Having a breakdown

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/27/2009 11:19 PM (GMT -6)   

I don't expect much of an answer and have never actively seeked advice on a forum for this type of situation before; but it's better than nothing. I suppose this topic has been brought up many times before but I really require help.

Two years ago I broke up with my ex; we met online and that progressed to meeting each other every weekend for the two years that we dated.
We broke up over something pathetic which was me playing a console game. Yes. I was, I suppose, being controlled and manipulated and this took its toll on me as I have my own extensive history of problems. Things got violent that night where I ended up holding a knife to myself to make him get away from me.

Throughout those two years we contacted each other (online) on and off trying to work things out again. Stupidly of course I kept following him hoping we would get back together as I had genuine feelings towards him despite the continuous verbal abuse from him. So for those two years I was given false hope of being back with him. The time I did have with him from early teenage years were the happiest i've experienced yet in my life as I suffer from extreme loneliness and had bullying for many years.

He came online not too long ago after not speaking for 3 months and told me he had a new girlfriend, which was rubbed thoroughly in my face. This totally broke my heart as I had waited for so long and wasted so many years; I'm almost on the verge of a breakdown and my severe OCD doesn't help the situation. Being 18 now I have no counciling anymore, if I chose to I would be enlisted to a 7 month waiting list which is rediculous.

The advice I'm desperatly seeking is; how can I try and move on or forget him as he so mercilessly treated and forgotten me in the snap of a finger? Particulary being difficult is I knew him for so many years and felt that the relationship we did have wasn't a stereotypical teenage thing. I cannot understand the lack of compassion in some humans and never will. He had bipolar which contributed to alot of outbursts but still no excuse as I never once uttered a word of anger to him.
It would help me very much if someone could tell me how to just move on with my life; which is difficult as I have no friends or starting point to begin with.

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18558
   Posted 12/28/2009 5:18 AM (GMT -6)   
hi ryuzaki. i am jamie, male and 37. i agree that i do not like or condone men who do this. in short he is toxic, he has hurt you, and even though you were taking positive steps to reconcile he was seeing someone else. again, you do not deserve such behaviour to your person-from anyone.
there is plenty of good fella's out there, but i would first recommend that you do some healing. i do not want you rebounding and ending up in a similar situation. sorry for being direct, as this happens alot, and i do not want it to happen to you. i am sure other members will post with info soon. in the meantime look after you. i am sorry for what has happened, albeit i think it wise to cease contact.
with compassion,

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 840
   Posted 12/28/2009 10:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello Ryuzaki.  Your post sounded a lot like me when I was your age.  (I'm old and over the hill now at 42!)  When I was 15 years old I met my ex-husband and continued to date him until I was 20 when I married him.  Ultimately, we divorced a little over 5 years ago.  For over 22 years I was in a verbal and psychological abusive relationship.  He used to yell and scream obscenities at me, nothing I ever did was right (which led me to continuously trying harder and harder to do better) and he just treated me so badly that I lost all sense of myself and to this day I am still in therapy working on my lack of self-esteem and all my invisible wounds.
I can honestly feel and understand your pain in your post.  And please do not think I am minimizing it when I tell you how lucky I consider you to be that your relationship is now over.  I understand what it feels like to pin all your hopes onto a relationship and keep it going to try to make it right.  But please trust me when I say how much you are only hurting yourself by doing this.  I look back now and see how much I missed and denied myself over the past 20+ years.  You are a very special person and you deserve to be treated that way.  No relationship is perfect, but trust me the relationship that you describe is truly toxic to you as Jamie said.  You are selling yourself short!! 
Perhaps you might need more therapy again to work on self-esteem issues and learning to love yourself for who you are.  (God knows I am still working on this.)  As you are only 18 now you have a whole lifetime ahead of you to figure out who you are and what you want out of life.  You have the opportunity to have a wonderful future.  Thus, my closing advice to you is to immediately stop all contact with your ex-boyfriend.  Any contact you have now or could continue to have will only serve to hurt you further.  Use this time to grieve for what is over and to begin to move forward.  And if the opportunity for therapy will not come along for seven months, you could use this interim time to find some self-help books on self-esteem or even co-dependency and try to put yourself in a much better and happier place.  And/or perhaps you could find a church minister or another trusted adult that you could speak to in the meantime.
I am glad that you found us here at HealingWell.  Please know that we are always here for you!

Post Edited (CassandraLee) : 12/28/2009 8:14:26 AM (GMT-7)

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40395
   Posted 12/28/2009 12:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ryuzaki,
Welcome to Healingwell.  I am so glad that you have found us.  Here are a few sites that might help you along the way.
I hope that you can find some help with these sites and to the best of my knowledge, they are all free.
As was mentioned above, self help books are a blessing.  There is one called "Feeling good" by Dr.David D. Burns.  And there is another one called "Healing the child within" by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D.
I am really glad that you have joined us.  I agree that you don't deserve the verbal abuse that you got from your ex.  He doesn't deserve you and I would try to forget him.  Just think of it as a learning experience.  Break all contact with him.  He is toxic to you.
I hope that this information does help some.  Keep posting and let us know how you are.
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2009
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 12/28/2009 2:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the replies. I'm having constant bouts in between hours on severe depression and crying although it eases off sometimes. I cannot even go outside without crying. My mother had the same answer as CassandraLee; I should be lucky it ended due to herself having a young marriage and relationship which turned sour quickly. Although I always have doubts will I find someone I truely like again.

It was constant verbal abuse in the two years such as calling me a 'fagg*t' and anything possible to hurt me, yet apparently I wasn't chasing him enough. The insults usually flew past me though. I was manipulated due to him asking me to change everything about my personality. My weight, clothes and hair had all changed to suit him and music and certain foods were even restricted if he didn't like it. Friends were also not allowed. Apparently if I didn't do what was asked it didn't show my 'devotion' or 'love' to put him first over everything he wanted. Although as silly as it is, a console game ended it all as I saw this as pathetic and it pushed my boundries.

It's unbelievably painful to have waited and hoped on someone for two years and despite me still being youthful, I'd like to think of myself as mature and not stereotypical when it comes to teenage affairs. Neither would I like to date dozens of people.

Thank you for the links also, although due to my shy nature I have no friends and find it difficult to socialize and stop me thinking about the whole situation. Would there be any help in how I can help myself move on?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 840
   Posted 12/28/2009 3:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Ryuzaki.
I would like to let you know first of all that I do believe you are mature for your age.  You are in pain, were able to verbalize it and express your need for help.  This alone portrays yourself as mature.  And by no means did I mean to treat your dilemma as stereotypical.  So please do not feel like I did.
In regards to asking how to move on, I would advise that you keep yourself busy.  Do you have any hobbies or a job?  Are there any people near you that you could help out either on your own or as part of a group? Do you like to exercise?  I have found that when you have plenty of time on your hands and you are not feeling up to par that your mind will consistently replay the situations that bother you.  And this causes further depression.
Also, a previous therapist once told me that when you are upset, or need to figure out how you feel, writing can be a positive thing.  Just grab an old notebook or piece of paper and write down whatever comes to mind.  Perhaps write a "pretend" letter to him telling him either how disappointed or angry or letdown you feel....whatever it is that you are feeling.  Then burn it.  ...All in all, you need to let your feelings out.
So my closing advice is to keep very busy and find a healthy way to let your feelings out once and for all.  Keep in mind that this will take time to go away.  But hopefully each day it will hurt a little less.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 12014
   Posted 12/28/2009 8:49 PM (GMT -6)   

Ryusaki, a person who tries to change you and control you does not love you--he has a sick need to control.  See it for what it really was.  Remember the bad parts of the relationship, not whatever good there might have been.  You deserve much better.  When you start to heal and learn to like yourself, your relationships will start to improve.  I found this out after many years of abusive relationships.  You are still young.  Please don't waste your time on people who don't deserve you.  Do something to help you feel better about yourself, whether it be taking a class or volunteering, or pursuing a job or career you are interested in.  The love you seek lies within yourself.



Forum moderator - Hepatitis
"But that was yesterday, and I was a different person then."
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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