none of this was true!

basically, I feel like I am in a nightmare. I can't wake up. I'm stuck. I felt as if it was my reason of life to help her, but I couldn't. I didn't. I failed. All I can feel now is wanting to help her. I didn't want to go back to being a nobody, back to feeling lonely, back to being depressed. it has happened though, and I feel as if I just don't exist anymore. I can't smile any longer, all I feel is pain and darkness. Corroded...

I need help now. I can't heal. I feal dead...



[I edited out a gentle, but potentially offensive curse--serafena]

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/7/2010 9:26:03 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 12/22/2009 8:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Don't feel guilty for not being able to help her.  She has to learn to help herself.  That is the bottom line there.   Just dont' beat yourself up over it.
 
It sounds like she has some serious issues.  And she has to work them out on her own.  I would recommend counseling for her.  That is about the best that you can do.  Listen to her when you can and try to be there, but you can't fix her.  That is all up to her. 
 
Keep posting as we are here for you.  I hope that she gets help and that things work out.  If not, there isn't going to be much future in this relationship.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/23/2009 1:31 AM (GMT -7)   
It's just so difficult. I feel as if this was my only time to spur. No girl has ever liked me before, but she did, and she made me feel real. I owed her everything just for that. It meant too much. Girls don't go for guys like me. Ever. They are blinded by the sight of the guy that will treat them right. I don't feel as if anyone could care for me again.

This experience has made me realize that the world I'm living in is just pure hell. I need to leave where I am and find myself first before I can continue life. Nothing is ever going to be the same.

I feel like I could have helped her because she wanted me there. I was going to be there. I knew that she was like me and needed someone to keep her happy and take care of her.

That Sunday night as we were talking she began having an anxiety attack. She started crying and couldn't breathe. She didn''t say anything for about 5 minutes and at that point I think I was so scared, I felt destroyed. She came back. I told her I was going to come down there and be with her. She didn't want that though. She was worried something would happen to me along the way. I don't know if she realized how goddarn much I wanted to help her. She said she needed time to heal.

Even if we weren't to be with each other anymore, all I want is to get her help. That's all I want. She had already helped me by caring for me. I needed to return the favor. This isn't something that is going to go away with time.

I still have her accessible to speak to. I can't just do nothing, because there is something I can do. She wants to get better, but doesn't know how, or the right path. That's where I can help her.

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Amen to the moderator... listen to her...

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:08 AM (GMT -7)   
hi devourd. at this time she needs professional assistance. she will come to you in time. be there for her when she needs you, i feel that she needs a psychiatric assessment. hospital may be the best thing for her at this time. she is punishing herself, i know this well. i am sorry for you and your friend, as at this time i think that she needs professional care. my compassion to you both. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:24 AM (GMT -7)   
She IS punishing herself. She had done something that she regrets very much in the past. She thinks she's evil. She thought everyone would think of her low because of this. I told her I didn't care. She had bad luck. That's all.
She has no one else to rely on, and I feel if I don't convince her to get help, she may punish herself further...

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 12/23/2009 3:55 AM (GMT -7)   
if so i feel you need to call an ambulance for her own safety. and or you can advise psychiatric services of her situation and you fears for her safety. do not hesitate. i am around, so keep me posted. she needs help asap. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/24/2009 2:46 AM (GMT -7)   
I just feel worried, as I won't be able to reach her until Tuesday. She left depressed asking me if I hated her now, and needed me to say goodnight to her. That means she still cares right?

This situation has made me come to realize that I didn't deserve anyone more than her. Iv'e never wanted anything more than her. Finding a girl better than her just wouldn't work for me, because for me, there is no one better :(. She said I deserve better. I know for fact that isn't true. :(


I need to get away from where I live. I need to find myself. I'm too caring of a person, and If I'm just going to get hurt all the time what's the point in even socializing any longer. I don't want to be alone. God, I do not want to be alone- but I feel as if I have no choice. I don't know where I belong in the world, why do I exist? Everything in my life just seems so messed up, and I just keep getting more and more depressed. Where did I go wrong?

Post Edited (Devoured) : 12/24/2009 2:49:31 AM (GMT-7)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 12/24/2009 3:28 AM (GMT -7)   
  1. hey, your path will evail itself in time.
  2. depression and lonliness sucks.
  3. you are beautiful human being of this earth, and you have shown your lovely heart, take comfort in this, things will turn around for you.
  4. maybe some counselling would be good for you.
  5. you are a human being of this world with gifts and talents unique to only you, and i can tell you have a very warm heart.
  6. remember life is a journey, no ups without downs, no twists without turns. keep on your path, keep being the beautiful person you are. talk with a trusted friend, you have a lot to express, and i feel it would be carthartic to do so. here for you. jamie.
  7. never give up hope, okay.
  8. my compassion is with you.

YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/25/2009 2:51 AM (GMT -7)   
I'm still feeling worse. I can't see a counselor as I'm stuck here in Arizona for Christmas. I live in Nebraska.
I know I need to get to one as soon as I get back, cause I'm starting to lose more.

By more I mean emotion-like. For several years now I haven't been able to get excited very easily. There are things that I like still, but nothing excites me anymore. It may seem kinda silly but I think I just need to love something. I don't know experience any depression or pain. I don't know what it has in connection to my depression, but it seems I just need someone. I know, I sound kind of desperate, but it's not that.
Nothing makes me happy anymore, or feel anything, but when I was dating this girl I was actually happy for once. I was able to smile, and I was motivated. I was able to work at my job a lot better than usual. I was actually able to feel excitement of getting back home to speak with her.

I feel so alone now. I still can't wake up. I'm still caught in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I've been to counselors plenty of other times but I don't expect much hope from going back, even though I'll give it a try.

True, that there is no easy way through life, but I can't even continue life. I'm just stuck in this nightmare, and can't wake up. shakehead

Post Edited (Devoured) : 12/25/2009 2:57:01 AM (GMT-7)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 12/25/2009 3:50 AM (GMT -7)   
slow and steady my friend. things will and do improve in time. take care. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 12/25/2009 9:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Have you thought about getting a pet?  LIke a dog or something.  I lost my german shepherd a month ago yesterday and I am still depressed about it.  I am getting a puppy in March.  I am so excited about that. 
 
Learn to love yourelf.  When you do, being alone isn't so bad.  You are with somebody that you love, YOU...  I spend a lot of time alone, but I do have a husband and a dog, so I know that they are there when I need them.  But still am alone a lot.  But I enjoy it.  I like to do my own thing. 
 
I hope that you are having a Merry Chirstmas.  I have to work today.  Bummer, but that is okay.  We will celebrate our Christmas with the grandkids on Tuesday. 
 
Take care my friend.  Relax and go with the flow of life.
 
Hugs,Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 12/26/2009 1:58 AM (GMT -7)   
I do accept myself. Being alone just for the most part seems to make me really really depressed. I do like to do my own things, but I would much rather have someone special in my life. Just the fact of knowing that someone loves me and wants to be with me makes a world of difference in how I range in happiness.

Life is too short to be alone. It should be shared with someone that makes you happy. I just want to move on in life and be in love with someone. That's so much easier said than done though.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 12/26/2009 2:57 AM (GMT -7)   
it is. jamie, but when you get there...........well, no words needed!!!! be you and be true. jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 12/26/2009 8:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Work on you for now, and that someone special will come along before you know it.  It takes time to build a relationship.  Sometimes it doesn't work out, and somethimes it does.  It is all trial and error.  But working on you is the best thing.  Build up self esteem and confidence.  Learn about yourself.  Find out your likes and dislikes.  Work on any things that you don't like about yourself.  Take care of you first.  You have to do that before you can have a successful relationship with somebody else.  I know it isn't easy.  And can take some time, but you grow mentally as you go. 
 
Keep posting my friend.  Hope that your holiday was a good one.  I worked.  Oh well.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/6/2010 6:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Okay well we got back together when I got back about a week ago. Appearantly she doesn't want to be without me, and I seriously do not want that either.

What's the trouble now is her anxiety. It's overrunning her. We want to meet each other but yet again, she thinks her anxiety would get in the way of that because of worrying and being nervous. This is just real complicated, and I don't know what to do. We both still want each other, but things are getting in the way of that. :(


Being lonely is just making me severely depressed on top of my already severe depression. The other day I was pouring buckets of tears because of this nightmare world of hell I live in, . i wasn't thinking at the time obviously, so much crap going through my head- It's hard to cope anymore.

I'm losing grip on life. Nothing goes good for me, only good thing that has happened to me my whole life was meeting this girl, and I don't know what's to happen about it all.

No one can understand what I feel, it seems. I'm getting nowhere, just a complete mess all the time.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/6/2010 8:54:57 PM (GMT-7)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/6/2010 8:09 PM (GMT -7)   
this is not a good path. i have been there. please seek immediate assistance. i am worried for you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/6/2010 8:23 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been to too many shrinks to want to go back, nothing has helped, and I certainly don't have any hope for it helping out at all in the future. I just found out my grandparents are dying of cancer, I need to decide where I'm going to go move to, if I want to continue college wherever I go, what to do with my job right now in the meantime, what to do with college here where i live now, so much other crap, it's too much pressure battling all this stuff I have right now. I'm drowning. I don't even know what it's like to relax, and I can't remember what it's like to be happy.

I literally don't remember... What it was like... Being... Happy.

I just want something to go right for me for ONCE in my life, but no- just, not going to happen is it. I can't have anything good, or anything real. I'm just a CURSE.

Post Edited (Devoured) : 1/6/2010 8:27:02 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 1/6/2010 9:02 PM (GMT -7)   
 
 
 
Devoured,
 
You say that you have been to psychiatrist, but have you been to a psychologist?   You really need counseling right now.  You need cbt I think (cognative behavioral therapy).  You are in a bad place.
 
I had to edit out a sentence in your other post as we are not alowed to discuss self harm.  I hope that you can understand that.  But knowing that you have done that, worries me.  So please get some help for yourself. 
 
You shouldn't need another person so badly.  Sure it is nice to have a partner in life, and you will, in time.  But first you have to work on yourself.  We were all born as individual people and we live that way.  That is what makes a relationship work, two individuals coming together.  Otherwise it is not balanced, and one person is doing all the giving and the other all the receiving.  By getting yoursef solid, you can be able to give to the relationship.  You cannot depend on another person to make you whole.  So please get some help before things get out of hand.  You are a good person and worthy of the help that you so desperately need.
 
Stay with us,
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/7/2010 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
What is a psychologist going to help with that a psychiatrist doesn't?

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/7/2010 2:28 AM (GMT -7)   
from experience psychologists can effectively help you with things that are causing you distress. they can help you to prioritise, help with behaviour modification, depression and are good outlets for expression. yeah, i hr with a psychologist vs 15 minutes with a shrink to adjust your meds. you have to want to be helped. i understand, as i have said i have been there, for me it has been a long and tedious road-but i am truely getting there. it is a road that  i DO NOT  want you to traverse!!!
 
all the very best, keep reaching out, it dosen't matter who. we are always here for you, please seek help. with compassion, jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Devoured
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/7/2010 2:38 AM (GMT -7)   
I want to get better but everything seems so hopeless. I have been dealing with depression since I can remember.

I'm afraid I wil lget thrown into a mental hospital or something if I tell someone the tuth about how I feel, and how I view this world. I don't know what to say to my parents either. They know I'm depressed, but they would smack me around if they knew I harmed myself.

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/7/2010 3:09 AM (GMT -7)   
sadly my friend you may need to. i am afraid that you will worsen, please understand, i have had 20 public admissions and 8 private, the 8 were extremely lengthy-around 3 months each. i have had ECT, stayed in a inpatient program for six months, for people with severe borderline personality disorder, around 8 yrs of private psychiatric care, became homeless for 2 years, kicked out of home, from many past episodes i am lucky to still be here-i think you know what i am saying. i have had many dx's, heaps of sedating meds, family isolation-now this is important. it is about educating them, mental illness is alike any other medical condition, you have not chosen it-but if you isolate and not inform them then the how do they begin to understand.
 
seek out support from your local mental health agency. do not be ashamed, you NEED SUPPORT. even call the free call numbers or psychiatric triage at your local hospital. see your doctor, he/she can help you with information to help your family understand, and or you can ask them to attend so the doc can inform them of your situation and what he or she thinks should be the next step.
 
take care, i wish you well.
jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40596
   Posted 1/7/2010 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
Devoured,
 
They are not going to commit you into a hospital for seeking help.  They might discuss it with you if they think you need it.  And if you do, voluntary is best.  You can leave sooner.  But I seriously don't think you are in need of that.  I think you are in need of counseling.  Be honest.  We all have things that go through our heads that we worry about, but they aren't as bad when we get to counseling.  You need direction.  And support.  We can support you and offer direction, but a psychologist or therapist can really offer a lot more than that.  They can go deeper and really help you to chose the right path in life.  Things don't always go smoothly and they can help you deal with that.  Your fears and your actions.  Dont' be afraid to talk, it is good for you and good for all of us.  Most of us go to therapy. 
 
Jamie has some good advice, I would really consider following it.  He has had a lot of experience with mental health situations, he has been around the block.  So please listen to what he has to say and take it to heart.
 
I hope that you feel better soon.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/7/2010 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Devoured,

I agree with the others that therapy and medication can make huge advances against the depression you're feeling. You and this girl clearly care for each other but neither of you are healthy right now, and that doesn't bode well for a long term relationship. If you want to get better, seek out a psychiatrist and a therapist (psychologist) or counselor, and work at it. It's not easy, that's for sure, but you can do it -- and encourage your girlfriend to do the same. It sounds like you are both encouraging the unhealthy in one another, and that isn't good. You won't get better together at this rate -- you'll get worse. Don't do that. For the sake of your relationship, look into getting help.

Karen is right, "they" can't commit you into a hospital unless you are suicidal or homicidal, and even then it requires a judge's permission and you can only be held for 72 hours. Since you are neither, you won't end up hospitalized. Most of the time, hospitalization is voluntary, and can be helpful.

I practiced SI also, for several years. It's not alright. There are things you can do instead of hurting yourself, but therapy is how I got over it for good.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER

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