On a long journey

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bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/13/2010 6:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I suffered with severe depression during my teens as a result of acne and verbal abuse from classmates and then again when my parents died. I didn't talk to anyone about it. There was one guy willing to date me and we ended up getting married after I graduated and went to business school. We've been married for over 22 yrs. A couple years ago after building a house and years of having people tell us what a perfect couple we are, I suffered a severe mental breakdown. I have severe depression and anxiety. I guess I could no longer take the manipulation, controlling behavior and verbal abuse.  My husband isn't an emotional supportive guy.  He is always saying just suck it up and deal with it.  He's a workaholic who always wants more and will never have enough money. We are both black and white thinkers, but him even more so.  I cracked in a huge way. A coworker knew something was wrong and has been very supportive and there when I needed an ear which only made things worse for me. How could I be married all this time and even talk to another married man, let alone be attracted to another? My guilt and his stating that he was attracted to me even though we could never act on it, sent me over the edge I guess.  The hardest thing I think I have ever done was to actually walk into the mental health clinic for my first appointment.

My parents divorced shortly before I married. My dad had an affair with one of his nurses and married her; she had 3 kids.  He didn't invite me to their wedding for some reason.  I didn't know at the time if I even wanted my dad to walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  That's probably why I married, running away, running to something/someone else. I have lived all these years waiting for my husband to come home from work, waiting to fix dinner, waiting in a car while he visited with his male friends, waiting, waiting. My whole life has been about helping someone else perhaps because I can't help myself. 
 
I am on Effexor XR and now also Abilify as of last week. I was taking Xanax and Effexor XR which seemed to be working ok for the last year.  I have taken probably three other antidepressants before this with little progress previously. My divorced parents both died in '91 -- my mom died Thanksgiving Day and that has always been hard for me. Both of my parents had major health issues. I took my mom to all of her dr appointments and called or visited her everyday. Looking back I now know that my mom had depression.  She just sat day after day in her apartment. I am an orphan I guess.

This year I had to put down my first dog the week of Thanksgiving as well and that sent me back into depression again. I wanted to sleep all the time, didn't shower on the weekends, skipping exercise classes. This week I'm getting out of bed again on weekends, going to spinning and kickboxing classes, and personal training. Hopefully I'm back on the right track, but the journey is really slow, but I hope to make it. I'm tired of feeling so lonely and sad. Thanks for welcoming me to your forum.<!-- google_ad_section_end -->

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/13/2010 8:20 AM (GMT -7)   
hi bikerchic, been a journey, and soon the positive parts of your journey will avail, this is because you know what you need, and what you want. i too am severly depressed, mdd, and i know of the rollercoaster we go on! your other half needs tobe educated about depression, maybe a friend could help? good on you for seeking support, you have been brave in posting and sharing your situation with us, keep doing that and keep on with therapy. one day at a time my friend. with compassion, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 1/13/2010 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
HI Bikerchic,
 
I had to put my dog down the day before Thanksgiving.  I still cry about it, but am getting a puppy in March so I have something to look forward to.  The pup should be born any day now.  I am so excited about that.  I hope to go and see him when after he is born.  But I want to make sure that he is walking around with eyes open.  I hope to get a male, if there are enough and I want a dark one.  German Shepherd puppies they are.  I can't wait.  I know that raising a pup in the winter is hard, but still want to do it. 
 
It sounds like you have been through so much in your life.  I am sorry for that.  But we all learn and grow, even from teh bad things.  So be patient with yourself.  No self blame, listen to me, you are a good person and none of the things that happened are your fault.  They just managed to happen in a way that was hard for you.  So be good to yourself, love yourself.  Treat yourself good.  You deserve that.
 
Know that we are here for you.  I am glad that you started an introductory thread.  It really helps when we know a little about your history and what you are struggling with.  This helps us to help you. 
 
I always recommend counseling.  That has helped so many of us.  And you said that you are taking abilify?  I took xanax, effexor and abilify too.  Worked really well for me.  But I was taking 375mg of effexor and switched to 100 mg of pristiq.  Just because I could take less of it.  So far so good.  But I think that the abilify is what has really helped me a lot.  It keeps me from thinking obsessively and helps me to focus on other things other than myself and what I am going through.  So I am a lot less depressed.  I really hope that it works well for you.  And it doesn't seem to take as long to work.  That is waht I liked about it.
 
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  KNow that we are here for you.
 
Best wishes for a good day.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/13/2010 8:52 AM (GMT -7)   
Wow, I'm so not used to support and kind words. It's wonderful and a little overwhelming. I started to cry. Thanks so much for your kindness.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 1/13/2010 9:12 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bikerchic,
 
That is what this place is all about.  Caring and support.  I am glad that you found it here and that you are having tears of happiness.  Let it out, it is so cleansing. 
 
I have read a few of your posts and you are a very supportive person.  I am glad that you have joined us and hope that you stick around.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/13/2010 11:38 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for this great forum.  I simply wanted to let others know that there is always hope.  I have been suicidal twice in my life.  While my most recent episode was most definitely the worst and closest I came to ending it all, I'm still here today.  I drove really fast many days, planned various ways to do the deed, went from sleeping all the time to no sleep at all, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't do anything, but still went to work. 
 
I've read a couple self-help books and have found a couple of quotes or things that really hit home with me.  Perhaps they will help someone else and so I offer my thoughts here.  Please remember that suicidal thoughts are temporary.  There is help and support available for everyone.  Sometimes the trouble is knowing where to find it, how to take the first step, and feeling like you're worth it. 
 
"Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem."  I have to keep this in mind.  I find it helps to put this phrase in places only I visit and can see it as a reminder in those times when I'm not as strong.  Right now I'm in a better state of mind.  I take each day one at a time.  These are my goals:
 
1.  Find things to look forward to and that I enjoy in life; for me so far that is reading and exercise, but this is proving challenging for me nonetheless.  It's that whole selfish feeling I guess.
 
2.  Be more social to try to find friends to avoid feeling isolated; a major challenge for me.  I haven't made any real friends yet.  open for suggestions on this one.   
 
3.  Try to keep active and busy so my mind does not go to dark places or obsess. 
 
4.  Try not be so judgemental or black and white in my thinking.  Examples:  a) I shared emotions with another married man; therefore, I am a bad person and I must be like my dad (he had an affair, lied all the time).  b) I didn't shower all weekend or do anything constructive; therefore, I am worthless and nobody cares anyway. WRONG WRONG WRONG  nono  
I like to tell myself I'm a work in progress. turn   I hope something I offer helps at least one other person.  That's what this is really about, right? 
 

__________________________________________________________________
"The past does not define you, the present does."
— Jillian Michaels
 


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 1/13/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes Bikerchic,
 
and this forum is about sharing and support.  I am glad that you are finding it here.  I am so happy for you.  I am happy that you are sharing your goals with us too.  We all need to set small goals anyway to keep us going.  It gives us something to strive for and work towards.  I find smaller goals that lead up to bigger things are the best for me.  One day at a time is my motto. 
 
I hope that you continue to feel good, thanks for sharing with us.  Continue posting where ever you feel the need.  Stay with us.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/14/2010 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
me too karen. small goals acheived create a positive impetus to acheive a goal that is a little bigger each time, thus our motivation is reinforced and we feel good that we actually accomplished the goal and ticked it off!! excellent. with peace. i appreciate your honesty and words of experience BIKERCHIC. cheers, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/26/2010 12:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Update -- I've been taking Abilify in addition to my Effexor XR for three weeks now. The hunger has kicked in. I inhaled half a pan of brownies over the weekend and the weekend before I pigged out on blueberry scones. It's ridiculous. I do intense workouts 3-5 days/week and have gained 3 lbs so far. My psychiatrist says that the hunger is supposed to level off and individuals typically gain no more than 5 lbs. I sure hope so or I'll be asking to quit this. I lost 40 lbs several years ago between exercise and diet. I'm not willing to jeopardize going backward even though the Abilify seems to have helped alot.
__________________________________________________________________
Diseases:  Acne, allergies, asthma, GERD, hiatal hernia, depression, anxiety


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40595
   Posted 1/26/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Bikerchic,
 
Please take into consideration how much the abilify has helped you.  I hope that you don't gain anymore weight.  I could handle the five pounds, but not more, so I know how you feel.  But maybe you should try not to get the sweets on the weekends.  I know how hard that is because my weekness is peanut butter cookies that my husband sometimes makes. 
 
Best wishes to you and I hope that the abilify continues to work for you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 1/26/2010 2:13 PM (GMT -7)   
ABILIFY IS GOOD. hopefully it levels out. keep well and focused. here for ya, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

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