type out how I feel. Any feedback or help would be great thanks. I am not a big talker in real life, I dont like talking about
things with people unless I really really have to and by things I mean emotional things. I have/had(not sure) some good friends and things are ok in that respect, I dont know how to do this....where to start....I am unsure what I am, leaning towards depressed but I cant seem to let myself feel that weak. SIGH. I'll just say why I'm here, I guess. I have had a bad year for myself, I lost my family, lost a good job and have been feeling like less and less of the person I was before and I seriously miss my old life like crazy. I have been trying to get a job for the last 2-3 months(not trying too hard) but havent been hired yet, my bills have piled up and continue piling, I spent all of this year wasting money on stupid things like drinking and....frankly I dont even know fast food and crap??? I havent been able to pay child support since like August and I hate that, I want to contribute but the little money I have made since the summer I have used towards booze, going out and presents for my young son. The bills just keep going up and up due to interest, my credit is gone to crap and it's going to take a lot of time ot pay those things off and I just feel like Im drowning over here, while my ex is doing perfectly fine with her great job and all the things we had together(she kept it all, including the debts we built together) she has full custody of our son, and is generally happy in all facets of life, from my perspective. That kills me, I think about
it all the time. My drinking has gotten waaay out of control(trying really really hard not to drink right now...day 4) and sometimes when I drink I do unspeakable things, in the last year I have gone to the drunk tank 4 times,lost 4 pairs of glasses, woken up in strange places and punched my Father and sister unprovoked and out of nowhere among other dumb things. They also said I attacked nothing like I was fighting shadows, I called my sister, my Mom(whom is dead) and called her a ***** and other things Im unsure of exactly what happened then just up and punched her in the face. When I do these things I am sooooo out of it I have absolutely no recollection of these events until someone tells me what happened the next day. Now I feel really alone and ostracized, I feel like my friends are distancing themselves away from me and my family is getting sick of me, I live with my parents and have done damage to their house, I dont pay any rent and I feel horrible about
that too. I want to start a career but havent the foggiest idea as to what I want to do, I have really no interest to speak of for a career. I really dont know what to do, I want someone to talk to but I have no money I can pay anyone. I really really need help with my emotions I guess and I think some kind of counselling may help. Also I know I need to get a job and stop drinking, these things I know. What I really want to know is why I am the way I am. Sorry for rambling on and on any comments advice will help, I hope. Thanks.