My Depression & My Marriage

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dajr
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/1/2010 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello. New up here...new to depression...and recently was told by my wife that she loves me but she is not "in love" with me and that she can't be my wife anymore. I know this is not a marriage counseling forum so I will stay on topic. After a few weeks of panic and some serious self examination it hit me...perhaps that I...a man...was in denial about possibly being depressed. What else could explain my attitude, mood, behavior...I couldn't. Over the past few years my behavior has certainly been suspect;

- withdrawing/avoidance from any complex/difficult conversations with my wife (silent treatment)
- irritability up and down
- trouble focusing and concentrating at work
- not being proactive my my family
- not sleeping as soundly as I used too and waking up before alarm goes off
- difficulty staying in a good mood for long periods of time

Add to the above the many other triggers in our lives and it appeared to be adding up to "depression" I sat my wife down..I admitted to this....she listened. She says she doesn't blame me....I apologized for not knowing this sooner. I wrote down all the triggers that I felt only added to my condition. I feel terrible about the guilt I now carry. I asked my wife to stand by my side and help me through this.....she said she cannot. Then..the next day she said she'd be willing to drive with me to my 2 appointments...to give me support..to wait in the parking lot...it confused me. I wound up doing both alone...one was an appointment with my Primary doc to get him up to speed on my situation...the other was with a Psychiatrist...brief consult and he prescribed the meds.

I have since had 2 sessions with a therapist, a 15min session with a Psychiatrist, and have recently started 10mg of Lexapro...2 days ago actually. Therapist has already used the word Dsthymia which I understand is a more mild form but my marriage situation may have moved me to Major. Today I felt at ease and at peace with myself...first time in a long time. I listened to some music without getting emotional. Meds at work already? I am still in awful distress over my wife but I am now struggling with coming to terms with how much my depression has played a role in my current situation.
I am also very,very anxious about the meds. Are they working already? Will they be the answer?
How bad will side effects get?
My wife was upset to hear about meds so soon...she thinks it's too aggressive. She doesn't think I need meds.

I have a 40min session lined up on Tuesday where I will be disclosing some additional pieces of my behaviors to my therapist....things that were not clear to me until just today....things that seem to point more towards my depression.

I have yet to disclose any of this to my parents or my sister. Is it safe to say that I am depressed? Perhaps I am still struggling with admitting it.

I'd also like to better educate my spouse on my condition.....although she may not be interested. She has already said that she knows people will blame her and feel sorry for me. Is there a good place for info to share with spouse ?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 1/1/2010 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Dajr,
 
Welcome to the HealingWell depression forum.  There are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through.  The best thing that I can advise is to start working on you.  And whether your relationship will continue or not, I am not sure.
 
It takes a good four to six weeks for your medication to reach it's full effect, though you could start feeling better shorter.  Generally the side effects leave within a couple of weeks, though I never got the side effects until I was into a month or two in taking the medication.  It is an on going process.  I would take it one day at a time if I were you. 
 
Your wife doesn't sound too compassionate about your situation.  I didn't like reading what she said about people feeling sorry for you and blaming her.  That should be the least of her worries.  People can't blame other people for their moods, they own them themselves.  So it isn't her fault or your fault, it is just something that has happened.  Black and white, not gray areas. 
 
Work on getting better, put yourself first when it comes to that.  Whether or not she will stick by you remains to be seen.
 
I hope that you feel better soon.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


dajr
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/1/2010 7:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the warm welcome Karen. I feel very challenged with my current situation, in fact overwhelmed.....battling my own depression without my spouse by my side, fighting for my marriage by myself, continue to perform at a high level at my job, and give my children the time, attention, patience, and love they deserve. It's time for me to tune in my family so I can have a support system in place. My heart just aches and aches and I refuse to give up...not on myself...not on my marriage. I have to find a way to let go of some of this guilt..i know i put my wife through some very difficult times...but I'm not sure that I can blame myself for it all. I know that I cannot control her or her actions. My head is just spinning......

arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 1/1/2010 10:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear DAJR, after struggling many years with Chronic Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorder... my family still thinks I should just get over it... listen to your inner self... your counselor... pschiatrist... etc... and Karen... she has excellent feedback... actually I believe you need to focus on yourself... and your family... but the pressure of being everywhere and everything to everybody... I feel for you... take care of you DAJR... then you can be helpful to others... wish you loads of comfort and help in this New Year... and my prayers are with you and your family... Arneeb

dajr
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/2/2010 8:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Arneeb. Today was not the best day for me.....I walked around for most of the day very glum and filled with tremendous guilt. I spent some time with friends today and it helped. My wife is very upset, disappointment, and does not support me with the medication path. She thinks it's very radical to have put me on something after two 40 min. sessions with my therapist and a 15min consult with my psychiatrist. She does not believe in the meds...and of course hearing this only made me feel worse. She thinks there are other natural remedies that I should have first sought out before starting on 10mg of Lexapro. She referred to the meds as mood enhancers that would not allow me to get through this and feel it the right way...this was also very upsetting to here. So now I'm so very torn. I just tooked my 3rd dose tonight. Can others please comment on this? Is it too soon to think that meds are the right thing for me? I know that meds are not the only solution...that they can help. I have other things to do to stay positive each day like eating well, working out, being around family and friends and doing things that bring joy and happiness in my life. Tomorrow will be a better day....I will smile more....but with great pain buried inside me....the guilt of what this has done to my marriage is so overwhelming and I believe my wife feels I can snap out of this naturally (i.e without meds)...but I have to trust my inner self here and the professionals that I have spoken with regarding my situation....

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 1/3/2010 12:47 AM (GMT -7)   
it will take some time. the meds situation, i feel that your psychiatrist is the one best to advise. the more indepth your therapy the better you will become. it does take work and committement by you. you have been brave in posting, i can see that your awareness has brought a self-actualising position to what has been happening, continue with this insight. it is the way to healing, understanding and continued efficacy of yourself. depression is a medical condition, thus do not feel shame in exposing it. some planning will be administered in therapy to help with this, and yes i agree with the others, you are number one priority at the moment. healing compassion my friend. it gets better.
jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 1/3/2010 8:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi there,
 
I think Jamie is right, try the medication route.  though it may take a few weeks to know if it is working, but some of us get results sooner.  Deal with this without your wife making the decisions.  Work on you, listen to your wife, but do what the doctor says to try to get better.  Tell her that you prefer to try this method first.  And leave it at that.  Natural remedies help some, but not all.  They just aren't strong enough for some people.  This is your journey, not your wifes.  But she can be there to support you.  If she isn't supporting you, just let her know that you know that she cares, but keep doing what you are doing.  Once you start feeling better, you will be able to handle her better.  Don't dismiss what she is saying, like I say, let her know you appreciate that she cares, but want to do it YOUR way. 
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


dajr
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 1/3/2010 1:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Jamiee,Karen, I truly appreciate your thoughts on my situation....made me feel a little better after a tough morning. I'm going to keep taking the meds....some mild nausea and insomnia last night which I hope doesn't get worse. Wife hit me with the "it's over" talk again today and is anxious to take next steps. She told me she was tired of fighting for us (and me not seeing it) and that she see's me fighting now when it's already too late.....just an awful feeling inside me. Awful. I guess if I got help last year perhaps I would still be in the game...this is what is killing me inside. I didn't see it....I thought I'd snap out of it....Not even sure I knew what it really was.....I was unaware. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt that I need to let go of. I'm now preparing to inform my parents of my depression and my marriage..they don't know. i wanted to let the holidays pass before informing them.....I'm also considering staying there a few days this week to see if I can level off a bit and breath...but I get so upset when I think about my kids and not seeing them. My wife has been urging me to reach out to my family for support....i will be tomorrow....

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 1/4/2010 1:29 AM (GMT -7)   
good on you. i am pleased. you need the support. i do hope you receive it. some educating may be required. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/4/2010 8:44 AM (GMT -7)   
Hang in there, dajr.

What an awful situation. You need to take care of yourself so you can be there for your kids. Divorce is very hard on them. I agree with the others that you should stay on course with the meds. I am surprised your wife would resist you getting medical help. When you have any other medical condition, you go to the doc, they give you medicine after seeing you for LESS than 15 minutes. Why should a therapist and a medical doctor (psych) not be able to tell you what's wrong after evaluating you for more time than you usually get from medical professionals. They see it every day. Things get harrier when you have other disorders and personality issues at play, for sure, but if you're clearly depressed, you need help. Meds can help. My guess is she is threatened by the idea that you've "woken up" and want to do better. She seems invested in keeping you down for some reason. No matter, you look to your family, to your therapist, and here for the support you need.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40568
   Posted 1/5/2010 7:41 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi INsomnia download,
 
Welcome to healing well, and to the depression forum. 
 
I am so happy that you posted.  But I would suggest, if you are comfortable with it, starting an introductory thread of your own so we can get to know you.  This is totally up to you and whether you feel comfortable with it. 
 
Keep posting, and know that we are here for you too.
 
Take care,
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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