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lonelystudent
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/24/2010 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello.
I don't really know what to say here. My problems aren't even close to what it seems everyone else on here is going through. And to be honest, the majority of the time I'm okay. However, on friday, I ended up  an ambulance had to be called and I had to have 6 stitches. All my friends have told me I need to go and see someone, but I figure its easier to talk over the internet. I recently started university. In my first term I discovered I have a rare genetic disorder (a long with a large amount of family members) meaning that I will be highly susceptible to certain types of cancer throughout my life. Two family members have already contracted this type of cancer. One died and the other is currently in radiotherapy. Despite having had symptoms that coincided with this condition, I got the all clear over christmas. I've had to take loads of time off uni for hospital appointments. Also, since starting university, me and my long term boyfriend broke up. Because I cheated on him. I know this sounds hard to believe but I really really loved and still do love him. I don't know why I cheated. The person that I slept with was a friend, I wasn't hugely attracted to him and I definitely prefer my ex-boyfriend. This is so difficult to understand. I broke up with my boyfriend immediately, yet waited a month before I told him about me cheating, basically because I couldn't stop seeing him and it was hurting us both that he didn't understand fully why we broke up. Before this I had got very close to kissing other people on more than one occasion. Each of them I told my boyfriend straight away and he forgave me. I literally detest myself for what I did. Seeing the person that I love more than anyone else as upset as he was about it all absolutely ripped me apart. After we broke up I one time, but it was nothing compared to what happened last week. I don't understand why I did it, which is the worst part. Since we broke up last year I've been drinking stupid amounts. Like, binge drinking to a whole other level. I get carried home most nights I go out and wake up regretting everything I've done and not remembering usually around 2 hours. I know this has to stop but I can't seem to sort it out, and I know you'll all say stop drinking all together but I'm a first year university student so think how realistic thats actually going to be. I realise all of your problems are massive compared to mine and I'm sorry for wasting your time. I just don't know where to turn anymore without feeling like a burden. Especially as half the time I am actually okay. One of my friends said the other day, which I think sums me up well: "You're incredibly strong half the time, and the other half its like you have no coping mechanism." I don't really know where to start with liking myself again. :( Please help

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/24/2010 7:20:31 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/24/2010 7:25 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Lonelystudent,
 
Welcome to healing well.  You are right, I am going to tell you to quit drinking.  Alcohol is a depressant and it sounds like you are depressed anyway.  After what has happened, I am surprised that you aren't in some type of counseling. 
 
No matter what environment you are in, you can choose not to drink.  And I think it is very important that you don't.  Life is short, and you know that.  Try to live happily.  Try to do as much as you can, and be aware of what you are doing.  Really enjoying it, not living in a stupor, not knowing what you are doing.  You are taking so many risks right now, I think it is time to slow down and live right.  I think you know what to do.  But maybe you don't think you are worth it, but you are.  You are a special individual with a life ahead of you.  And it is important.  I hope you can understand what I am saying.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lonelystudent
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/24/2010 7:31 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen, I don't think I'm depressed. Just, dunno. Struggling a bit. I really hate myself for what I did to my ex and don't know how to fix it :(or myself. even ignoring the drinking its still not right. I'm scared.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/24/2010 7:39 PM (GMT -7)   
I can imagine that you are very scared.  You have been facing a lot.  Just wondering if you have cancer is enough to scare a person.  You probably feel as if your life is surreal.  I know that I would.  And I do understand how you feel.  But sweetie, you have had some close calls.  And not being able to remember what you do when you are drinking could get you into a lot of trouble. 
 
And I think if you weren't drinking, you probably wouldn't have cheated on your boyfriend.  So you do things that you don't normally do when you are sober.  Being totally honest, if you have a cancer gene your life could be shorter than average.  You really want to make it count.  Live it and live it sober.  Really feel the good things. 
 
I know that you are depressed by your first post.  Here is a site that might help you along.  It sounds pretty interesting.
 
www.livinglifetothefull.com
 
I hope that it helps you. 
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


lonelystudent
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/24/2010 8:22 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you. x

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18777
   Posted 1/25/2010 2:45 AM (GMT -7)   
sending you healing compassion. jamie - and some hugs!!
 
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
 
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


lonelystudent
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/26/2010 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for all your advice. I'm seeing a counsellor on friday and am trying to stop the drinking because its clearly not solving anything. The ex boyfriend issue is obviously a difficult one. He obviously still loves me a lot as he's carried me home a few times when i've been too drunk to walk, the other week he held my hand till i fell asleep and he took me to the hospital after the incident on friday, however, i think part of the problem with him was that I grew up with him so i dont actually know who i am without him which maybe was why i cheated? I dont know. I still love him a hell of a lot but i don't think gettnig back with him will solve anything as Im not sure hes forgiven me for what I did and i am nowhere near forgiving myself. I can;t get back with him until i know why i did that to him or else whats to stop me doing it again :/ Found out today my uncle has a brain tumour. Unrelated to the gene thing. Lifes not fair :(

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/26/2010 1:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I am so sorry to hear about your uncle.  And no, life is often not fair.  But we have to roll with the punches and try to go on.  Please accept my prayers for your uncle. 
 
I am so happy that you are seeing a therapist.  Take this one day at a time.  You will realize why you did what you did in due time.  It could have had a lot to do with the alcohol consumption.  It causes us not to care and to do things that we wouldn't normally do.  So give yourself a break where that is concerned.
 
It sounds like you are doing better and I am so happy for that.  We are all here for you.  And want to be there to support you.  Keep up the good work.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


harleybluz
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 122
   Posted 1/26/2010 2:02 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi,

You know, you said you don't have problems anywhere near what others are going through on this board.  If you could see me and my life you'd think I was crazy for even thinking I'm depressed much less being depressed.  I have a great, fun husband, house, pool, kid all grown and out of the house :) a job close to home.  What's my problem?  I have no idea.  I think you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why by yourself.  I'm glad you're going to counceling.  With a good councelor you can feel better than ever.  Just do yourself a favor honey and be honest.  It truly is a safe place for you to talk about whatever.  Good luck on friday.  I'll be thinking about you.  I really will, I'm obsessive like that.


This is no Social Crisis... Just another Tricky Day (The Who)

 
FMS, IC, IBS (working on full alphabet) Asthma, Bipolar and now Migraines.  Let's see what else we can throw into my bag of tricks.


lonelystudent
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 1/27/2010 8:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Thankyou, thats the difficult bit though isnt it, accepting why i do such stupid things. I dont like using alcohol as an excuse as it sort of feels like an easy way out, tonight i went out and enjoyed a few drinks in a sensible way which i actually really enjoyed, like i didnt do anything stupid. A friend did kiss me though and i didnt know what to do so kissed him back cause i didnt want to upset him. how ridiculous. i massively need to learn to say no. At least i know this time it wasn't alcohol induced. :/ Silly me. When people kiss me, and I dont mean to be bigheaded but a lot of my male friends have kissed me recently, if i dont know them i seem to have no problem telling them where to go, but when its a friend i'm so frightened of upsetting them or whatever i go along with it and then just feel really bad after.! Silly me. creating problems where there needn't be any again! x

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40603
   Posted 1/27/2010 9:23 PM (GMT -7)   
You said when friends kiss you, you kiss back so that they don't get mad. Well, if the kiss is inappropriate, then you shoudlnt' worry about them getting mad. If you don't want to kiss somebody, then don't let them kiss you. You have choices so make them. It is your choice too. Not theirs. Maybe you have to quit trying to please others so much. Please yourself. YOU are the one that counts in your life. Not the other person.

I am glad that you cut back on drinking, but it doesn't take much to cause you to lose your inhabitions.(sp)... It doesn't take much to do things that you wouldn't normally do. So do keep that in mind. And it doesn't take much to add to depression. Even if you don't get a buzz. So keep that in mind too. I know that you can't just stop over night, though I do know some people who have. So just work on quitting. It may take time, but with a doctors help, you would have a plan. And have some structure about what it si that you want to do. So never give up.

You sound a little bit better now. I am happy for that. Keep us posted and let us know how things are going. And most of all, remember that we are here for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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