This is my first post to this forum, I'm too embarassed to phone an online counseller. What difference does it make on the web..
My problems all started on my 10th birthday. I was at school 5 minutes before the bell to go home and all I remember is some kid asking me why my mum was crying. I thought she was mocking me. My teacher made me leave early and my mum and my nana drove me home in total silence. When we got home they told me that my Aunty's boyfriend had hung himself... I didnt believe them at first it felt so weird like a dream or something. It was the first real death I had ever experienced and i still think about it now even though I'm alot older. I thought maybe I'd done something wrong for him to have picked my birthday I thought maybe he did it because of me.. I didn't have a birthday party that year. And from then on I celebrated my birthday the day after the real date.
The next couple of years went by and were pretty crap too, My grandad who held my family together like cellotape got cancer, which took him from a strong and intelligent man, to a frail little man who took to writing notes to himself on pieces of paper. The cancer spread from his lungs to his brain and he passed away. He lived for two years though the doctors only gave him 6 months.
The next year i was in my second year of intermediate school and I sat next to a boy who was funny, and had gorgeous looks. Probably the most popular guy at school and we became good friends. Then one day my teacher called my class together and told us he was sick but was going to get better. He didn't get better though he had collapsed of an asthma attack on his way to school and lay brain dead in a hospital bed until they decided to turn his machine off.
After that I kinda just stopped caring about myself. People started calling me 'gothic' because i was always depressed and sheltered myself from other people. I took to the internet and stole my brothers webcam. And I was stupid enough to believe that people who complimented me were able to 'view' my webcam without thinking of the downsides.
And then a seniour at my highschool started taking notice of me. No boy had ever looked at me twice. We chatted on the internet, texted each other and everything. But he had a girlfriend and was cheating on her furiously. But with my rose coloured glasses on I looked past that. Eventually we went out to a party together. And then he hooked up with my cousins best friend who he had met at the same party a week later. I forgave him.
Eventually we started getting closer and we were inseperable. Though he denied it, I know he was still with his girlfriend. Around xmas time we kissed for the first time and I felt like everything was starting to work out. I gave him everything I had. But after about a month we started seeing less and less of each other and he started hanging out with his ex again. Then he texted me one night off his mates phone to dump me and i was heartbroken. I started drinking heavily, ... I was living in a trailor at the time because my parents like my brother more than me and have always made it their highest priority to make sure I'm out of the way and miserable.
I met another guy. He was shy, and was such a gentleman. We started going out and he helped me stop drinking. But i was stupid I treated him bad like a slave. I would break up with him. And my ex would come stomping over my life and i was stupid enough to always submit to him. At the time any guy who paid interest to me, or offered me something i wanted I'd go with and i screwed up and cheated on my boyfriend and im ashamed to say I didnt just do it once but 4 times and I hate myself for it. I stopped. And I've been with him for 2 years now and I've never told him and I dont know if i should I feel so guilty I think about it constantly and its bring me down so much we live together and when hes asleep I kind of mouth it to him as a way of getting it off my shoulders I love him so much and he treats me like an angel I dont whats wrong with me and why I did it. I want to tell him but I dont want him to leave me
Should I tell him?
Im really sorry for the novel but ive never told anyone any of this...
Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/13/2010 6:45:35 AM (GMT-7)