I still have a lot on my mind, so I'm hoping unleashing it all on here helps...somewhat.
The biggest thing on my mind is school; I go to classes on-line. They're 5 weeks a piece and I'm currently in the 5th week of my first class back in over 6 months. I had to stop going to school for 6 months due to my grades and how low they were. When I started this class I was super excited, and I'm going ot graduate in summer/fall or this year....but now I'm totally unmotivated and could careless again. I can't figure out how to motivate myself; since this is a HUGE thing. I need good grades to get into a Masters program somewhere and I just don't care anymore. I feel like I do good on papers and presentations but then I get grades back and I didn't do as well as I thought.
And that last part is what bothers me the most; because I feel like I struggle so much with school but my brother is always better than me. (i mentioned this before ina previous post.) He never studied and always got great grades; and I would study for days and get a C if I was lucky. It makes me feel like my parents like him more than me too; or that he's the favorite.
i am also sitting here alone, another night in...i was home last night too. it wouldn't be a big deal for most; but i don't do well alone. that's when my mind wanders to bad things, and i think of all the what if's and the i should have done this things. i can't even go out, because my car is not working.
i just feel like every day in another day deeper in the hole i'm in. i can find things that i dont like, or that have gone wrong, faster than the good things.
i dont know if this will even help, or what to do to help. i'm unmotivated to do anything at all...other than some stuff that i shouldnt be doing. i'm just in a hopeless pit of despair right now.