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delusionale
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/15/2010 1:03 AM (GMT -7)   
#1: i have had no trouble spending money i don't have, up to a point where i am pretty much waist deep in debt. That makes me unhappy as it is, but i managed to control the emotions, shutting it off, but still remain the same as always, spending, spending spending spending. I spend because i hate my job, spending makes me momentarily happy. I see something i want, i get it, but when i have it, i don't see the point to buying it in the first place, and it almost always ends up being neglected. Unless it's a mobile phone. This is a common problem.

#2: I have a relatively good paying job, i procrastinate a lot at work due to me not liking it. Why? because the company has no system, and people are being cheated to buy a product and we as the sales people, have to make up lies of our own to sell the product. Why? our boss couldn't give a rats ass as to how the product is being sold as long as it's being sold. It's the nature of business. There's a massive load of favoritism going on in this company. (which company doesn't these days?) I am desperately looking for a job i can feel comfortable with but with the salary i earn, no one wants to pay me that much. So I'm looking n vein, or not looking hard enough. I don't know.

#3: I'm gay...to be more specific, I'm a ***. I reside in a relatively Muslim dominated country. Being gay in a Muslim country is like social suicide. Which is partly why it's hard for me to get a job. I'm being judged by my choice of life? im a butch or **** or whatever it is people are calling it.

#4: related to #1, stuff i buy, things i do, i always end up loosing interest. I have a guitar i don't play, i have art stuff and a canvas sitting in the storage half done as an example. Does this mean im useless? does this mean i will eventually lose interest in my partner as well? so far i haven't been in a relationship for more than 3 years. I don't end it most of the time. I get dumped....is there a psychological theory behind this half baked character i have?

Right now, i cant think straight. I don't know what's really wrong with me but i am on a shutdown mode. I even find it difficult to remember what i ate this morning.....I have the tendencies of writing in clusters, i write one thing, and that leads to another topic that leads to another topic because i'm trying too hard to write everything down before i forget but i end up not getting the point clearly out....or in a puzzle form.

The trigger to this new found feelings or incapability to control emotions and constant negativity started when i got back in contact with this girl i seemed to not get out of my mind since the day i saw her when i was 14. I am now 29 going on 30. We lost contact due to complications rising from mixed emotions, sheer teen stupidity and of course, matters of the heart in short. We had a fling, i amost jumped off the first floor, or maybe it was just teen drama at the time, when she left me before the relationship really started when i was maybe 16 or 17...we started out as friends, same neighbourhood etc. And also due to the fact that we were distantly related. How i was dismayed when i found out we were related. But that never stopped the strong emotions i had for her. If you must know, we are 2nd cousins. Her grandmother and my grandfather were siblings. What does it matter anyway, not like we can have kids....

Speeding things up a lil, she got married, had a very disturbing marriage which caused her to be beatened and tortured. She filed for divorce, she has a 5 year old son from that marriage. Her ex keeps the boy stored in his parents' place for safekeeping, he is currently engaged, barely a year after she filed for divorce, and he chose her birthday to get engaged to the other girl. Typical! Before her marriage to him, i was still in contact with her, but much less than before. I love her still but i kept my distance. call it angst or from the hurt if you will. I was hurt she told me she got married to him. So i stopped contacting her permanently. This was in 2002-2003 if i wasnt mistaken.

I never stopped thinking about her, i wanted to contact her, but i deleted her contact details. And i recently found her on facebook. I look for her from time to time online, and i found her. She told me about her divorce and i was secretly happy. Who wouldnt, i knew the ****** personally and he was a piece of work! absolutely everyone in her circle of friends and family disliked him. All except her.

Anyway, i feel i need to tell you, the readers all these facts in order for you to better understand the situation so someone could help me with my situation. She wanted to come here to the city to work and asked if she could bunk with me. Me being the selfless one, and of course of the fact that i still couldn't shake off the feelings i have had for her all this while, offered her a place to stay. I did a lot of things that made me even more deep in financial crisis because i only thought of her. I had to kick my current tenant out, and i had to pay her her room deposit so that she could move in sooner, she hs this way of thinking, what she wants, she gets. So she got what she wanted, the room for herself before it could be ready.

I made that happen for her. She fell ill as well, and i paid for her medical bills willingly. Deeper and deeper in debt i became. Here's where things really start to fire up....i introduced her to my best friend. All my friends know about her, how i was in love with her, including this said best friend. She likes men, so i didnt think of myself and i thought of my best friend, the sad fact that since the day i knew him, he had been single, and this girl i have been in love with for so long, who is newly single and available as well. I THOUGHT they would fit right, Partially because i know him well enough to know he will never hurt her. And she will be well taken care of. WRONG!

It didn't work out, not only that, we (me and her) ended up pouring out about each others feelings, i opened up to her about how i never really forgot about her and that i still am in love with her. And that made her realize how i could be with her instead of my best friend. Slight hint of manipulation there. She's good at that.Like i said, what she wants, she gets. We ended up having an affair, i was at the time courting someone i met online as well. Yes...again, complicated. I was pursuing someone else at the same time still cant get rid of her from my heart. She's just etched into my soul i guess.

We had an affair, she was still with my best friend and she wanted him to leave her....selfish she is yes. I was torn, i knew i was gonna lose my best friend. I know i was also torn between two. The one i was courting was a beautiful person, not by looks but her soul emitted a very calm and caring character that i was drawn to....but i loved this olf flame for much too long to let it slide as well. I had to decide. So i decided to pursue the old flame. I ended loosing two of my best friends, my only friends. I've known them for 10 years. All for the old flame. One because he was betrayed by me, and another who didnt like what i did to him. We were like the three musketeers/stooges all in one.

I am currently with the old flame, and it was a beautiful but very turbulent few months. But the honeymoon is over. We are at the stage of being defensive and in denial? i don't know, but it's very shaky and i have this VERY bad tendency of keeping things inside. I cry to myself so sleep at times. I am in so much pain. I fear i am losing her....intimacy is almost dead. she doesn't show much affections.

She has a very strong character, i know she means well when she argues with me about my character, but she doesn't know that she belittles me with her words. It's piercing me and it hurts. she was the one that highlighted the fact that i do things halfway. I have so many business ideas, i don't stick to one. One moment i say i wanna do this, another i wanna do that. I ended up calling up befrienders and crying like a baby instead of talking to her, because im afraid that we will fight again. We are both VERY sensitive. Which makes it difficult to communicate.

She's into this Chinese horoscope thing, that she believes after reading it that monkeys and horses (Chinese astrology) can never blend well with each other. Her ex husband being a monkey as well as i. She of course being the horse...so things are pretty rough. And at one point, we were intoxicated and she really wanted to talk about my silence, i told her it wasn't the right time, told me that i didn't know how to be in a relationship. That i was a child. so much more in between that happened in between all this. But this is just a gist of whats going on. I guess I'm sad i have no friends to confide to, and that I'm afraid of opening up to her because she always have a whole bunch of things to say in defense and that in other words, there's something wrong with me in this relationship. I'm letting go but at the same time, i love her so much, i don't know what to do.

financially unstable, lost in love, unhappy at work, unhappy about where i am today and don't know what to do anymore. Not very suicidal but the thought of death or dying is constantly there. I lost some weight as well. i am just feeling very very low about myself. I did so much for her i just feel im being depreciated and taken for granted.....im just so useless in life....

THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18757
   Posted 2/15/2010 5:49 AM (GMT -7)   
hi jamie here, a lot going on.
 
what is it you want? and need? time to think about it i feel. i feel you have a lot to offer, but i think you need some time for yourself to think. love can be tough, regardless of gender. i sense some conflicting elements. so i say this, be you, be true and love you. maybe rengaging back into some pleasuring hobbies will help you with your current situation? i wish you well and hope that things get better soon. sorry i don't have the answer, my compassion to you. life is a journey, we are all on different paths, we all in theory want something, what is it for you? you do know the answer, and it will come. jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


delusionale
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/17/2010 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   
When a person asks you what do you want, and i answer "to be happy". Would you see nagativity in that? Like, anyone could be happy, what do you want as in specific. Truth is, i dont always know what i want. Maybe you could say i have no character. If i were to really see what it is that i desire in life, that's to get out of the country, travel and work and experience new things. But then again, that could be because im unhappy here. What if i was truly happy, would i still want that? Well, seein as im gay and in a country that is not pro gay. I would still want to get out of this country with my partner where we could be legally identified as a couple and get married. I'd still be able to get what i want. That's very specific and that's regarding life goals or whatever they call it. On other terms, i want to be in a stable, no drama relationship, with an understanding and patient partner, who shows affections and cares for me. Someone who would notice all the little things about me and not just the bad things. Well i am in a relationship where none of that exists currently. Could you blame me for being so down. After all, i have loved this person since the day i laid eyes on her.

Yes, understanding the fact that we did not see each other for some time, we both changed. Me apparently drastically. I was called an arrogant ****** as well. I am arrogant at times. Too friendly the other. And the fact that i dont have friends. REAL friends. not onces that run away from you or pretend you dont exist when ur having a tough time. When ur up there and all mighty everyone seems to give you that extra bit of attention. But when the going gets tough, the so called friends just ups and leaves without a trace. A huge world with billions and billions of people but yet, i feel like im the only one here.

I just did something stupid after reading your reply Jamiee. And forgive me if the way im saying it seems like im blaming you but to be clear, i am not, i am responsible for my own actions. I know that very well. I saw the girl that i was pursuing online in my chat. But i was honestly unsure initially if it was her or not, until something she said made me realize it was her. I tend to add contacts on my chat and then forget about them as i hardly use the chat application, or rather, i hardly have anyone to chat with.

I apologized to her as i felt guilty with how things turned up with us. We chatted the whole day about random things. And i did not have any intentions of flirting or making the conversation uncomfortable at all. it was as if we chatted like nothing went on with us as we started before. It made me very happy that she agreed to allow me to be her friend. But today, i crossed the line by texting her. And she basically told me off and asked point blank about if i would like it if my gf was talking to someone she used to fancy. And that was the end of that.

I knew that instant that i have lost her for good. And it hurts. Why? because i remember how easy it was to be around her in comparison to my current relationship. No drama there, and i saw that she noticed all the little things about me, even remembers my mothers birthday when i only knew her for a few months. You'd know when someone strikes you as someone who may be good for you. How they carry themselves, how it shows that they care for you, love you even. And im deprived of that now. All i have for this current relationship is fear, when will it end? when will we have that final blow that will end one of us up in saying its over!

Cause in all honesty, i am afraid to talk to her. I tried looking into websites talking about relationships, depression etc. And basically one website hit the spot about how the love ship may be sinking. The stages of being in a relationship. Honeymoon is over, u start picking at every small thing, trying to fine tune your partner. How we all carry "baggage" from pur past encounters and relationships into our new relationship and how we subconciously act defensive to not be hurt etc. I wrote a long letter to explain about this, but even in a letter im not too sure i wanna let her read it. I could very well be a coward. Because i dont speak out. When im questioned about something i feel uncomfortable talking about i just freeze lets call it "ball in throat syndrome". When at times im supposed to defend myself i shut up and the answers fail me in my head, only to appear hours or days later when the fear subsides.

after the brief episode of bein in contact with the ex flame, i am pretty much feeling even more depressed......the same spot where i just want to crawl into a hole and die. Not that anyone would even know that im gone. Who would truly care besides my own mother. Yes, deep inside i know thats not true, but i cant seem to crawl out of that hole, not at the rate my conscience is going. It's like a raging war in my head and i find it hard to think, it is getting too loud and too painful to even hear myself in my head. My headphones were damaged so i cant even do the one thing i know that would kill the voices. Music.

Post Edited (delusionale) : 2/17/2010 5:06:14 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 2/17/2010 9:27 AM (GMT -7)   
Delusionale,

Are you seeing anybody to talk to like a psychologist or a therapist? It sounds like you have a lot going on and I think that you could use the extra support and help with sorting things out.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


delusionale
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/17/2010 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   
No i'm not seeing anyone for this. I had a talk with my partner and she thinks it's all in my head, this so called depression, and i put myself where i wanna be and to just get out of it, it's not a problem unless u think it's a problem. She played my psychiatrist and told me that i was just being over dramatic indirectly. I did not tell her about the contact with the ex flame though. I was stupid...and i know even if we didn't end up being an item, i could still be her friend, maybe somewhere in time we will meet again. Who knows. But for how, i approached my current relationship about:

#1: Lack of intimacy - conclusion i don't know when to make a move and it's me who needs to approach. There were times she'd push me away, but she denies it and says maybe she was tired. But shes saying i can approach her anytime as she is mine and i just need to make my move so to speak....*shakes head*

#2: Her insensitivity as she is so direct and her words hurt - conclusion she ain't changin' for no one, she will get the word across however she wants to and she wont change for nobody. I commented that it might push me away, she said, she is with me not because of me but because she wants to. she can just walk away anytime she wants and nothings gonna stop her, she doesn't need me, shes just there because she wants to be, and if i don't want to be with her, i can go etc.

#3: Her negativity - conclusion, she reversed the table, and said "hello! im negative? look at you desperate to fix things, going online and reading all this ship is sinking about honeymoon is over and all that crap. Why are you looking for an issue when it can be easily resolved by TALKING. If you feel you need to talk then by all means talk, why did you chose silence. By telling me all this don't you feel better? If you have to hurt me with your words then by all means do it etc."

General conclusion: im being a dumbass for even thinkin of all this and i should just be myself and i replied this IS me and i was asked to just relax and take it easy. Which is something i will try to do. But if it still bothers me, im just gonna pack up and leave. It's not that i dont love her, god knows i do, but i'm just a human being, capable of mistakes, we all have flaws. And i'm going in wrong directions. All these unanswered questions we all have for this life.....nobody knows.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 2/17/2010 10:16 PM (GMT -7)   
First of all, try to relax and regroup.  Take life one day at a time and always stop to smell the roses.  Go for walks, look, listen and smell all the things around you.  Even the dog crap. lol...  It wont always be good, but it will be real.  What I mean is to stay in the moment.  Try not to think about what might happen in the future, or what happened in the past.  Just what is going on in that moment.  Life is so much easier when you take things one step at a time.
 
I am going to turn you on to a poem that I live by.  It is called Desiderata.  It is at http://www.freewebs.com/crys/   I really think it will give you some insight as to how I live my life and it works. 
 
Your partner has stessed to you that she can leave at anytime, are you worried about that?  I think that she is just saying that either of you could do so.  So there must not be any strings attached.  Am I reading this right?
 
I hope that things get better for you.  I do think counseling would help you.  Is there a reason that she wouldn't want you to go?  I think by going you could get a grip on your feelings and learn some coping skills.  I highly recommend it.
 
Try to take things lightly.  Don't put too much stock in unimportant things, and establish what is important to you and what is not.
 
Best wishes to you.
 
Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


delusionale
New Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 2/25/2010 9:31 PM (GMT -7)   
I spoke to a friend about the issue at hand, how the words coming from my partner can be hurtful and too direct. As i am a very sensitive person, she says that she is on the defense mode. Trying to not let herself be hurt since she has been taking all the hurt from her past relationships. Taking me for granted. No its not a no strings attached relationship. We supposedly want to spend the rest of our lives together, but at the rate things are going, do you see it happening? I almost cried myself to sleep again last night. I am so sad that things are going really bad with us, i am afraid of telling her how i feel and i am afraid that she will start saying hurtful things to me again. It just hurts way too much coming from a person you love so much.

We didn't speak at all last night after we got home. The ride in the car on the way home seemed fine at first. But when we got home, we were silent till we slept, she slept first. We got home, she got into the kitchen to cook, i was lookin at some music stuff on youtube as reccomended by a friend. Laffed for a bit, and she brought me the food. I ate, she finished, we didnt talk, she then took the phone to play games. I asked her to go get her bath, and she did not reply. We usually have our baths together, but she went to have the bath alone silently, which was a sign to me that shes giving me the silent treatment becasue i was giving her the silent treatment sorta thing. Two ego's collide. After her bath, i took mine also in silence. and when i got out, i saw her reading the old testament of the bible. This is the second night she's reading the bible. i tried to push away the thoughts in my mind but i couldn't stop thinking about the pain i have inside. The burning questions that keeps repeating itself: i want out! This is not working, i was so tempted to wake her up to say i cant do this anymore. It may seem like there is something wrong with me to you, i may be over-reacting to you, but this is not how i picture a relationship to be, regardless of what you say about accepting a person for who they are etc..(this is no fun typing things out because i cant seem to explain well about the situation. I feel like i've been typing jibberish and not getting to the point or the crucial points) I just want the relationship to be like how a loving relationship is like, we are in the closet in this relationship because you dont want your family to know about us, they will never understand. None of your friends would either. We dont even show affections in public for fear that we might bee seen by a friend of yours or anyone that might know us or our families. The magic can only happen at home. But houdini seems to be missing even at home and i feel like im more if the convenient partner to you. I give so much and what do i get in return? aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! this is just all too frustrating for me.
I am at the point in life where I've been in this situation of wanting to love this one individual that i have had this strong infatuation and interest and huge desire to make this person happy and to love her even though i don't really know her for so long, i fell in love with her since the first time i laid eyes on her. That was when i was 14. I am going to turn 30 in 4 months. Yes my world seems to evolve around loving a person. I need affections, i need someone to show me that they love me. I am a selfless person, i give and give and give, i am too kind to people and it's just wearing me off, the good in me is slowly dying, i ask myself, i think of others first before me, but what do i get in return? ZILTCH! nothing! People use me. They know they can thats why they do it. And when my kindness is not needed anymore, **** it, im not friend material for them. They just disappear from my life. The many people i've been kind to. The many times i've been taken for granted.

Thing is, I finally am able to call her mine after all that years of keeping this picture of her in my heart, the many best kept memories of how she makes my heart sing even by just the thought of her. Simple things like how she twirls her hair when she's thinking. How she frowns with that lil crinkle between her eyes. How she twists the tissue paper into a pointy thing to poke and prod her nose when she feels she needs to sneeze....the way she walks, and the sound of her voice. The way she calls my name even, how it used to calm me. Now all i can think about is, how it's gonna end. How we are drifting apart and how just like this morning, when she was putting on her make up for work, how i imagined that soon, she will be doing this in a new environment. How i will never be able to see this again. The occasional lipstick marks around the IKEA mug after her morning coffee. How i will end up looking at that mug that used to be her coffee cup. How i will once again, wonder, where she is in the world, and how she is, who shes with and if she's happy. It's like im back in the looking glass, seeing her through a window. That she will once again be on the other side of the glass....

I think, that she's been damaged. She fears too much, Her insecurities has caused her to be this mean and cold person, who can say pretty abusive words when she is angry. When i type these things to you as the public, do i at any point show signs that i think too much like a child? that i am childish? or unreasonable. I sometimes send her texts saying i love you. heck! if i had it my way, i'd say it everyday. But she doesn't like that. She says it back but occasionally doesn't reply. When i ask, she says i should already know, says things like"do i really need to tell you everyday?" like is it really necessary. And that hurts.

The expression on her face when she talks to me is enough to hurt. The look in her eyes like shes disgusted by my words, like a fool. Well i guess i am just a stupid fool in love.

I might be unreasonable. There's always two sides to a coin i know that, she is not totally responsible for the issues between us. I'm at fault for not having the initiative to TALK. I fear the pain from conversations that may not go where i want it to. I don't want her to constantly blame me for whats going on in this relationship. What i ask for is VERY simple (to me) more affections as it was once before and not too long ago, where there are actually cuddles and hugs here and there. If the words I love you are too heavy on you, just reply whenever i say it. I need assurance. It's not a necessity, i just need to hear it every once in a while. Not that difficult is it?

Intimacy. That's the tough one. I have to make the move. But you turn away from me and face the wall almost every darn night, and when i hug you, you say its too hot and push me away. So since i DO have an ego i sleep in the opposite direction as well. But that's when she turns around and says why you facing away from me!!??

Sometimes claims herself to be my wife. What wife, where? didn't know i had one! I feel like this relationship is like one that has been there for years where intimacy dies after you have a couple of kids and we slowly adapt to being like buddies living together. I have lots of love to give, but im sleeping with a lamp post. (that bites! figuratively speaking)

I fear that whatever i say to her, or try to reach out to her, that i may hurt her, that's why i hold back, because i love her too much to tell her whats really hurting me. I spoke to her two nights ago again to tell her that i was not happy. she asks why, i say theres no intimacy and like as if the relationship is turning sour, like a relationship that has been going on for years and that we are evolving into this boring couple that comes home and watches movies and goes to sleep. There is no intimacy in the relationship. She tells me that that is all EXCUSES EXCUSES EXCUSES. Her answer is that i have to make the first move. When i do, sometimes i end up being pushed away saying she wants to just talk, or is not in the mood. When i told her that, she denied and that i should know her better than anyone and i should know whens the right time sorta thing. This doesn't sound too bad, i only been pushed twice, and the attempts were also twice.

I don't want to attempt anymore. For fear of being rejected again. I have this constant fear of asking for anything as well, afraid that i'll get no for an answer. So i just don't ask.

And She asked me that night when i told her if i was unhappy, if i really wanted to see a counselor. And again she said that there is something wrong with me. that im stupid to think that i need to waste money i don't have to see someone for things i can fix myself. She says that i don't know how to be in a relationship.So i agreed with her...she said that she is sick of having the same conversation over and over again, that she will just move out and asked me to give her time by end of march to move out to her brothers place. That i am losing my mind or that im sick in the head or some sort. That if i think i don't know how to be in the relationship, she is at the end of the day the stupid and foolish one for being with me. I wasted her time and that she is the one that is at a great loss for being with a stupid idiot like me.

*takes a bow to everyone here*

I'm just so messed up right now.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 2/26/2010 5:12:06 AM (GMT-7)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40588
   Posted 2/26/2010 5:32 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Delusionale,

I am going to be very honest here. It does sound to me like you are feeling very insecure in your relationship and I do think you need to talk to somebody.

First of all, maybe the two times that you tried to initiate intimacy and she sort of rejected you, maybe she did have reason to. Maybe she wasn't in the mood. That happens. It could just be coincidence. And nothing more.

Maybe she does feel that you should already know that she loves you. Maybe she doesn't feel that she should have to confirm that every day. That doesn't make either one of you right or wrong. It just is. My husband and I don't ahve to say "I love you" every day. We just know it. Often you don't have to talk, you can feel it. Though you can feel distance too. But in my mind, counseling would be the appropiate thing for you right now. Whether she agrees with it or not. You have to help you to be more secure in your marriage. So go for it. It couldn't hurt anything. Just make you stronger.

When you give to a person as you say that you have, you should expect nothing in return. You give because you want to and because you love that person, that should be enough. I am not saying that you are selfish in anyway. But you give from the heart. Just to give. I see that you are seeing changes in her. Distance maybe. People do change, but I think if she was unhappy in the relationship, she would let you know. And not by a silence treatment, by words. It does concern me that you say that she says hurtful things to you. Are they truly hurtful, or are you just a little sensitive and insecure? You really do need to talk to somebody, and then maybe eventually get couples counseling together.

You need to build up your self esteem. Then go from there. You need to feel confident that she loves you without having to hear it all of the time. I do feel your pain. Being sensitive myself, but with counseling, I learned to feel better about myself and not so needy. When you are needy, it turns the other person off. When you hurt easily as I did, it is frustrating to the other person and then they quit talking for fear of hurting you.

So please follow through and get some counseling, there is nothing wrong with that. You need a little assistance in your own self worth. And you will get it. Get strong my friend. Learn that you are loved with her actions. She brought you a plate of food, maybe that is her way of showing affection.

Is is possible that you said something that night that hurt her and she was being silent because she didn't want to bring it up? Think about what went on that night. What lead up to the silent treatment?

If she is cold to you, there might be some reason for it. Is she tired? Is she maybe hurting in a way that you don't understand. You said she had bad relationships at one time. She must have been very young though because you two started at a young age. 15 years is a milestone. Maybe you got together too young. But it doesn't sound to me that she wants out or anything, it sounds like you do. Can you really move on to somebody else just to get those word "I love you" again. It happens. Things dwindle down and you aren't as romantic anymore. But there is still love there. You show it more than say it.

I really hope that this helps in some small way. I really think that she loves you in a mature way. Just isn't saying it all the time. But most of all, I think you need to see somebody professional to get the support that you need and to rationally think things out.

Keep posting, let us know how you are doing. I hope that things get better for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies

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