what it has come down to

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beyondloser
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 12
   Posted Today 8:38 PM (GMT -7)   
First off, I must admitt that I was skeptical about sharing my past with people, and very nervous to go to a "depression" website. Then I started to read the stories of other people like me, and not only the advice that was given, but also the openess and kindness of everyone. I suppose I feel compelled to share my story, so people can get to know me as I have begun to know them. I'm sorry if it is a bit lengthy.
 
My name is Danielle and I am now 17 yrs old. Not only am I facing the stress of my senior year and all of its components, I am also troubled by my past. My earliest memory as a child is my mom beating the crap out of my dad. My dad would never touch a woman, so when my mother would get drunk and go after him, there was little he could really do. She would stab him, bite through his flesh, wreck his car, etc. When my baby brother was born when I was 6 and we moved to a new house, I thought things were finally getting better, but it only got worse. My dad finally left one day, not because he wanted to leave us, but because he really had no choice unless he wanted to endure nothing else but pain. Thus it all began. I began staying home alone after school at age 7 and my brother went to a day care center until my mom got home from the bars. At age 9 I was raising my brother completely after I got out of school. I could reach my mom at work until 5, and afterwards I knew to call the bar until she came home around 9 or 10. Whether she brought a guy home just depended on the week. There was never any food in the house, normally just a box of cereal and some soup or ice cream. I saw my dad every other weekend and cried when I had to leave him. When I started to get older I realized that school was really all I had to look forward to. I pushed myself to get good grades, no matter what it took. My mom would always tell me that I was chubbier than her. Even though I knew it wasn't true it started to eat away at me. In 7th grade I became anorexic, but blamed the weight loss on the fact that I was on the swim team. No one knew there was anything wrong - I was in sports and my gpa was a 4.1. In 8th grade I met some new friends that taught me to be myself. Before my anorexia got out of control, I realized how stupid I was. Honestly, I feel lucky for that because many people do not get the chance to come out of that. I was so happy with all of my new friends, even if I was a big dork. Also, a 10th grader was interested in me, so I felt on top of the world. That 10th grader pressured me into having sex with him to the point where I knew if I didn't say yes then it would have happened anyways. I figured it didn't matter, no one would know and everyone else I knew was losing their virginities too. After that, he never talked to me again. Then this one girl, whom I will never forget, literally made the whole 8th grade hate me. They would call me a *****, say I look like a man, spread rumors about me, threaten to beat me up..etc. At that time I started to slit my wrists. My depression only got worse. At home I would frequently argue with my mother because I wasn't allowed to do anything if it interfered with her plans to go to the bar. Finally I had met a boy that I was crazy about. He was my first boyfriend, and he made me forget about everyone and everything. Though home life was a little sketchy still, I didn't care. I didn't care until my mom was drunk and started hitting me. I told my bf the next day and he told me that if it ever happened again to go to his house and he would take me to the police station. That day I had a doctors app. and my mom threatened me once again. So I went to the police station to file a report against her. As soon as she found out I did that she called my dad and told him to pick me up that she was sick of me. So the next day he came and got me. I even enrolled in school and everything where my dad lived. Come to find out, my mom claimed that she never said that. Two weeks after living there 2 police men knocked on that door to take me back to my mothers house. When I got there she handed me a paper, signed but the courts, saying that  I HAD to call her "mother", I had to leave my bedroom door open at all times, and that if I were to step one foot outside of the house without her permission I would be condidered a runaway and taken to juvi. There is much more that happened after this, all leading to me and my brother finally ending upwith my dad when I was 15. Because I had moved my bf broke up with me, causing me to again go into depression. In 11th grade I met another boy, who I cared about deeply. We dated for 9 months and I loved him more than anything. Out of nowhere he broke up with me. All I wanted to do was die. At that moment I realized how greedy I really am,  and how I NEED attention to be happy, but I cannot help that. I've tried to just live my life, but it is hard. I have had a job since I was 15. I am now working 5 days a week, attending my high school senior classes, and dual enrolled into college classes. At this point I'm trying to just getthrough my senior year. With a major breakup, being used, and being under the stress of college apps my senior year has not gotten off to a good start. Things just pile up. Tonight, for instance, I found out that this kid was using me to get back at someone else.. My parents were screaming at each other to the point where my younger brothers were in tears, and I haven't wanted to eat anything for the past couple days. Wow, I know that seems like a lot, but honestly its not even half. I should be happy with what I have and sometimes I am. But sometimes days are like today, and I cannot avoid that. I read other peoples stories and I just don't think that I should be depressed, but I am. I'm sorry if I sound like I want a pitty party, because I don't.
 
-Danielle

Post Edited (beyondloser) : 12/13/2004 9:35:37 PM (GMT-7)


boo~baby
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2003
Total Posts : 213
   Posted 12/12/2004 8:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Danielle,

I was glad you could stop by for a bit in chat today. I do hope you will come back, I enjoyed talking with you.

Hang in there...and don't hesitate to post if you need anything.

Boo
"Patience is a waste of time"


Sadgirl2
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 110
   Posted 12/14/2004 3:50 PM (GMT -7)   

Danielle,

I'm really happy you are posting. Things sound really hard for you right now. Just remember there are people here for you to talk to and things won't always be this way. It sounds like you are doing a great job with school and work. I'm rooting for you! :-)


beyondloser
New Member


Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 12/14/2004 7:20 PM (GMT -7)   
thanks so much :) its good to know people actually listen..

Crazy4Hobbits
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 12/16/2004 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
Hey Danielle!

Thanks for sharing your story, I always like to hear that I'm not alone. :) I'm a teenager too, and I can totally relate to a alot of what youre feeling. First of all, don't ever feel like you're problem isn't bad enough to ask for help. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable talking to other depressed people because I don't have any family problems and no real friend problems (I say "real" because I also have social anxiety, and I get really paranoid that people don't like me, even though I have no evidence that they don't). But everyone has different struggles and what matters is how you feel, not whether you "should" be feeling that way or not.

Have you ever been on any medication or gone to therapy? If you haven't and there's some way you can start that, I would definitely reccommend it. I didn't think it would help, but trust me, it does. I was in an adolescent program for emotional disorders for a while, and I met a lot of people in situations similar to yours. We all helped each other--it was really great. I think more people there were seventeen than any other age, too. Don't ask me why, just something I noticed...

OK, all that sounded kinda preachy, but it's completely true. Whatever you do, hang in there, and keep posting. I'd like to hear how you're doing.

Crazy4Hobbits

snohare
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 2088
   Posted 12/19/2004 11:09 PM (GMT -7)   

Mm. Sounds like you are learning the truth of the old Chinese curse, "May you live in interesting times..."  eyes

On the plus side Danielle (I'm playing Pollyanna here folks , so I expect to get shot down in flames), that which does not destroy you makes you strong, so maybe you are going to end up with the emotional equivalent of a steroid-built character...handy in later life, just so long as you do have one. (I'd say I'm living proof - and I have the grey hairs to prove it. yeah )

The one thing which really makes me feel you are a winner Danielle is that despite the kicks in the teeth, you keep picking yourself up. You keep trying to connect to people. That's a really priceless thing. Keep a hold of it. Don't let that light go out. It is what guides us in the darkness.

It's a truism, only because it is true - you haven't failed until you give up. It's easy to think that you are failing because you are not achieving your intended goals, or you are not feeling good about yourself. But in my experience, how life works is that much/most of the time you aren't succeeding at what you set out to do, or not at what seems important at the time; but failure is good training for success, because the bits you are getting right today, that you don't care about, will be essential components for success down the road. And there is nothing like a bitter lesson to kick you up the learning curve. People who seem to do things right naturally often come to grief when times get hard...they haven't learned how to develope the perspective that lets you cope with a crisis. I see this working with the homeless; some are people who come from nice stable backgrounds, had successful businesses, steady partners...then some illness or financial crisis hits and it all folds, because they literally have never learned to deal with such bad things.

Keep posting - your life is so much more exciting than mine, I'm dying to hear the next installment...hope it's a good one ! tongue

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