why do men act like boys?

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unlovable
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/30/2010 4:32 PM (GMT -7)   
why do they say they will call tomorrow and don't?
 
why do they say they will come see you this weekend b/c they are off work and don't? (even tho they haven't seen you in months b/c you fell in love with them and decided to disappear before getting hurt more........and when they get your number again and call they say they are happy and missed you???)
 
Why?
 
why?
 
Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
 
oh....and WHY can't they even have the common courtesy to call or text to tell you they WON'T be coming to see you this weekend like they said??

medic6012
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 1/30/2010 7:24 PM (GMT -7)   
because most ( not all ) are childish. I can understand about the runing away part I did that and lost the love of my life that I will never get back. I know its hard to move on but sometimes its better not to look for love. It will find you when you least expect it. I never did belive it. Till i found my husband I had given up on men then he found me at a movie store lol. I hope things get better for you and keep your chin up :)

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/30/2010 7:27 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Unlovable,

It is hard to say why some people don't do what they say they are going to do. Maybe they aren't worth the worry.

This forum is for people who have depression and coping skills. We support eachother during their depression. I don't know that you have depression. It sounds more like relationship problems. And I am not sure what to tell you. It sounds like the guy that you like isn't dependable, some guys just aren't. But like I say, they aren't worth the worry.

I hope that you feel better soon. And I hope that you are happy.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18746
   Posted 1/30/2010 10:39 PM (GMT -7)   
not all men. jamie, male, 37. hoping you feel better soon, with kindness, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


unlovable
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/30/2010 10:42 PM (GMT -7)   
hi Karen, thanks...i am bipolar II and in major depression #3.

This one has lasted for 2.5 years so far and i'm sooooooo tired of it. I tried to  about 4 months ago for the first time - even tho i've always said that I've never understood how people can 'attempt' to commit suicide, but I lost it and just acted. it wasn't planned and i am unfortunatly still here and still nearly as miserable and lonely as i was that day.

This guy has been my ONLY moments of near happiness off and on for almost a year. My extremly low self-esteem and feeling unlovable all my life plays a MAJOR role in keeping me in the depression no matter how hard i try to fight it all.

5+ years of therapy and monthly(sometimes weekly) psych doc appointments....have done little, if nothing, to help.

So that's why i am here....writing about this stupid boy.

I NEED someone to love me at some point in my life so that I can feel some trickle of a belief that i am in any way lovable to even myself. (and trust me, I know how stupid that sounds).

I'm 33 and never married, no kids, lost 2 career jobs, btw.

p.s. are you by chance in the newspaper biz?

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 1/30/2010 10:47:14 PM (GMT-7)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/30/2010 10:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi again Unlovable,
 
To be honest, I wish that your name was loveable instead of unlovable, because you are worthy of love and I don't want you to think otherwise. 
 
I am sorry that you are so depressed, but I am glad that you have found us.  You have come to a good place where everybody here is so understanding and compassionate.
 
First of all, you need to get that self esteem up where you don't feel the need for a man.  In the needy sense I mean.  Though it sounds like you are really in love with this guy.  Second of all, there are people that just don't do what they say that they are going to do.  If he said he will see you and didn't show up, not only does that make him a liar, it also means that he doesn't respect you.  Now I don't think that you want to be treated with disrespect do you? 
Thirdly, if he is doing this, as I said before, he just isn't worth it.  So I would find things to do to keep myself occupied and in time, know that there will be somebody else in your life. 
 
I believe that we all have soul mates.  I know, childish, but I believe that there is somebody for everyone.  And it jsut takes the right circumstances and time for this to happen.  You are still very young.  And I am sure that the right guy is out there for you.
 
If you are stuck on this guy, I think that you should realilze that he doesn't always keep his word, and you will have to deal with that throughout your relationship.  If you can handle it, so be it.  But it would drive me nuts to have to deal with that. 
 
I hope taht you find that you can be loved and you need to love yourself.  Loving yourself is the first thing that you should do.  Then the rest falls into place. 
 
And no, I do not work for a newspaper.  Why do you ask?
 
PLease keep us posted on how you are doing.  I had to edit that last post because we are not allowed to talk about suicide on the forum.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


unlovable
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2010 4:08 AM (GMT -7)   
oh.... i was wondering. thanks. I was on another forum for years and only recently realized they had been deleting my entire posts....so i REALLY appreciate 1.) only deleting the specific no-no 2.)letting me know that it was edited and why. So thanks a ton for both.

yes, i do have strong feelings for him.

The problem is that I've really only had 1 serious/lasting relationship in my 33 year life. He was my 'first' in high school and then we got back together when i was in college and no longer being kept away from him by my father. We lived together for 4 years and were engaged, but he was a bum who refused to work so i had to support us while i finished my bachelor's degree and started my career. He also was a little abusive and turned out to not only have cheated on me, but my youngest cousin told me he molested her!!

So...i kicked him out for good about 6 years ago. I've only dated or been involved with 3 guys since:

1. was a late-stage alcholic and sex addict, with a girlfriend he kept going back to. --- this was when i learned i was codependent, what that meant and .....that led to my being diagnosed bipolar and learning of that.

2. A guy i met while in a VERY altered state during a total of 23 shock treatments I had in early 2008....i 'think' we were together for 2-3 weeks before he stole my car, debit card and drained my bank account (i soon discovered he was a crack addict who was on probation from prison). I was SOOOO out of it from the 3 shock treatments a week that when he called me from a pay phone in the middle of the night to ask me what my pin number was for my debit card...i actually told him!!!! yeah...i know.

3. This guy. This guy actually treats me with adoration when we are together...and that is such a precious and rare thing in my life that i can't help but want to hold onto that.

And i think it's only human that i would want to actually have someone i could call a boyfriend for the first time in over 1/2 a decade.

AND....b/c of the major depression and loosing my 2nd career job....i no longer have that part of my life to direct my attention to OR the help with my self-esteem that my career brought me. Really, my career was the only thing that gave me any true pride and self-esteem in my life.

Without having a guy who cares about me for SOOOO many long, difficult and lonely years......never having any kids......having lost my career nearly 2 years ago and still suffering from the SAME depressive episode that ended it......

well....my life doesn't feel worth very much at all. And definetly doesn't feel worth all the emotional pain and suffering just to stick around......so i can "wait" some more for something that has no guarentee.

------

thanks for being sooooo caring and listening......i haven't felt comfortable at my old depression site for about a year now and i REALLY have been needing someone to talk to who understands.

------
I asked about the newspaper because i knew a Karen who worked as an editor for one in my town and she dealt with fibroM and depression also .... i knew the chances were near impossible that you would be the same Karen, but I had to ask. lol

------
oh....and i wouldn't be being 'me' if my screen name was 'lovable' as it's been a life-long thing from childhood of not being wanted, loved, cherished or cared for. I could have chosen something like "Cinderella" as that perfectly fits my life......except for any and all of the happy ending stuff and finding love stuff. I've had fairy-tale thinking since around age 14. And since 30, it's become very clear to me that my life is definetly NO fairy-tale and I'm only harming myself more by thinking someday i will find it.

Just like with this current guy. Somehow i just have to make myself realize that even tho he is the best and sweetest guy who's come along in my life in as long as i can remember....he still doesn't love me and never will or else he wouldn't have let me get away the first time and definetly wouldn't be acting this flakey from the get-go of me giving him a 2nd chance.

So.....a near perfect guy for me....doesn't equal love or a happy ending.
And, if none of these 'good' OR bad guys want me or can love me.........then all efforts toward feeling like a normal person (who sometimes gets a boyfriend or who has at least been down the isle once) are pipe dreams.

false hopes......hurt.
I'm tired of hurting.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/31/2010 9:51 AM (GMT -7)   
Have patience my friend,
 
Know that this guy is unreliable.  If you want a relationship with him, that is what you are up against.  If you can handle him coming and going out of your life, then so be it.  But it sounds like you need somebody more dependable than that to verify your feelings. 
 
Getting strong for yourself is what you need to do.  You are the only person that you can depend on in this life.  You have to get reassured that you are a good person and are worthy of love.  Get confidence in yourself and learn to love yourself.  This guy is only going to pop in when he feels like it.  I know how you feel.  It would be easier if he just said, "no, I can't make it", but he leads you on and then disappoints you.  I guess if youn can live with that, everhthing will be okay.  But can you live with empty promisses? 
 
I would take it one day at a time.  Look into some counseling for self esteem.  It really does help.  You leanr to love yourself and be the person you are.  And love that too.  You are a wonderful person and you need to know that.  You deserve better, but some of us do settle.  If you can deal with that, then that is the way to go.  But for some reason, I feel you want more of a committment. 
 
I hope that this helps you some.  I am a firm believer of counseling.  So give that a try. 
 
There is a site that I will put down for you that might help.
 
 
Check it out and see if that helps you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


unlovable
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 1/31/2010 4:16 PM (GMT -7)   
i use to believe counseling helped, but after finding 2 really GREAT therapists and spending nearly 5 years in the chair as often as i could afford.....i honestly feel it did little, if anything, for my self esteem issues or helping me learn to love myself.

Actually, after working SO darn hard to try and 'fix' myself in such ways and not being successful in ANY of it, and only ending up worse after 5 years of working on myself and my illness......well....it has left me feeling and believing it is useless. CBT and all those other therapy options have done barely anything to help me feel better, be able to live with myself easier or help me be happier. It feels fruitless and worthless and i'm beyond tired of trying to 'fix' these things about myself.

i just want to be loved and not depressed.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 1/31/2010 5:01 PM (GMT -7)   
In order to feel you are being loved, you have to learn to love yourself first. Or else all is for nothing. Once you learn to love yourself, you will feel other's love for you. Keep trying. Keep going to counseling. If that doesn't work, maybe you will need some medication. Don't give up.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


unlovable
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/2/2010 11:41 PM (GMT -7)   
I've done the medication thing too...and even went as far as undergoing 23 shock treatments 2 years ago in an effort to save my second career job.

Nothing i do helps much or for very long...so why keep trying? Afterall, my illness is a progressive one and even the slightest breakthrough I could possibly make in therapy.....will always be over-shadowed by the constant deterioration of my mental health.

(I liken it to someone trying to mop up puddles in a parking lot during a rain storm. Sure.....they might get one puddle mopped up while standing over it with an umbrella, but it is insignificant and fruitless. Someone would be crazy to try mopping up puddles in a rain storm...and that's how my continuing to try to love myself and 'fix' myself feels - impossibly crazy.)

I understand the logic behind 'loving yourself first in order to be able to recieve love from others' but i've decided that i truely don't agree with the concept/theory. Now, i believe it can help. I believe that if i loved myself then i would be more secure, outgoing, willing to take risks and all that jazz, BUT i don't believe it's NECESSARY for a person to RECIEVE love.

Does a dog need to love itself in order to be loved, cherished, adored?
Does a baby?
What about a person in a coma or other vegitative like state?

ALL of them can be loved yet have no real capacity to love themselves first.
Does that make any sense?

ivy6
Elite Member


Date Joined Sep 2005
Total Posts : 10404
   Posted 2/3/2010 1:01 AM (GMT -7)   
Would you like to know what I think, lovable? (and yes, you are!).

I am wondering if perhaps you are defining happiness as achievements, rather than as an emotional state.
* a job is not happiness. A job will not make you happy, if you are depressed or naturally unhappy. What it *might* do is give some structure to your day, and provide you with some social stimulation and help improve some of your depression symptoms.
* a relationship will not make you happy. In fact, if you go into a relationship because you *need* to feel loved, there's a good chance you are either going to drive the fellow away, or end up in a damaging and upsetting relationship because you are so wanting to feel loved that you'll put up with behaviour that you wouldn't put up with, had your self-esteem been higher.
* children will not make you happy. In fact, the loss of sleep and demands of caring for very young children might even worsen your depression symptoms for a while.

Somehow, and yes, I do know that this is hard, a person needs to find a way of achieving a happy state in themselves, instead of seeking to find it from external factors. Yes, external things like jobs and relationships can help improve your mood, but they will not automatically make you happy: that has to come from within.

Have you ever read a book called "The Rules"? There's a lot in that boook that I don't agree with, but there are a few tips in there that you might find helpful, such as how to manage this sort of neglectful behaviour in a man. I won't tell you more, but you might like to borrow a copy of the book from your local library, and see what you think of it for yourself.

imho, a lot of these self-esteem, love etc-related ideas are cliches rather than rules that can guide your life. Perhaps it might help you to stop thinking of yourself as loveable or not loveable. You are YOURSELF, and YOU ARE IMPORTANT. Yes, you have a lifelong medical condition that is holding you back - most of us do here, and have some understanding of what you feel - but everyone is damaged in some way, and you also have attributes that should be celebrated.

I've noticed one or two already, and I rather suspect that other people do too :-).

Sometimes you need to get rid of a destructive relationship in your life to allow a new and better one to begin.

All the very best to you. Remember, a tree is still tall and strong and beautiful, even if it's in the middle of the forest and nobody ever notices. A forest would never be a forest were it not for all those individual and unnoticed trees... and one day, you never know, a gorgeous hiker may come along and picnic beneath your boughs :-) and appreciate you for just how lovely you are.

Ivy.
Co-Moderator Crohn's Forum.

Medications for Crohn's ~~ Diet and Nutritional Therapy for Crohn's ~~ Dealing with Abscesses and Fistulae ~~


unlovable
New Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 2/7/2010 12:21 AM (GMT -7)   
lol...i only have a moment as it's way past my bedtime, but ..
 
yes...i own copies of The Rules and The Rules II (which includes online dating and such). I have a VAST accumulation of self-help books (depression/bipolar disorder/electroconvulsive shock treatments/codependency (including books about my being drawn to alcoholics, etc)/and all sorts of other self-help relationship type books).
 
My favorite, of all, has been "A Brilliant Madness" by Patti Duke which i was fortunate to meet her one day thru my job and asked her to sign my copy...she was a little taken back by how much it was highlighted, with notes in the margins, dog-eared and stick-tabs holding pages i found helpful. - that is how i read ALL my self-help books....with COMPLETE attention and ability to absorb the information (which is also part of why i read slower than Christmas and am not fond of really THICK books, lol)
 
Anyway, you are right in some ways about my definition of 'happiness' being off so I'll come back and embrace the thoughts/ideas when i'm not so tired.
 
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 2/7/2010 10:10 AM (GMT -7)   
That is so awesome that you met Patty Duke, that must have been wonderful. And so exciting.

It sounds like you have read a lot of self help books as I have. That is so cool. They really help.

I hope that you are having a good day today. Free of depression and anxiety. We treasure these days.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


needhelp32
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 2/7/2010 1:32 PM (GMT -7)   
unlovable,

This is in response to your 1st post, why can't they just give you a heads up?
I wanted to give you some hope. I am 21 male, married to a women, and like you think that 90% of males are lazy and act like "boys". And I am going to explain a little why.

Many men see dating, engagement and even marriage, as a temporary pleasure. They use it and then leave it when they are done. Many men view women as an object put her by God for their amusement and pleasure to do with as they please.
That may sound harsh, but many guys will also have multiple girlfriends at the same time, and just pick whatever "feels good".

Real men are the ones who are not led by feelings, but by honor, duty and commitment. They admit mistakes, take responsibility for their actions, and treat a female as a queen, not the step to their throne. Men often times see commitment as work, because that is what it is. Chivalry is not dead and gone as society leads you to believe and as many men see it. They just do not want to put in the effort it takes to be chivalrous.

When you decide to date or be engaged, I would very much encourage you to test your man in his integrity, honest and code of conduct, if he fails dump him. You want a man who will stand up for you when trials come, believe me I have been there - my wife has bipolar II and I know the inside of a hospital by heart. Yet I stay committed to her till the day I die because that is what love is all about.

You are not unlovable, you just have not found a "real man" yet. Keep your chin up and don't settle for less than a real man. I hope this helps!
Oh and why didn't he text or call - he is lazy, irresponsible, and selfish.

- Stephen

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 2/7/2010 2:15 PM (GMT -7)   
Stehpen,

I just wanted to welcome you to the depression forum. I hope that you are having a good day.

Please continue to post as we have many wonderful members here.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


needhelp32
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 2/7/2010 3:45 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Karen
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