This is not depression because I don't know where else forum to talk in, but I'd hope you'd listen.

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depression_here
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/18/2010 9:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I think this is more of gender-orientation- problem.
I'm a girl and I support guy with guy and it's to the point that I can't stand girls anymore.
Okay so those two issues might not seem connected with each other but they are.
I support guy with guy so much that I start to realize that I hate girls. And I'm a girl so I kind of hate myself because I get caught up in girl stuff. Like shopping, make-up, beauty(stereotypical, I know). I used to have guys I talked with and they liked me and I liked that too because I like having guys like me, but now when I look back, I think Ugh...I was trying to act cute to get attention from guys.(Not obvious flirt but natural, you know) Maybe because I don't stand out much now in high school that I have a big dislike for popular girls, I don't know but every time I see a popular girl in my class flirting with a guy and a guy falling for it, I think What's so great about girls?
All I could think of was liking guys are so much better. Guys are more simple-minded. If they like you, they like you and if they don't, they don't but girls and their feelings are so much more complicated. Do you like me? Or do you love me? How much do you love me? And all the other things. I think it's so much simpler to like guys because then love would be so much simpler except how society might reject homosexuality. And I think of these things so much that I wish I was a guy because then I wouldn't have to try to look pretty or cute in front of people. You guys might think Then you don't have to try to look pretty or cute. It's your choice. I know but it's because I'm a girl that I care to have guys look at me, just one would be enough. I want to be a guy where I liked guys and I didn't have to worry about girls and I wouldn't care if girls paid attention to me as long as I have guy friends.
This might sound messed up(coming from a girl) but this is how I feel and I'm beginning to hate myself for being a girl and caring about if I'm pretty or not and I have Depression so being unable to be what I want would bring me down even more.
Is something wrong with me? Like my mind is messed up with homosexuality? I used make my own love stories with a guy and a girl(me :D) but now I don't want to fall in love as a girl, maybe because of my past and I've been hurt by a guy that I don't really want to have a guy-girl relationship but a guy-guy relationship(but I'm not a guy). Being a guy seems so much more simple.

Tirzah
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 2283
   Posted 1/18/2010 10:24 PM (GMT -7)   
DH,
It does sound like you have a lot of confusing thoughts & it might be helpful for you to talk with a counselor about them. I am a bit confused though about why you think that homosexual guys don't work hard to look good for other men. Granted, I am neither gay nor male, but I have had some friends who were and honestly they spent quite a bit of time in front of the mirror & at the gym & at the clothing stores. I am not at all generalizing that all gay people are like that. But not all hetero teen girls worry about looking good for guys either.

Being in high school can be tricky sometimes. But on the upside, wrestling with all those issues is what will determine how you choose to live your adult life. Sometimes that means choosing one side or the other (choosing to spend time on one's appearance in order to get compliments -- or -- choosing to focus on other aspects of one's life like school or service work in order to find a different type of success), but other times it can mean finding a balance between the two (for example, spending a limited amount of time on appearances to allow for some extra time to do other things, which might allow for some compliments about outward beauty and some comments about one's inner beauty/strength/smarts). I can't really say what the right choice is for you. Just know that any healthy person struggles with those choices. The wise ones figure it out while they're still young. But there are plenty of people in their 40's & 50's who still struggle with wanting compliments vs. wanting to avoid the feeling that it is all so petty. Try to remember that when you feel pulled in two directions. Somehow you will work things out.

And I'm sorry about the guy who was so hurtful in breaking up with you. They're not all like that. All I can offer you on that front is to take some time to be sad, and then get back out there & start dating again. Each relationship brings you one step closer to that great guy you're hoping for. ;)

sweet dreams,
frances

depression_here
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2009
Total Posts : 15
   Posted 1/18/2010 11:38 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks (: that's really helped and I'm not saying that homosexual guys don't do what girls do too but I just think that in general, their minds are so much simpler. Like "I want pizza. I'm going to eat it." rather than "I want pizza. Is that okay? How many calories is that?" I know it sounds really stereotypical but it just seems that way with guys and girls.
He didn't break up with me and that was the problem lol. We just dragged it on for about 2 - 3 years without starting or ending and that's what hurt O: I finally got over him for about a year and suddenly it seems that he was about to get back into my life just these past weeks. Thank God that I was being paranoid (x
Lol I hope so too. I don't tend to fall in love with great guys>:( I don't know why nice, cool or smart guys don't attract me D: I seem to fall in love with outgoing and straightforward guys and being straightforward sometimes hurts>:(

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18757
   Posted 1/19/2010 1:22 AM (GMT -7)   
male-female, we are human beings, we eat, bleed and breath. we live, we learn, we laugh, we cry and we die. gender, well we are who we are. me i am male, 37. i am complex, compassionate, depressed, loving, extremely academic, i am intrinsic, albeit i am me, with all of my eccentric ways. i am human. even in this hectic world i am me, this is all that matters. life is a journey, moreso to find our place, me my path is on evolving compassion to all, i strive to always learn, about me, about others; this life is, therefore so am i, a partner on the road, a road of knowledge, thus i be, i be me, the rest.............for you, be you, on a journey of discovery of truth and one of continued self discovery. jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 1/19/2010 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
I use to dislike women because I felt I couldn't trust them.  Therefore I have always had a lot of male friends.  But after time, I found women that I could trust.  It sounds like you are going through something similar.  But things change in time and so will your way of thinking.  Guys often do seem much less complex than women, but actually that isn't always true.  People are complex and we are all individuals.  I do think counseling would help you figure out what you want out of life.  But just be you.  You are a wonderful person.
 
Best wishes,
 
Hugs Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40590
   Posted 2/3/2010 7:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Darlene,

Welcome to healing well. I removed your signature as it led to a website that costs money. So please take it out of your posts. It is a form of spam.

I hope that you continue to post, is there anything we can help you with? Are you depressed? We are here as a support group for depression.

I hope that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Stac/Catz4
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 358
   Posted 2/3/2010 1:03 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh girl, I've struggled with depression as long as I can remember and I am an "old lady" now! Well my 12 year old thinks because I'm 51 I couldn't possibly understand what she goes through at school. Junior high was the absolute worst! I started a new school during my sophmore year and man those girls were mean. I was a lonely, depressed mess. All I wore were jeans, tee's and no make-up! Then I got involved in Drama. Everyone seemed to be a lot like me. My friends were mostly gay guys and most still are! What I realized was that being gay is no easier than being straight. It hurts just as much for gay people to lose a realationship as it does for straight people. I also developed a few girl friends who I have remained friends with for years. Most are and some are straight. I'm straight and married to this great guy who is my best friend (and that took me a long time to find), I still have one friend who is a woman. I really love her. We aren't gay, I just love that she makes me laugh. We've been friends for about 27 years!!! 25 years ago she married a jerk!! He's emotionally abusive. He made it so hard for us to be friends that we didn't talk for about 10 years. We got our friendship back about 2 years ago. Then about a week ago, he started in on her again and we went from talking or texting a least 3 hours a day, to nothing. She "can't" talk or text to me now and I'm devastated. I'm so hurt I feel sick. My point to all this is that relationships are just that...relationships. Whether they are man and man, woman and woman, straight, gay, whatever they are relationships. It wasn't her that hurt me even though I think she could have stood up to him, it was his abusive, selfish way. So, guys have problems too and they are really very simple to me! Take time out to learn what you want out of life. Those girls who give you a hard time??? They are the losers! You are way too good for them and way, way too good for a guy who's coming in and out of your life hurting you! Take care and please let us know how you are, o.k? I care.
Catz4
Syringomyelia C-1 to T-1, Hypothyroidism, Diabetes Type II, Adhesive Capsulitis "aka" Frozen Shoulder, IBS, Panic Disorder, ICC (Interstitial Cystitis), Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Bipolar Disorder
Too many meds to name/Too many allergic reactions/sensitivities to too many drugs to name Meds for Panic Disorder, Pain, Bipolar, IBS, Hypothroidism, Diabetes and then some
 
 


TeNNiSd0C09
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2007
Total Posts : 1303
   Posted 2/5/2010 12:24 PM (GMT -7)   
So, I really wanted to comment here... I hope that you can perhaps email me and we could talk that way, as to not take up so much space on here talking about this. But, I know exactly where you are coming from. And there is nothing wrong with your brain or anything. And its not a stupid thing to think just because you are a girl.

I have struggled with my sexuality for as long as I can remember. Growing up with brothers and guy friends... I didnt really pay attention that I was a girl. Or that I was any different from them. Then, when high school comes along and there are so many "expectations".. thats when things got SO complicated for me. I dated guys. And I enjoyed it. Sometimes it was weird I think... but then I just stopped dating altogether. Next thing I know, I fell for a girl. And another girl.. and so on. My best friend (who is a girl) was secretly in love with me. All my friends knew, but I didnt know until she finally told me. It was nice to have someone say they loved me and wanted to be with me forever and I could not have asked for a better person.... but, after dating some, I felt like it was weird. Im still not sure if its because we had been friends so long or because she was a girl. But, when we dated... I thought abt dating guys. I still am. For over a year now I have lived as a gay female. Exclusively. However, I felt that if I found the right guy then I would go down that road..

I understand exactly what you are saying about looks. If you are interested in guys, and you are a girl, you feel like you have to dress all girly and be pretty and everything all the time. However, if you were a guy, it is a little easier to "look good" for another guy. For example, Im a girl, but I dont wear makeup. Thats one less thing I dont worry about. I dont dress girly. I do dress like a guy, but I also dress nice, like a guy. I do spend a lot of time "looking good" which involves me spending a lot of time in the bathroom with hair gel and such making it look perfect! lol... It just seems easier for a guy to look good than for a girl. Because for a girl there are so many different things to consider. Hair, makeup, nails, tight jeans, low cut shirts, jewelry... etc.... A guy worries about his hair, putting on his jeans, and putting on a shirt, a spray of something nice smelling.... etc whatever. It just the steriotype that the American society has created.

Looks arent so important though. More importantly, I understand what it feels like to want to be a guy. I have often thought my life would be better if only I were a guy. I wouldnt take it so far as to have the surgery, because I want my own kids... but everything else I would change to be a guy. Its hard to figure out exactly what you want and what is right for yourself. I still struggle with this. Im liking guys more now.. and Im a girl.. but, I feel more like a guy.. and its hard to find someone to be with who is okay with that situation, but its not impossible.

If you want to talk more about this, feel free to email me. My address is in my profile. I dont mind at all. Also, I would encourage you to talk to a counselor. They can be helpful. They dont tell you what to do, but they can help sort things out... So, anyways, I hope this helps... to know that you are not alone and I am here to talk if you want or need to. Take Care
Lyrica (15 months-quit Feb. 09), Paxil (10 months-quit 6-4-09), Cymbalta 6-6-09(horrible effects), Rozerem, Melatonin, Currently taking: Prozac 40mg (July 09), Trazadone 100mg (Sept 09), Focalin XR 5mg, Clonazepam 1mg, Wellburtin XL 150mg-Fibromyalgia, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Eating Disorder, ADHD, Dysthymic Disorder, OCD
"Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you fall apart no matter how strong you are"
"Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"
   

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