i am attending a highly competative high school and was on bond to go to a highly competative college (though my spelling does not sugest it) and for the first 16 years of my life i was considered a highly creative and intelligent person with a bright futer but this year the classes are so much harder even when they should not be, i am struggling to make b's or c's when with out trying i used to make a's i am sad and bored and tired all the time and for the last week i have not been able to stop crying.
though i have always been... not as chipper and happy go lucky as everone else i used to be happy. but now nothing is fun or funny or exciting any more it is to much effort to get dressed in the morning or to seek out or prepare food so i go on about one meal a day if that. even though i am allways tired i can never get to sleep, i always wake up several times each night. then i get up feeling just as sad as the night before but i have to push it to the back and smile and go to school then keep up the facade till i cry myself to sleep. my friends do not want any thing but happy entertainment from me so i can not even tell them about a bad test because they have gotten bored with it and they do not want to hear it any more (at least that is how it feels to me ) my parents ... they do not wat to hear it. my dad is anti emotion (it is esier for me to exsplain through exsample) when i was 10ish i started crying i do n ot remember why they started to laugh at me, when i broke down crying beacause one a persisting uncontaralable sadness and i did not undertand any thing about the home work that was due an hour from that point and i had a test the next day (and i do not handle not knowing things well) he could not understand and thought i was way over reacting, though i love theatre i hate my director for she causes much stress (more than any normal person) and so occasionaly recently i break down crying (i did not cry alot or anything like that but now i can not seem to stop) his solotion quit theatre which since a majority of the people who pretend to like me are in it means no longer being with friends. my mom is the much worse one she never stops yelling, if my brother (who has a social disorder making it hard for him to relate to "normal" people) says something unwise or slightly dumb automatic 3 hour yell fest about why he never does any thing or why he should try harder. my grreat grandmother died this morning and right after dilivering the news she started complaining on how my granmother had said she would like to give us some of the things for great grandmas house and then started to yell at me for asking her a quiestion about a project (a few days ago when we were told she was about to die my mom went on a half hour yell fest about why i never did enugh around the house and why had i not finished the dishes) ... at my uncles wedding she spent the majority of the time telling everyone how terrible and lazzy and stuff i was and i spent the car ride back crying she made us stop to eat and did not even notice how upset i was and instead got mad at me for not responding fast enough for i was trying to hold back tears... both of them harp on us to do something and when i finly do they yell at me for doing to much or not the right thing. my child hood was shaped by trying to make her happy and my teenage years by trying to never be any thing like her .... stuff liike that (sorry for rambling or getting off tipic i was really trying to show why i can not really talk to them or my friends)
when i first thought i was bipolar or deppressed i tried to drop hints because i can not come out and say it cause i just can not. the closest i got was one time i had a really bad day like waking up and then i had a bad acedimic day then my friends kept telling me to "chill" and would not listen when i said any thing negative going with their normal line of "she is just grumpy", they say that when i have had a bad day like i am some baby who has lost her toy and is now throwig a tantrum when all i did was when they said do you want a hug (i have a thing against touching) i did not submit and politly said no thanks i have to build this set (it sound nice of them to say but in my friend circle hugs are like hellos and every one but me is like upsessed with them) then i had to get yelled at by my direcor who even though i personaly built and desighned an entire set, have been nothing but nice, repainted her set instea of eating every day and so on can not bother to say one nice thing and is more like a hypocritical insane versin of my mother (sorry off topic) so then i got home at 10 and just wanted to claw my eyes out and scream (so i decided to go to bed) and then my dad said something that set me off and i started screeming at the top of my lungs yelling what the F.... ( i really did not mean to do that) so i ran in to the bath room to hide my shame still yelling and screeming and my dad came and said "really mature go in to bathroom to screem" like i had choosen to do that and my mom was like come here so we can disscuss this which mean yell at me an i was in that bath room finaly having stopped screeming but curled on the floor crying and they were like you can not stay in their all night and i really wanted to appologise so when i finaly managed to get up i went out still uncontralably crying and unable to speak cause of it and they started yelling and stuff and finaly decided to let me calm down so when i half way did i told them some times i am mad or sad or just want to screem and i do not know why and i was sorry and they said "ok i wish you had told us this sooner it could be a sighn of something really bad" . so then next time we went to the med doc ( i have to see him to check if my medication dosage is correct for my add) i thought she would say some thing but all i learned was that she had not told me that he had instructed her to put me on a nuttrition shake because i am severly under weight (at that point like 10%) because as she said "you can get the same effect with a milk shake and vitimens which she did not attempt to give me either.
But i do not even know if i am deppressed or bypolar cause i am worried that it is just me trying to get attention or wanting some one to care and all i really want is to feel what i feel happy or sad not what a chemical imbalence is making me feel. i do not know what to do everytime i try to tell i can't or my parents start yelling again or my friends start talking about that awsome korean band that i have never herd of or i just know i will not be able to stop the tear and i am ashamed.
i have considered just putting a bunch of web liks connecting to sighns of deppression web sites in an email and sending it to my parents but i do not know what should i do
sorry i rambled and went off topic i just ... you know