So i am new to this not usually the type to post my thoughts online or even talk to anyone about them but everything goin on lately has jus been eatin me alive to the point of not knowing how to deal with it.
Okay so Im an 18 year old college student and normally im free going and always having a good time no matter whats goin on. But for the past 4-5 months things in my opinion have been rough. Its definately stuff ive never had to deal with. I was in a healthy relationship for quite a while and she went to an out of town college while i stayed home. First girl I have honestly ever been in love with. I know im young but she was always my best friend through out high school and i have always had feelings for her but didnt tell her til senior year and we started dating. I still love her to this day and weve been kinda off and on all through this time which i know doesnt help and is hard on her. Just scared to let her go bc not only while we were dating were we close emotionally but we grew so much closer as friends and i cant lose that.
Secondly about mid to late september i developed insomnia where i went about a week on two hours of sleep. I didnt know what was going on. It started when my girlfriend and I first broke up so that was on my mind and School jus starting was beginning to think it was early stages of depression becasue i would never leave my room. Id turn down going out with my friends on the weekends and i never used to do that. Parents forced me to go to the drs where they found out my liver enzymes were extremely high. High enough for drs to be concerned about liver failure. Jus piled on to the stress and i had to go in for CT scans and blood tests and different studies. When all the tests came back my liver was back to normal but they found that both of my kidneys were enlarged and had a upj obstruction. Its where they fail to drain or they drain very little. I was forced to have 3 surgeries one for the observation to see what they needed to do one for the left side and one for the right. I have had the first two already last one on December 21st next one on March 5th.
Finally I am dealing with the passing of my grandmother after a battle with lung and kidney cancer. Now my parents have been divorced since before i was born and i live with my mother. So being able to see the other half of my family has always been hard and is now even harder now with college and work and when id play sports. Safe to say i have grown apart from my dads side of the family but it was partially my fault for not making much of an effort and i understand that. I love them very much but i jus never showed it and was always too stuck up and on my own high horse to spend time with them when i had the opportunity. My last memory of my grandmother was going down New Years day with the same girl as above (first time meeting my dads side of the family) and seeing her on her death bed and really not being able to say anything. 3 days later i get a phone call saying shes gone. And the last thing she said to me besides i love you was that she misses me and wishes i could come visit more. and ever since that phone call ive had this guilt inside me building up. And the girl i was with had never met my fathers side of the family no one has before her. I was always scared to let anyone meet them because theres things my dads done that im not proud of or could forgive him for and i didnt want anyone to see him and see those same things in me. But this girl was so different from any i have ever dated. Yes its still the one i am in love with from above. Still being young me and her always knew we'd love eachother and would someday have a future so she wanted to meet him and my family. We went down there new years day and the first time she met my grand mother was the last time wed both see her. Its safe to say i have since then felt the guilt from not being a part of that family and it jus continues to grow.
The girl and I were back to dating until she went back to school where she once again decided she couldnt handle it. Which is understandable because it was tough on both of us but shes the one who came to me and said she needed me even if i wasnt there to be with her. And being vulnerable about my grandma and her meeting my family after she knew how hard that was for me feeling betrayed. I tell myself were young and we cant make promises like that but for me i didnt feel like i was young when i was with her and she said she never did either. so betrayed seemed right at the time.
I jus dont know how to handle any of this anymore. Im usally a steel trap when it comes to my feelings but theres so many that i have resorted to many bad habbits. I am the son of an alcoholic father and have always been a casual drinker but lately have been getting worse. Been charged with a MIP but continue to drink. I try and work out everyday to relieve stress but it takes a toll on your body and tend to get chest pains bad enough where i take hydrocodine to help relieve the pain. Also take them when im so upset to the point of taking them and drinking myself to sleep. Im not proud of the person ive become and no one knows how i am when im alone because i put up a front when im around them because i dont wnt to talk about it. I just need advice before i do any more serious harm to my body or even my mind to wehre im not here anymore