Loss of spouse depression

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LostMySoulmate
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/2/2010 10:30 PM (GMT -7)   
My wife of over 30 years passed away on christmas eve, 12/24/2009. She had been in the hospital for dialysis surgery, made it through that fine, and was in the process of being discharged when she was found on the floor of her hospital room. I was on the phone with the nurse at the time she found her. The doctor said it was cardiac arrest, and that she had passed quickly.
 
Besides the obvious difficulties of dealing with this loss, the timing really made it harder, as the christmas holiday and immediate weekend complicated complying with the hospital policy of having her body out of their morgue within the 3 day limit. Somehow I managed to muddle through all of that, though I certainly do not remember most of it. I was in shock, and denial.
 
We had lost our daughter on 8/6/2008, and were still greiving her loss. Several months ago I was told that I have a serious terminal cancer, and we were both expecting me to pass first. She expressed concern that she would have nobody to care for her, as she had been bedridden and confined to a wheelchair for the past few years. I guess it was best that the good lord chose to take her first, but I just cannot imagine living without her. We had met and married while we were teens. We were best friends and soulmates.
 
After she passed, I stopped all attempts of treating my cancer, as I felt that the sooner that I join her, the better. I cancelled all of my doctor appointments. I just could not stand to be in this large house alone, so on 12/30/2009 I picked up her ashes and I continued on down to FL to visit with friends. Any time I was driving, I was alternating between having panic attacks, or bouts of crying. My stress level was so high that I had a pretty bad heart attack within the first week of being in FL, and a couple of minor heart attacks over the next couple of weeks. I stayed gone for nearly a month, but I had to return home to pick up my held mail and deal with all of the legal stuff now that the death certificates arrived.
 
Everyone tells me that it will get better with time. I was unable to bring myself to the point of going through and getting rid of our daughters things, so I doubt I will be able to do any better with wifeys things. We have no family close by, so I am on my own here. Basically though, I spend most of my time in bed with the TV on for background noise, until I finally fall asleep from exhaustion. I just don't feel like doing anything else. I still feel uneasy being in this empty house without her. I know it's only been a little over a month, but I don't seem to be dealing with this any better. How long does it usually take before life seems worth living again?
 
Bob
 

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 2/3/2010 12:54 AM (GMT -7)   
dear bob, so sorry over your losses, you have my sincere condolences. grief is a difficult thing, and a very personaql thing as well, i lost my partner awhile back and i know what you are going thruogh. time does help you heal, and heal you will. however you do need to grieve. there is no right or wrong way. getting some help can help with this process. maybe a chat with your doc will help with some compassionate referals to appropriate people and services. bob, you have been brave in posting, when you are ready continue being brave and seek some assistance. in the meantime we all at hw are here for you. i send you compassionate healings. take care. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 2/3/2010 7:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Dear Bob,

I am so sorry for your losses. This is huge. I am happy that you are doing as well as you are. And happy that you joined us. As Jamie said, we are here for you.

Have you thought about grief counseling? I think that would be the route to go. Either that or regular counseling would help.

As Jamie said, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is all very personal and try to take it with stride. If it takes a long time, so be it. That is what is normal for you. Though I know you would probably lilke to be able to move on. That will come in time.

But please get some help with this. Get into counseling as soon as you can. So that way you will feel comfortable with what you are going through.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. And know that we are all here for you.

I hope that you have a good day. I know that this is hard, so be easy on yourself. Embrace the memories.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


LostMySoulmate
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/3/2010 10:55 AM (GMT -7)   
I called and spoke with my doctor about this yesterday afternoon. He said that there are no support groups like that around here that he is aware of. In fact, it was he that recommended that I do the google search that led me to this site. Sorry this post is so long, but I don't know who else to turn to for advice.

I live in the backwoods of southwestern NC, in the middle of nowhere. Friends and neighbors here are few and far between, as the region is sparsely populated. There is not even cellphone service here. That was one reason we had chosen to move here, to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Probably the biggest drawback is dialup internet is the best we can hope for. Those neighbors that do have satellite internet are not happy with it, as they say it is as slow or slower than dialup for doing anything other than just downloading files.

I am faced with some hard decisions, and just don't know the right ones to make. We were going to just build a cabin here, but wifey wanted to get a manufactured home in order to get moved onto our property faster. She had the hope that we could build our cabin later, and rent out the manufactured home. I refused to put our paid for property up as collatoral on the mortgage, so the interest rate was high, 11%. Due to failing health issues, the cabin was never built, but I did have a fully insulated and climate controlled metal building built out back several years ago that is fully paid for.

We have been paying on this 30 yr mortgage for over 10 years, and even made principle payments, but the payoff is still way more than the manufactured home is worth. The mortgage is in wifeys name only, and they still refuse to deal with me when I call. I told them she is deceased, and they said that her estate is now responsible to make the payments. Where we live, there is no estate when there is a surviving spouse. Everything that was in her name or jointly owned is now in my name only, as I have already done everything required at the courthouse to do this. Except for the manufactured home and the mortgate for it...

I am now faced with the decision to either force the mortgage company to repo the home, or to try to get them to deal with me. Please understand, wifey knew that I was against the purchase of this manufactured home from the beginning, but I supported her decision 100%, and helped her in every way to make it a reality. As she became disabled, she grew to dislike this home as well, as it was not built to proper handicap standards, and getting her in and out of the home for her many doctor appointments per week was difficult. I had to carry her up and down the stairs nearly every weekday. A month before she passed, she actually apologized to me for insisting that we get this home. I assured her that it was likely the best decision at the time, and that I did not blame her one bit for asking for it.

I now hate living in this 3 bedroom 2 bath home by myself. I can set up a bed in my metal building, and be quite content living in there. I have enough storage buildings on on my property to put everything from the home into. I know I'm not supposed to make any major decisions during this grieving period, but I do not think the mortgage company is going to wait for long. I had words with them a few weeks after wifey had passed. I had to transfer ownership of the homeowners insurance policy into my name, and they were not too happy with the change. I have been making the payments for everything for all of these years, and it was apparently never an issue, until now.

Bob

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40598
   Posted 2/3/2010 11:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Bob,

You will get through this, one day at a time. I lost my first husband in 2000 due to lung cancer. I thought that my life was over, but here I am ten years later. Remarried to a wonderful man. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would remarry again. So just keep an open mind.

I hope things with the mortgage company work out for you. You are trying really hard to get things done. I admire you for that.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you. We support you.

Best wishes for a better day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Lucious
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2010
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 2/3/2010 12:10 PM (GMT -7)   
My heart and prayers go out to you. It appears u need serious counseling. Sometimes the burdens of life is too much for one to bear. I lost my mother, father and son. Most of the feeback is right, the pain will deminish in time but never go away.
when my mother died, it was like I got a painful wound that would never heal...it took several years for that pain to deminish. I seeked spiritual strength, friend and family support was super. Thats what u need right now. Surrond yourself with positive people. I found healing well about the best out there. I have prostrate cancer and this site has helped me a lot. I will be in the chat area tonight around 8pm if u just want to talk in the room depression or prostrate cancer...just look up lucious...take care and god bless

LostMySoulmate
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 2/10/2010 6:11 PM (GMT -7)   
These valentines day commercials really are painful reminders!

SmurfyShadow
Veteran Member


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 2386
   Posted 2/10/2010 9:21 PM (GMT -7)   
Bob,

You have my sincerest condolences. I know how hard it is to lose a loved one. I lost two family members (My brothers) on the same day in the Iraq war. It is nearly 3 years, and I still cry. But the pain eases, to wear it is bearable. I went into denial for over a year. They were my best friends too. My doctor two weeks after their deaths did the unmistakable thing, brought up the war. I flipped out, cussed him out went in shock, shut down and cried nonstop and quit talking. He knew something was wrong but I went unresponsive. He put me on depression meds and put me in counceling not knowing what is going on. A year later, I said my apologizes to him and told him about my brothers. He told me he would of handled it differently if he knew. However, the counceling really helped. I am at the point where I can talk about it. But honey you need to grieve, you got to let it out. Don't bottle it all up like I did, and be upset for things you should of said. I was mad at both of them and wasnt on talking terms with either. Now its too late for me to turn back time and tell them I'm sorry and start talking to them. Keep talking to us, it will help a little bit.
 
Smurfy Shadow/Desirèe 
DX: Wegener's Disease, Migraines, Diabetese Type II, PCOS, Lactose Intolerant, Benign Heart Murmer, Depression, Asthma, Asperger's Syndrome, Necrotizing Gramultous Inflamation in eye, A.D.D., Acid Reflux, Tumor Behind the Eye, Carpal Tunnel, Fibromyolgia, Clasterphobic, Arthritis
Medications:  Tri Nessa, Percocet, Metformin, Prilosec, Protonix, Zantac, Advair, Cingulair, Albuterol, Calcium + Vitamin D, Pro-Air, Pepcid, Rolaids, Zofran, Compuzeen, Refresh Plus Eye Drops  PRN: Epi-Pen, Albuterol Nebulizer, Benedryl
Undergoing Radiation Taking Lorazepam (Ativan) on Radiation Days


arneeb
Veteran Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 2350
   Posted 2/11/2010 4:28 AM (GMT -7)   
so sorry for your loss... trust your own instincts... sounds like you had made these decisions before she passed....  my siginificant other is slowly dying.... was given 6 months a month ago.. but who  knows it could be shorter or longer... but it's a horrible process..... glad that you have the internet.... you will heal ... a little at  a time... take care... Sandi

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 2/11/2010 5:24 AM (GMT -7)   
compassionate prayers and luv. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


LostMySoulmate
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 4/30/2010 1:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you all for your kind words, I am still around. I still cry daily but I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of it. Until something comes along to refresh the pain that is... Another darned painful reminder holiday. Makes me hate to even turn on the TV.
 
Bob


Daughter passed away 08/06/2008, heart failure
Wife passed away 12/24/2009, cardiac arrest
DX: desmoplastic malignant melanoma
RX: homeopathic supplements

Post Edited (LostMySoulmate) : 4/30/2010 2:42:14 AM (GMT-6)


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 4/30/2010 1:59 AM (GMT -7)   
keeping busy does help deviate your mind. whatever works for you. always around bob. with kindness, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


Resh
New Member


Date Joined Apr 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 5/3/2010 8:09 AM (GMT -7)   
sorry. i do feel your pain. hug.

LostMySoulmate
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 5/3/2010 5:46 PM (GMT -7)   
Yes it does Jamiee, I get to try to forget, at least for a litte while. Until the car alarm goes off for no reason, again. Then I remember that I left her ashes in the car, again. She reminds me ;-)

Thank you Resh. Hugs back... you certainly need some at this difficult time in your life.

Bob
Daughter passed away 08/06/2008, heart failure
Wife passed away 12/24/2009, cardiac arrest
DX: desmoplastic malignant melanoma
RX: homeopathic supplements


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18772
   Posted 5/4/2010 2:32 AM (GMT -7)   
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS ALL ROUND))))))))))))))))))))))))))
 
JAMIE.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


blueboy83
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 46
   Posted 5/4/2010 10:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Bob my heart hurts for you, and I hope you can see a light at the end of your tunnel. I KNOW you will be with your wife and daughter again. Some people die alone without a love as great as you and your wife share. Pray to God to lessen the pain until it is your time, but know that two special people await you. I can only hope my wife and I can be together as long as you two were.
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