I'm not sure where to start. I have never felt so lonely or unwanted in my entire life. In a city surrounded by people everywhere you turn there is not one person who has the desire to be with me, much less talk to me. If you were like any other person you would say that I am an extremely well liked, talented, and woman. People think I have my crap together, which is the biggest joke of all. I feel like it's all a lie. I keep so many secrets from others and live a life of total deception, and now it's finally beginning to catch up with me. I lie, steal, and do countless amounts of drugs at the expense of everyone else when I should be the one suffering the consequences. But it all seems so normal to me now... I feel like I have no real friends because I don't deserve them. My whole life I've felt the need to strive for perfection, absolute perfection and it's jarring to know that I will never achieve this. I don't sleep,eat,or really intelligently communicate unless I'm high, and when I am sober there is just this rush of emotion that comes over me in such an overwhelming way and I just breakdown. I felt as if every single person I've ever truly loved has expected me to be something or someone I'm not.d The only person I loved will never love me back. He takes advantage of me, and I let it happen. I don't care. I have a hard time expressing my emotions to anyone and it's killing me on the inside because the few that I love mean the world to me. I never feel wanted. I never feel as if the opposite sex will ever truly see and respect and love me for who I am. I think that all of this is karma for all of the crap that I have done in the past to other people, but at this point I can't even remember or even care, but I deserve this. I can't even remember why I am so down. I can't express to anyone how I feel because no one understands. I want to die, but there is no way that is quick, easy, and painless. I find joy in nothing. I don't even find happiness in shopping. I don't exercise anymore. I don't want to work. I just smoke my problems and feels out of my head until the next day when the cycle begins all over again. I guess I came here today because I have no one to talk to, no where to turn. I keep looking for some concrete answer, but I guess there is none. I feel like if I asked my mother to take me to some sort of therapy she would be upset with me, and tell me to take it with a grain of salt. I feel as if I'm beyond that point. I know this lacks fluidity and there's alot on the table here, but please if someone could tell me something inspiring or give me some sort of advice, I would appreciate it more than you know. Thanks.