Looking for help in living with a depressed and obese wife

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mikebari
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Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 1/30/2010 5:53 PM (GMT -7)   
I love my wife and have been married to her for almost 11 years we have two children a boy 11 and a girl 8. We have been a couple for almost 24 years from teh first week of college through now our early forties. When we got married she gained about 80 pounds with the first child and the same with the second. She was about 120 pounds on average before pregnancy. Today she is about 220 pounds I an guessing as she refuses to ever discuss the issue. She also seemed to turn off completly after pregnancy, did not work, clean the house nothing. Non-sexual, non- feminine no care in apprearance etc.

I am sure I dealt with ot wrong and made the situation worse but am still feeling like a failure at this. It w as obvious to me she was depressed but like the weight - refuses to accept that and will not see a doctor or even talk about it. She really changed alot from who she was to who she is now and in te beginning I thought it was hormonal related to beast feeding.

IT has been 10 years and I have seen the situation just ebb and flow - she has these moments of clarity realizing she blames me for all her problems and I get hopeful and have learned to step back and let her deal but she just loses whatever moxie she had and relates back to this angry, sad, kind of hopeless person.

After so much time being blamed, working to help, getting lost, suggesting everything..I feel like giving up myself. Honestly, I think all of this is starting to bring me way down and I have to not go there as my job requires creativity and spirit and this is just the killer of all of that. So there is probelms in our relationship, I see my kids acting just like her and feel in danger myself.

How do you help someone who just wont even admit to a problem or want to discuss? If i being it up. well i am the jerk for that. If i dont it sits inside until i explode and say the wrong thing. I feel trapped and really could use some help

thanks to all repsonses

damagedgoods41
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 377
   Posted 1/30/2010 6:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello Mikebari,
Firstly i would like to say welcome to the best forum on the net!!! Secindly you need to get somekind of councelling regarding all of these issues that you have with ur partner.
From what you have said in ur post she either has some kind of depression wether it is post-natal or other?? iT seems that she too need's some extensive councelling and then maybe she will admit to having a problem and until she does she will not change,from what you have said. Im very sorry that ur going through all of this but if you keep posting here you will get the help that you so desperately need,not only for you but your wife and children also. Hope this help's.
 
sincerley,
 
beverley.......
Permanent ileostomy,radical hysterectomy & bi-lateral ophrectomy,bi-lateral mastectomy,atonic bladder.
DX chronic depression,bi-polarr11,panic disorder & o.c.d.!!!
Currently taking Avanza 30mg,Abilify 20mg,Seroquel 200mgs,Asprin,Valium 5mgs & Sandrena HRT gel 1.0mgs
Strive to be a success but rather to be of value!!!!!!!
 
Dont count the day's,make the day's count!!!!!!
 
No more revenge now;I will think upon revenge!!!!
  • I dont knowthe key to success,but the key to failure

    is trying to please everybody!!!!!!!!!!!

    Life becomes harder for us, when we live life for others!!!

    Without music, life would be a mistake!!!!!!!!!

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    getting by
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    Date Joined Sep 2007
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       Posted 1/30/2010 7:35 PM (GMT -7)   
    Hi Mikebary,
     
    I agree with Beverly, counseling would be the place to start.  With both of you.  She can learn to deal with her problems and you can learn to cope with the situation.  Yes, counseling would be a good place to start.  Then your relationship can improve. 
     
    I wish for you the best.  Keep posting.
     
    Hugs, Karen
      Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
     
    fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


    THE HAPPY TURTLE
    Elite Member


    Date Joined Mar 2009
    Total Posts : 18757
       Posted 1/31/2010 2:15 AM (GMT -7)   
    hi jamie here. i think also that maybe she also feels bad, esp with being a larger women, women are sensitive with weight issues, and maybe she feels less actractive, thus not being intimate. yes to the other posts regarding counselling, as the breakdown in communication is having a massive effect and affect on you both. with compassion, jamie, male, 37.
    YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
     
    DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
     
    REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


    mikebari
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    Date Joined Jan 2010
    Total Posts : 3
       Posted 1/31/2010 11:56 AM (GMT -7)   
    thank you so much for the caring replies..she absolutely refuses to go to any kind of counseling, private or marriage counseling
    i need to find a way

    getting by
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Sep 2007
    Total Posts : 40587
       Posted 1/31/2010 12:27 PM (GMT -7)   
    Are you going? Would you? I think that it would help tremendously. It would give you some direction as which path to take. If you aren't already, I think you should think about going. Coming here helps to. To vent or just to talk. I am glad that you have found this site.

    Hugs, Karen
      Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
     
    fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


    SnowyLynne
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    Date Joined Apr 2004
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       Posted 1/31/2010 12:35 PM (GMT -7)   
    Since she's not willing to help herself not much you can do.........
    SnowyLynne


    THE HAPPY TURTLE
    Elite Member


    Date Joined Mar 2009
    Total Posts : 18757
       Posted 1/31/2010 9:27 PM (GMT -7)   
    1. she however might draw strength if she sees you seeking assistance. with compassion, jamie

    YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
     
    DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
     
    REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


    MMMNAVY
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Jul 2006
    Total Posts : 6927
       Posted 1/31/2010 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
    I also agree with getting some help for yourself.
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    mikebari
    New Member


    Date Joined Jan 2010
    Total Posts : 3
       Posted 2/1/2010 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
    I think I will go this route and hope she sees that its ok to do this
    thanks again for the heartfelt concern and replies

    THE HAPPY TURTLE
    Elite Member


    Date Joined Mar 2009
    Total Posts : 18757
       Posted 2/2/2010 12:15 AM (GMT -7)   
    all the best, keep positive and focused. here for you, jamie.
    YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
     
    DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
     
    REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


    MT_Head
    New Member


    Date Joined Feb 2010
    Total Posts : 1
       Posted 2/9/2010 11:52 AM (GMT -7)   
    Hey there, I found this post while searching the internet for the EXACT same problem. My wife has been depressed on and off for the decade we've been together, however, since the birth of our daughter (her second child, my first) 6 years ago, she has been suffering from depression. I really believe it is post partum (sp?) but I am no doctor.
     
    I have, however, spent a lot of time in therapy because of my co-dependency issues, etc, and have gotten a lot of help.
     
    Like the OP, my wife is exactly the same way... she has put on around 70 - 80 lbs and she believes this to be the cause of her depression. I believe it is a symptom OF her depression. She refuses to get help, she gets angry when I approach her with my concerns and seems to not care if I am here or not.
     
    This is breaking my heart, I love her with all my heart and don't want to leave, but I am at my wits end and ready to walk out the door. She DID buy a couple books on depression, so in some way, I consider that a small victory, as she is at least acknowledging she has an issue.
     
    However, she doesn't read often and based on what I have seen, has ZERO self discipline to do things on her own when it comes to bettering herself, because first she must admit she was wrong, which she WILL NOT DO. I keep praying she will see how much she means to me. I pray that I won't have to be alone in my own house and I pray that when I bring this up, she doesn't look at me like she could spit in my face. I love my family but I hate being alone, even in a room with her in it.

    getting by
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Sep 2007
    Total Posts : 40587
       Posted 2/9/2010 12:17 PM (GMT -7)   
    First of all, welcome to the forum. There is one thing that I would like to address. There is no right or wrong going on right now. So don't think of your wife as wrong. She has depresssion, and only she can do something about it. You can't make her. It is up to her to get help, and I think that the books are a start.

    I am glad that you are going to counseling. And learning about co-dependance is wonderful. Keep up the good work, and continue what you are doing. Adress the problem of not liking to be alone. We all go through that at one point or another, but we have to learn to be happy with ourselves.

    I hope that you continue to post. If you would like to, start a thread of your own to introduce yourself to the rest of us. There is a wonderful group of members here and we would like to get to know you better.

    Best wishes,

    Hugs, Karen
      Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
     
    fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


    worriedgirl
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Apr 2009
    Total Posts : 1130
       Posted 2/12/2010 4:09 PM (GMT -7)   
    hi i am not depressed but i am what you would call heavy set some may say obese. im pretty happy with myself but maybe i can help. how have you approached her? if you are making emphasis on her weight then that is the wrong way to handle things. never put emphasis on a womans weight but maybe sit her down and tell her how much you love her(emphasize that as much as you can) and that you are worried about her. you are worried about her state of mind and her health. chances are she wants to talk about this with you but doesnt want to hear a lecture. tell her you know she is feeling depressed and you want to work on this together. Im thinking the weight has to do with the depression and if she has your suppport she may do something about it. tell her you want to help her do whatever she wants to do and that you want to help make her happy and what you can do to help her. after you talk to her let her be and dont discuss it again for a couple of days and give her time to think. it may not work but it may work.
    The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


    damagedgoods41
    Regular Member


    Date Joined Sep 2009
    Total Posts : 377
       Posted 2/12/2010 9:30 PM (GMT -7)   
    hello i would agree with worriedgirl 100%,as she has said sit and tell her about ur concern's but dont talk about the weight issues as this can bring a person to hit rockbottom emotionally and then they can eat more and gain even more weight!!!!!!!!
    Try to focus on the poisitive things about your wife and im sure there will be many instances in ur lives that you can both focus on toghter as a couple. hope this help's you some??????
    Sincerley,
     
    beverley.
    Permanent ileostomy,radical hysterectomy & bi-lateral ophrectomy,bi-lateral mastectomy,atonic bladder.
    DX chronic depression,bi-polarr11,panic disorder & o.c.d.!!!
    Currently taking Avanza 30mg,Abilify 20mg,Seroquel 200mgs,Asprin,Valium 5mgs & Sandrena HRT gel 1.0mgs
    Strive to be a success but rather to be of value!!!!!!!
     
    Dont count the day's,make the day's count!!!!!!
     
    No more revenge now;I will think upon revenge!!!!
  • I dont knowthe key to success,but the key to failure

    is trying to please everybody!!!!!!!!!!!

    Life becomes harder for us, when we live life for others!!!

    Without music, life would be a mistake!!!!!!!!!

    Im not young enough to know everything!!!!!!!!

     

     
     
     
     
     
     
     


    metaltiger
    New Member


    Date Joined Feb 2010
    Total Posts : 1
       Posted 2/24/2010 8:49 AM (GMT -7)   
    some times I really wonder if getting really big when you are in a relationship could even be a form of aggression. It's obvious that things get aggressive when the situation is brought up... that's why I wonder. I don't know if I have ever heard anyone think of obesity as a sortof aggresive act... to me sometimes it is almost like picking a fight with someone in a very indirect way, almost like a f. u. to the world or perhaps yourself or someone you are focused on. Isn't depression itself a form of repressed anger? I have heard that particular theory, but never about obesity... and I wonder. I'm not a doctor, or a shrink but I wonder sometimes.

    she seems to have already admitted she blames you, and people usually get angry with others when they blame them. This might be her way of saying I'm mad at you but you can't be mad at me. I also wonder if sometimes people who get obese kindof don't want to look at themselves psychologically, and that manifests in actually not wanting to look at themselves. I don't think that most obese people want t look at themselves... do they? I am really asking that as a question because I don't like to assume things. If she doesn't want to look at herself... she actually does something so she doesn't have to look at herself... or won't look at herself. Just a thought. And I could be 100% wrong.
    I hope things get better for you.

    getting by
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Sep 2007
    Total Posts : 40587
       Posted 2/24/2010 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
    Hi Metaltiger,

    Welcome to HealingWell.

    I dont' think that obese people are doing it on purpose. Nobody choses to be obese. It just happens. If they are mad at anybody, I would say it is themselves.

    Some obese people can't help it, it is in the genes. Their parents were obese and it just happens. I imagine that some of them are angry with the world, but not their mate.

    Some eat for comfort and it just builds up. Food is often a comfort measure when you are depressed, it just ends up making you gain wieght. Some eat from boredom. Which is an emotional situation. So NO I do not think she is angry at her husband.

    Please feel free to start an introductory thread. We would like to get to know you better. We are here for you if you have depression issues. Are you depressed? Or did you jsut want to comment on a thread that interested you?

    This forum is for support for depressed people. If you are depressed, please continue to post.

    Hugs, Karen
      Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
     
    fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


    WhiteStone
    Regular Member


    Date Joined Feb 2010
    Total Posts : 63
       Posted 2/26/2010 10:28 AM (GMT -7)   
    Hi and so sorry you are going through this...I was quite obese...I used the fat to protect me from the world, to reduce the stress of intimacy and to continue feeling ashamed of myself (was a much easier shame than the ones I could not deal with)...I have lost 151 pounds (I was a real big woman) and now can handle the vunerability and feelings of self worth much better...it took a while, and good therapy to work this out, but today I eat when I am hungry, not when I am fearful or ashamed...a nurse specializing in nutrition and massage therapy helped a lot as well...good luck to you and your wife...she is fortunate to have someone who cares as you do...big hugs, J
    It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell. (Buddha)
     
    Kindness in words creates confidence.
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    worriedgirl
    Veteran Member


    Date Joined Apr 2009
    Total Posts : 1130
       Posted 2/26/2010 11:41 AM (GMT -7)   
    im sorry i am not fat because i dont want to look at myself i am fat because of a birth control shot and now i cant lose the weight that and i like soday. so starting this monday im going off pop and eating less. it is not a form of aggression it just happens. we dont wake up one day and say hey i want to be fat. i look at myself in the mirror everyday and i dont see a fat girl i see a beautiful girl who is happy with herself but could lose some weight. there is nothing wrong with obese or fat people it is the beauty on the inside that matters not the outside.
    metaltiger said...
    some times I really wonder if getting really big when you are in a relationship could even be a form of aggression. It's obvious that things get aggressive when the situation is brought up... that's why I wonder. I don't know if I have ever heard anyone think of obesity as a sortof aggresive act... to me sometimes it is almost like picking a fight with someone in a very indirect way, almost like a f. u. to the world or perhaps yourself or someone you are focused on. Isn't depression itself a form of repressed anger? I have heard that particular theory, but never about obesity... and I wonder. I'm not a doctor, or a shrink but I wonder sometimes.

    she seems to have already admitted she blames you, and people usually get angry with others when they blame them. This might be her way of saying I'm mad at you but you can't be mad at me. I also wonder if sometimes people who get obese kindof don't want to look at themselves psychologically, and that manifests in actually not wanting to look at themselves. I don't think that most obese people want t look at themselves... do they? I am really asking that as a question because I don't like to assume things. If she doesn't want to look at herself... she actually does something so she doesn't have to look at herself... or won't look at herself. Just a thought. And I could be 100% wrong.
    I hope things get better for you.

    The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


    Fatherlove
    New Member


    Date Joined Jan 2010
    Total Posts : 7
       Posted 2/26/2010 12:39 PM (GMT -7)   
    I am no expert, but I agree with those above, counseling will only help both of your situations.

    getting by
    Forum Moderator


    Date Joined Sep 2007
    Total Posts : 40587
       Posted 2/26/2010 1:44 PM (GMT -7)   
    Hi Metaltiger,

    I do not think that obesity or depression is a form of agressive. Though both could become agressive if they are thaty type of person. I don't really think it is fair to categorize either one. I think most depressed people are sad rather than angry.

    Karen
      Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
     
    fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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