Husband raised his hand on me...what to do?

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Sunflower09
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/13/2010 1:26 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone.
First time on this forum...feeling very depressed...can not find words...
My husband raised his hand on me for couple of broken glasses...(I smashed them on the table because was sooo very angry at him!) Saturday morning we were getting ready to go out and have fun with the kids.I was busy to make food, clean kitchen atc. He called me and I did not hear him...He got very angry at me and did not belived me. Told me -You always spoil everything!!!
But I always try to do my best!
Feel sad all the time, do not want to do anything, nothing makes me smile (even my baby-boy) can not play with him, cry when kids are not around...have no energy...wish I can go to sleep and do not wake up...
I am housewife -we have 3 boys.He makes money(and reminds me about it almost all the time), I take care of the house,cooking,kids ATC. My family is far...do not have close people around...
Will appreciate any advises...What to do, where get energy to take care of my kids...
cry cry

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 1/13/2010 3:16 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sunflower09,
 
I am sorry that your husband rose his hand to you.  But did you smash the glasses on purpose?  It sounds like you have to get a check on your temper as well as he does.  Maybe you should get into some marriage counseling.  It does sound like you are depressed.  Maybe a job or something to get you out of the house would be good and you could earn your own money.  But you would have to take daycare into consideration, so make sure that it will be worth it. 
 
It sounds like counseling on both parts would be good for you and your husband.  Think about it and see what you come up with.
 
Best wishes to you.  Welcome to the forum.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/13/2010 4:01 PM (GMT -7)   
Sunflower09, I can relate to your fear and know that no matter what, no man should raise a hand to you or your children period.  No excuses.  As I have said previously on this forum, my husband and I have issues.  While I was in the depth of my severe depression a couple of years ago and I was seeing a social worker and psychiatrist, my husband one weekend retorted with a comment that I will never forget "I haven't hit you yet."  That comment instilled this unbearable fear in me and I responded as I have always responded for over 20 years.  I said absolutely nothing.  You see that is what I learned at an early age was to say nothing, do nothing because no one cares and I must be the problem.  I become confused, unable to focus and withdraw into myself as a self-preservation method I guess.  I'm still working on this and getting better.  I am now able to think clearer and respond.  Granted those responses are not always welcome.  As my psych told me tonight, it really doesn't matter what I do or respond with as my husband has a personality where everything is black or white and others are always wrong or didn't do it right.  It has taken me up to now to see that and understand it.  I talked about his retort at my next visit. 
 
I have taken steps to allow me to respond the way I know I should in such an instance where I am fearful for my safety.  I have made sure I have some money in a place where I can get it in an emergency.  I have a 'plan' which I hope I never need to utilize, but I believe it is crucial that you have one as well, especially with children in the picture.  You should have one person you can call and give a code word to where they know that means for them to come and get you and your kids or for them to call the police.  Remember you are teaching your children everyday by the way you respond as to what is acceptable behavior.  I learned from mother who never said anything.  While she wasn't physically abused, I learned to say nothing, do nothing.  I just existed all this time.  Your husband's behavior was not acceptable no matter why you broke the glasses.  I encourage you to speak with a social worker or mental health counselor or perhaps call an abuse hotline (you do not have to be physicall hit to be abused as I have learned; there is verbal or psychological abuse and these are the people like us these hotlines are trying to help).  My husband was willing to go to one of my appts and then to see a different counselor which he liked and kept going to, but unfortunately the counselor left the clinic a year or so ago, so that has created a real void.  He no longer has that guidance and sounding board.  I'm back to being his sounding board.  You see he handles stress by becoming angry.  He too is somewhat isolated so he vents to me.  We're still working on it and I'm still learning.  Knowledge is power.  We do have choices and have to make choices which are best for us and our children, not what is convenient or kwown sometimes.  Please be strong, be safe, be loved; be yourself.
 
__________________________________________________________________
Diseases:  Acne, allergies, asthma, GERD, hiatal hernia, depression, anxiety (goodness this looks terrible listing them all)
 
"The past does not define you, the present does."
— Jillian Michaels
 


serafena
Veteran Member


Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 1/13/2010 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you bikerchic,

Violence is unacceptable. Period. Don't stand for it. I don't care if you broke every dish in the cabinet, you didn't hit him, he should never lay a hand on you in anger.

Violence isn't only physical, though. It sounds, from your description, like he is belittling you and being unsupportive. You may not have family nearby, but I'm sure they wouldn't want to see you in pain. It's time to take some steps to improve your situation. I know that depression can make action impossible, but you need to move through it, to get out from under it.

Here's a link on domestic violence: www.ndvh.org/ Check it out and see if you can get some good ideas about how to proceed. If you're concerned about having him check your computer, make sure to go into the "Tools" form on your browser to delete histories and cookies when you're done.

Good luck,
serafena
Serafena
Co-Moderator, Bipolar and Depression Forums
Bipolar II

"Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It's a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life." - CARRIE FISHER


CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 844
   Posted 1/13/2010 8:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sunflower.  My ex-husband was verbally and psychologically abusive to me throughout our 14 years of marriage.  And yes, on one occassion as well, he did raise his hand to me.   As the others above have stated, under no circumstances is this okay for yourself or your children in the household.  You have received excellent advice from the members and moderators above.  Please find a way to seek help from a therapist specializing in this area and please follow the suggestion about having a plan in place.
 
My thoughts will be with you my friend.  Unfortunately, I understand too well what you are going through and what it will take to resolve the situation you are in.  But please believe me when I say it can be done and ultimately it will be worth the effort you put in to get there.
 
Cass

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 1/13/2010 11:25 PM (GMT -7)   
hi sunflower, as a male man i find this totally wrong. regardless of gender. i agree with all the other posts regarding counselling. you be safe, and find a safe place to go if you see him boiling up. am very sorry that this has happened. here for you, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Sunflower09
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 1/14/2010 7:39 AM (GMT -7)   
My thanks to everyone for a support,good words and useful links.
I will try...
He will never go to any counseling -this is for sure! He is always right...and no one can tell him different. Maybe with your support I can make the situation better myself. If he will ever find out about this forum-I think I will be in a big trouble...sadly.
It is good that you can go and just share your mind with a good people like you...I feel much better now.
Sadly I do not have anybody to turn on too...We do not have any friends .He does not like people.
Everything in our house is around him...what to do, what to cook, what to buy...I am like a shadow...Since I do not earn anything I must ask his permission to buy stuff. I almost never have a gifts( not Christmas, not birthday, any...). Gladly he is OK with buying gifts for kids( mostly toys) but if I say that kid needs new shoes-he is angry(like kids cal fly and not run...)...all cloth must go forever...It is one of hard things to accept for me like a woman... He is just like that. I must be patient and ask him ONLY if he is in a good mood and everything is fine or it will be just anger and blaiming me for sitting home (like a queen) and demendins stuff ...
I can not call anybody ..do not want my family feel bad about me. They think I am happiest person and luckiest of all. The one person who was close to me was my grandma...but she passed away the next yr I got married... I can not call home... will just cry and make thing even harder for myself...
2 yrs ago I was thinking to go and become a nun...but the kids are my first priority -I will stand anything for them...Maybe I will go ahead and divorce him after they will settle ...but it is like 20 yrs from now...if the things will not improve do not think I will survive that long...
God bless you all!

bikerchic
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 21
   Posted 1/14/2010 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Sunflower09, I beg of you not to stay in this relationship for the sole purpose of your kids. If that it is the only reason you stay with your husband, you will be teaching your kids the same way my mom taught me. We 'kids' learn not to stand up for ourself and that being degraded, dismissed, and controlled is perfectly ok and natural. Your kids self-esteem may suffer. I know how hard it is to when you are alone as am I. I have no family. My husband tells me I have him and his family. Well, they were very supportive initially when they first learned I had severe depression and then they quickly retreated. I suspect that was because they were afraid I would divorce one of their own. I used to have lunch with my mom-in-law, etc. Now I never hear from anyone generally. AFter 22 yrs of marriage and his family always calling me, they now call him for things. I am glad for him that his family is trying to reconnect with him as he has alienated everyone with his behavior, but I feel even more alone. I share your lonliness and know that we are here for you. I am grateful for this forum. I wish you and your family the best.
__________________________________________________________________
Diseases:  Acne, allergies, asthma, GERD, hiatal hernia, depression, anxiety


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 1/14/2010 10:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I am so happy that you are posting on the forum. But you shouldn't have to live in fear. I would strongly recommend counseling for you. A counselor could help you with the resources that you need to get through this situation. You may need to leave with your children, and a counselor could help you with that.

I am still concerned as to what made you get angry enough to break the glasses. Was it him? Your situation? Frustration? Something caused you to come to that boiling point. It could have been hurt. Is it like this with him all of the time? Walking on eggshells is no way to live. Share more with us, we are here for you.  Are you feeling trapped in this situation?  I can only imagine the stress.  My first husband was abusive.  And I know that feeling of never being able to be yourself, and fearing of saying the wrong thing.  I feel so badly for you right now.  I know that you feel that just talking here and working on this yourself can serve the purpose of making you feel like everything is okay, but counseling would help you so much.  It would make you stronger.  It would give you resources of knowing what to do, what help you can get for your situation, and just plain peace of mind. 

As I say, I strongly advise counseling, you need some support. It sounds like you don't have any and it is so important for you to have somebody on your side.

PLease continue to post. We are all here for you.

Many hugs, Karen


  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 1/14/2010 2:38:05 PM (GMT-7)

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