I checked into what my church offers for counseling. They've got a 12 session program.
Now, will I contact them?
Let me explain. I've had many years using counseling. I've had some very bad experiences, and I would say two good and one pretty good. The last was just last year with my wife. We took on two hours of counseling a week, and it was Christian based. The counseling just prior, which was about 6 months before, and had lasted over 3 months was with a educated and well trained counselor, who understood addictions, depression and many other issues. It was with her that I found out generic Welbutrin XL did not work for me. I have to have the brand name. Apparently the time release mechanism is different. That 3 months ended when I discovered I would file for divorce. I did so, lost $11,000 in the process, and failed to follow up with it. I went back to my abusive wife. I had to take care of my son.
Yet, here I sit, knowing I'm a wrecked shell. I've not been able to find a job for two years of looking. I've not looked very hard most of that, but I've put out around 400 applications. I've had 5 contacts and 3 interviews. No one has hired me yet. I've gotten to where I have to beg my wife for gas money, to my mini-van (used for my contractor job) and have fear the van will be repossessed any moment. I woke up last night and thought I noticed a light into my driveway. I got up to check if it was a repossesor. The very small flooring job I had two weeks ago was taken by my bank. and I am so overwhelmed by calls from credit banks I have unplugged the phone. I 've asked my wife to make the car payment, and we took our son out of after school care for that purpose. Yet she now refuses. I'm being told what to do at every turn, I am so freaked out by her over bearing demands that I do what she tells me, that I can't sleep.
Last night I went down stairs. She called after me to demand where I was going. I stated I needed to try and take my mind off things. She demanded that I promise this would be the last night I do that. I've done it many nights now. I refused to agree to that, and by the time her demanding, hands on hips arguing ended I was screaming at the top of my lungs for her to shut up!!!! She didn't. It breaks me to have to demand that I be asked, that an inquiry of what I need be the normal part of our discussions. That I will not respond to yelled, or coerced demands. But, she goes on with it. She continued her stuff last night for about a half hour. She refused to leave me alone. This was 3AM. I was up for another 2 hours. It's as if she is trying to give me a heart attack??
So, back to counseling. I've had so much experience with it that a 12 week session program will waste my time. I know I wont get anywhere near to what I could discuss in such a short time. I have so much to get out, go over, dissolve from my psyche and put away. Why bother? I don't suggest you suggest to me that I should just do it. DO you have money to drive for 45 minutes one way, when you have to beg your wife gas money? Do you fear any moment that your transportation will disappear? She picked our church. It happens to be 45 minutes away. It's a great church. I like it, and it's been worth going to for the sermon. But, the kick in the teeth is that we and I can't participate in anything. It's distance is too prohibitive. We have tried to find a church for 16 years prior to this one. It's been the best. So, we've accepted the distance. But, now it is at my peril, for lacking resources.
I got us to try another church 4 months ago, we even went 3 times. But, it failed to attract the family. It was only 2 minutes away. It was very small. A huge difference from where we had been going, and the pastor retired after the first service we attended (for cancer). The other pastor, we liked very much, but our son did not like the Sunday school program. I accepted that as the need to go back to the huge church, far away.
It's that church I would possibly consider if I had some means to go, but I don't. So, here I sit, complaining, venting, stricken by deep depression and gripped by doom and gloom.
I have absolutely no hope and I don't want anyone to convince me otherwise. As I type this very moment I am getting another bank call. The only one who got my cell number. That should end soon. My cell will be cut off any moment also. I just don't want any of anything, and I don't want anyone to tell me to wait it out, or anything that is possitive.
I know the only possitive thing in my life are my kids, and that I could offer something, if anyone would hire me, or give me a job to work as their flooring/tiling contractor. I am not getting anywhere, and I've run out of juice to give anything a try. What I don't know is how long something like this will last. I only want to know that soon, I will wake up, have energy, want to get going and do something?
But, right now I just want to cry in frustration.