Things fall apart

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SLEEPY
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 1/29/2010 4:16 AM (GMT -7)   
smurf I'm here because some of you know what it's like to deal with depression during times of uncertainty. I'm not doing as well as I thought I would with many problems and some of them I've had no opportunity to tell anyone. The one's I have told family and those I can are about being unemployed, desperate for work and struggling with a lack of wellbeing. The lack includes lowering self-worth, thoughts about self-destruction (for me that could include drinking, but not likely suicide).  I'm struggling with actions that will help, like praying. I just don't do it. It's like I'm blocked up, I'm there, but I'm not as focused as I want to be.
 
One thing that bothers me, is that I know pretty well what is going on, why it's happening and what I could do about it, yet I'm so totally stuck. This is not exactly new to me, but this time it's self destructive. If I don't get some things going, I'll be hurt more. Such as aggressive job hunting. I've barely maintained the search. I look, I apply, but after so long (6 months, nearly every day and 2 years on and off) I'm just bled out and blocked.
 
The thing I can't find anyone to talk with about is my wife. The problems are more complicated than time or this forum can deal with. This is a monogamous relationship of over 28 years. We've been married over 25 of those. We have two children and we're both Christians. However, the problems we face have more torn us than strengthened us. We don't work together, and the kicker is we never have. It's been a very tumultuous marriage and I filed for divorce in 2008, but failed to go through with it. I was as helpless then as I am now.
 
She has a very vicious attitude toward me being a failure. She (in my opinion) attacks me verbally and I label it abusive. We've had plenty of marriage counseling but nothing continues for progress. I have never made enough money to satisfy her, and it is true, I have made many years of the marriage far less than what could be expected. I have a BS degree in Marketing and not considering my history of drinking (now 10 yrs sober) I have had 18 years of work experience since graduating. I have 15 more years to add to work experience prior to graduating.  So I've been productive. BUT, I've always been paid minimum wage. Recall that was $2.25 when I was growing up, and when I started college it was only $3.05 an hour. This was not a living wage, and it's been like that for too much of the marriage.
 
A few years I've made good, I guess something like 5 of them. That's a huge problem to my wife, and I don't like it either. Here's the gist of the current crisis. I tried to become a self-employed business owner from 2000 -2009. I was marginally successful and thought success was coming in 2006. This was two years after our son was born, and our daughter was in college (age 21). I just obtained my general contractors license and thought I could build a company. I was ready, I wanted it and tried very hard. I got a second mortgage, and a credit card. opened two new bank accounts and a savings account. I used the second mort. to buy tools and things needed to run a small business. I spent nearly $40,000, but also consolidated nearly $50,000 in other debt. So I racked up $40K in new debt on top of the $50K. All in an effort that I had planned and saw as my talent. It was an opportunity that showed great promise. Especially in the economy of 2006. After all, I had been doing steady work since 2000 with income near $30K for almost all of that time. I thought I would get somewhere for once in my life.
 
There I was working and getting along, and then 2008 hit me in the face. 2009 crushed me like an ant under some kids foot. Now I've just gotten a foreclosure notice and I'm being hounded by my banks. I can't find a job that seemed worth getting, as I had made a budget where $10/hr would be a minimum start wage. Even that was not going to pay the bills, but with my wife it could manage short term. The problem is I haven't found anything. I don't quite understand it, and now I'm so depressed I become  blocked and in dire straights.
 
My wife is more abusive and I'm on edge, insomniac, isolating, hopeless, and can't pay to see a counselor. I am here to unload and read others experience. That's what I have found works. I have no where to turn and need to discuss this. I'm here with honesty and the last of my self worth to try something.
 
In a way, it's good to write this stuff down. I don't journal, as I know my wife would find it and mess with me. She messed with me over the little notebooks I had for my fifth step in AA. She found them and read them and then attacked me over stuff. Nothing was about being faithful, as I stated I'm monogamous. Totally faithful, but that's not enough. Love is drowned in anger and resentment, hopelessness and dysfunction.
 
Last night she mentioned dropping our son out of all day kindergarten and after school care in order to free money. I asked her in between her loud talk at me, what she would want to do with that money. I suggested we make a payment plan to stop the foreclosure and maybe make my car payment so I can drive our son to school and back, and continue possible job hunting and going to my AA, and Al-anon. She attacked that as I was only thinking of myself.
 
I wonder how that can be? I want to stop foreclosure on our home and try to maintain the ability to drive. Both are family needs. Why attack me? I'm sure she's got a huge problem with something, but I don't know what and have not been able to get her to go for one-on-one help. I have to work on myself, and trying to consider anything about her has been all but impossible.
 
Complicated!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 1/29/2010 9:29 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sleepy,
 
Welcome to the depression forum.  You have come to a good place where all of the members are very supportive.
 
You say that you and your wife are christians.  Well, it doesn' sound very chistianlike the way that she is treating you.  I am sorry about this.  She should support you instead of belittling you in the way that she does.  And she should be calm instead of irratic.  I hope that she sees this soon and changes her ways. 
 
It sounds like you are trying very hard.  Have you thought about talking to your pastor or minister, whichever the case may be?  Are you still going to church service?  Are you praying together? 
 
I don't want to put all the blame on her, it takes two to tango.  But it just sounds like she is not supportive of you in the way that she should be.  I am very sorry for that.  I know it must be hard to try so hard and be shut down all of the time. 
 
Maybe it is time for you to ignore her comments and realize that she is suffering from depression too.  I know that words hurt.  But you may have to overlook them to continue to move on.  Try not to let her get you down.  She isn't the boss in this relationship so maybe it will be easier to overlook if you think of it that way.  I would get some counseling for yourself.  You could use the extra support.  And also some direction to take in this life.  I really think that it would help you. 
 
Keep doing what you are doing and try to take life one day at a time.  Congrats on being sober.  That is a huge step and I am proud of you.
 
Keep posting and know that we are here for you.
 
Best wishes,
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18753
   Posted 1/30/2010 10:20 PM (GMT -7)   
i agree with karen. you have given your all. some counselling for you is a good idea. ditto on your sobriety. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


SLEEPY
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 2/26/2010 8:40 PM (GMT -7)   
smurf 
Today, I'm not doing very well. I've tried to take up more meetings, which include Al anon. I even have gone to one debtors anonymous meeting. That last I need because of utter hopelessness.
 
I've been able to write for three days in a row. I found that  I get off and away  from myself, and lose focus. I'm also starting to have thoughts of . This is relatively new. I've not had this kind of idea before 5-6 years ago. That one last time it went away. I didn't even consider it. Yet, for now, the thoughts don't dissipate as I expect.  So, here I am again. about a month later and still unemployed, hopeless, and having dealt with banks taking what small amount of money I've scraped up.
 
I did a very small flooring job a little over a week ago. I got two checks, but I had to clear up a huge mistake my bank made. I succeeded and  had some hope that I could get to use the money I earned through my account. I had my wife cash a previous check, but I had wanted to use my account if I cleared up that trouble. Yesterday I made two trips to my bank. Between them I received a phone call that I succeeded in making things correct and could deposit the money. I asked that any auto payments be ended and I was told that would be OK and to deposit the money. I did. Today I found that they took an auto payment. I asked for it back, and they wont. So, I've now lost out on the opportunity to utilize $150 during this time of extreme crisis. The banks don't care, they've gotten my money, and I'm just some useless idiot who trusted what was told to me.  The feeling of betrayal and anger has been overwhelming. I have been desperate for that money and the bank just took it like so much nothing. Yet, these banker bosses get millions in bonuses. For this?! My disdain and frustration is so hard to dispel.
 
I don't think I'm dwelling on ending it all, I think I'm angry. I think this is situational and I'll have to carry on. Be the stoic kind I have always been. But, being a door mat from this has really had an effect and came at a very inopportune moment.
 
I'm also dealing with the rejection of prospective employers. I truly have been a very positive person when seeking a job. I don't show any untoward attitude, nor have any outward appearance of doubt. I know I've been doing as good a job persenting myself as other prospects, yet, there must be so many, my time hasn't come. This is an exceedingly difficult time. I'm finding too much energy is used up by keeping an even keel.
 
I'm not able to sleep. I wake up around 1-3am and get an hour or no more sleep. It's not healthy. I can't afford to seek help and there's just no way to deal with this.  One or two of the people in my home meeting have called me. That has been positive, and my siblings try to contact me too. I'm grateful, yet so down in the dumps there is a pale upon my attitude. I have gotten so I'm not trying to apply for jobs. I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to deal with the banks. I don't want anyone and anything to be part of another problem. Yet, that's not real and I know it. I just carry on, and go forward as if. Trying to do the next right thing. Very difficult.
 
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/27/2010 8:37:47 AM (GMT-7)


WhiteStone
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 63
   Posted 2/27/2010 7:18 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi and so sorry things are so rough...I agree that some type of professional support may help you resolve some of the underlying issues so that you are freer to work and feel less worthless, allowing you to set limits with your wife...no one should be treated that way...especially someone like yourself who sounds like a caring and thoughtful person... depression surely does interfere in one's life...and about ending your life, please consider talking about this and finding a way to feel less isolated...big hugs, J
It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. (Buddha)
 
Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love. (Laotzu)



getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40581
   Posted 2/27/2010 8:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Sleepy,

I had to edit a couple words out of your post. Please understand. No biggy.

Why dont' you start some counseling? It would give you some exta support. I don't like the way that your wife is treating you. If she truly is a christian, she wouldn't be so verbally abusive. And congrats for your sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment.

I think she needs to learn some boundries expecially when it comes to your journal. That is a private thing and she shouldn't be reading it. I am glad that you are able to come here to talk. This is a good place to let things out. But no more talk about ending it all. Please, we aren't suppose to discuss that.

I hope that you find some support here. We all caer about you. That is for sure. We all suffer with depression. Things are tough right now, everywhere. So have patience. Things will losen up. There are programs to help you through this difficult time. Maybe you should check with human resources and see if they cna help you. I bet that they can.

Take care my friend, keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 2/27/2010 9:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Yes SLEEPY please try to get some counseling , you said you are christian so thru any church there should be many avenues for help and self help available to you .Since you say your marriage has always been somewhat like it is ,its hard to expect her to just change now , you both have accepted being treated a certain way and still stayed together .Changing now will take commitment real commitment and that takes some soul searching on your part .But please get the counsel and support first and go from there ,there are therapists who can guide you through this , they are professionals and can help you best . Good luck to you and family .
HIV+ also Hep c , need hip replacement surgery on hold because of unknown but cellulitus-like ailment  .most pain from hip condition and cellulitus-like ailment .hands numb may have carpal tunnel syndrome now . Great frustration because doctors unable to diagnos ailment              .Medecines - Oxycontin , percocet , Oxycondone , Celelbrex ,Avalox , lasix .

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