I'm telling myself to accept one good evening. It was yesterday, and I am grateful for small good times. I slept better and woke with that faint glimmer of hope that returns during calmer times. I do very poorly when attacked verbally. With some of the one day at a time consideration, there is always reason to give the evening a nod for what it was. What it shows me, is that I can see good when it's happening.
I have felt physical pain, and I've over eaten all week. I find it both punishing myself, while justifying it with silly thoughts like it's short term distraction to eat a lot.
I could tell that my wife was making an effort to avoid demanding things and being mean about it. She made a good effort, I talked to her some, and we agreed before hand about what might occur if I woke up and couldn't sleep. She didn't say a word to me when I got up around 1am. That is a first.
From experience I know she will forget why she was making this effort. There will likely have to be another blow up to remind her. I will talk to her about it, but she does seem to be of the belief that at some point she will do whatever she wants and say whatever she wants no matter what the consequences.
What has been so depressing through this time is that I know how hopeless my attitude becomes when we fight.
Think about this if you will, we all know it takes two to fight. BUT, when one does not want to fight and the other doesn't care if she is mean, and aggravating the situation by never asking, always demanding, while continuously demeaning and berating you, the situation is very one sided.
So to accept the persons aggression without end, and act like it's not going to get to you is unrealistic. Especially when in so much turmoil, having physical pain and find that one short walk will do nothing but make me cold (living up north) and only delay more of the same. It is accepting being a doormat, being bullied or some equivalent.
I'm trying to explain, not justify. This is the way it is, and I'm writing it out as clearly as I think anyone can.
There is such a deep underlying pain as to why I find myself at fault for not being a success. I don't actually know for a fact, but consider it from my point of view that I have episodal anxiety, and underlying low self esteem from being the target of bullies during my pre-teen and teen years. The abuse was very damaging to my self esteem and has had a life-long effect that I have been unable to shake. I have never found anyone safe to discuss it with. It is a hole in me I ignore by going around it. Sometimes when I'm under great stress, I fall into that hole and find the struggle to climb out too demanding. This has been one of those times.