I did go back and editted a couple of words out of your first post because we are not allowed to talk about suicide or illegal substances here on the forum, but I am sure others will still understand what you are talking about and know that you are suffering.
This is really a hard time of the year, with the holidays over it feels like something is missing. I think it is because of all the excitement during the holidays. It is sad, but many people become depressed during this time of you. Though yours does sound like it has been eating at you for a while. As I said in my first post, I think counseling would help you and maybe talking to your family doctor would be good, as there are physical ailments that can cause depression. So that way everything else can be ruled out.
I really hope that you feel better soon. Keep posting and know that we are here for you.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies