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MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 3/8/2010 4:28 PM (GMT -7)   
Several nights ago I was very depressed and having a panic/anxiety attack and i was feeling as scared as I ever have in my life .I was afraid to be alone but I wasn't ,I had my friendspend the night onmy couch and even her being here I was frantic as soon as she had to leave at 7am I called my brother and asked him if I could come to his house  ,he said yes . So me and my walker took a cab in the snow and I arrived at my bro's house and sat .My mind wouldnt stay still , so many stories  at once , I'll never get better , my life will always be bad  and I knew whenever you think in absolutes never, always etc its your ego talking and its a lie .But I was scared to death I couldn't sort it out .I asked my brother how to get through this and he said this is how , you go thru it , you endure be uncomfortable .As a drug user I had spent my life not feeling , I would medicate myself instead of feel , now I am feeling which is not natural for me and I was scared to death , I couldn't medicate or distract or run away , I had to sit in it . I just started screaming  and screaming and went into convulsion like spasms for about ten minites , andI felt so much better after , like I got out a lot of pain and suffering I had been carrying for years ,what a releif .I dont know what it was still but I feel it was my body and minds way of getting out the pain and fear .I came home and was no longer so afraid , I started cleaning my apt , I made an appt with a Pain Therapist  , and my brother and I went to visit the rest of the family this past weekend .It was a miricle for me in a way , at 53 I'm learning how to live , to try to make my life have worth and to feel .HealingWell has played a role as well by helping and supporting me .Has anyone else expierenced something like this?


HIV+ also Hep c , need hip replacement surgery on hold because of unknown but cellulitus-like ailment  .most pain from hip condition and cellulitus-like ailment .hands numb may have carpal tunnel syndrome now . Great frustration because doctors unable to diagnos ailment              .Medecines - Oxycontin , percocet ,  Celelbrex , lasix .


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 3/8/2010 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mikel,

It sounds like you had some kind of breakthrough or something. Or a revelation. I don't know, but it worked. I do a wierd thing with my pain like that too. I sit through it. I pretend that I like it and it makes it easier to deal with.

I hope that you get this all sorted out. Feeling things can be difficult, but it can be for a reason and good for us. It builds character and makes you you. We can go through life with a mask I guess, but why bother. When we are who we are. It isn't all taht bad. being human I mean.

Keep trying, keep up the good work.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 3/8/2010 9:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Karen , thanks , you sound like you know  .Yeah I'm getting that its not that bad being human but for some reason its scared me my whole life , when the first real feeling thats forced on you , that you can't run from is fear and pain , wow its easy to see why I was so frightened and not being in touch with my feelings I had no idea how to deal with it . It found its own way to come out . Its amaizing to me how your body and mind both know on a viseral level what they need . Thanks
HIV+ also Hep c , need hip replacement surgery on hold because of unknown but cellulitus-like ailment  .most pain from hip condition and cellulitus-like ailment .hands numb may have carpal tunnel syndrome now . Great frustration because doctors unable to diagnos ailment              .Medecines - Oxycontin , percocet ,  Celelbrex , lasix .


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18774
   Posted 3/9/2010 12:08 AM (GMT -7)   
yes i have let out some massive screams. it lets stuff out, it releases. some things that go in, need also to get out!!!! very carthartic!!!!!!!!! cheers. keep positive my friend, jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 3/9/2010 9:43 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Mikel,

Just wanted to say hello. I know fear. Even with the puppy I just got, sometimes I am so scared that it is going to be taken away from me, and I know not to hold on so tight. But I just love her and she is so helpless at this point in her life. I take a deep breath, and sometimes a xanax, to get me through. Meditation really helps too. But you know that scarey feeling that something bad could happen? Well, I guess it could and I will just have to deal with it if it does, but in the meantime, I try to enjoy what I have.

I hope that you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 3/9/2010 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   
AWWW ! A puppy ? How cool Karen ! What kind of doggie is it ? I have to kitties that sleep with me and are a great comfort , I love them dearly .Thank you Karen for your understanding , feeling is new for me , I distracted and medicated any feelings away for the most part for most of my life , its all flooding thru now and gets overwhelming .But I'm learning to direct it positively and its pretty nice .Studying Eastern philosophy has been great too , very centering . I still expierence fear but I try to remember its my ego trying to control me . Bad thoughts or any thoughts is the ego attempting to control , I am the thinker not the thought , I try very hard to remember that and my thoughts don't control me as the once did . Its been very freeing indeed . Peace to tou all my friends .
HIV+ also Hep c , need hip replacement surgery on hold because of unknown but cellulitus-like ailment  .most pain from hip condition and cellulitus-like ailment .hands numb may have carpal tunnel syndrome now . Great frustration because doctors unable to diagnos ailment              .Medecines - Oxycontin , percocet ,  Celelbrex , lasix .


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40602
   Posted 3/9/2010 12:46 PM (GMT -7)   
I really like what you said Mikel about I am the thinker not the thought. That is so cool. My dog is a german shepherd. She was the runt of the litter, so she is so small compared to the rest of them. But I have gotten runts before and they turn out to be the biggest dogs. She is black and red. Very pretty. I feel so fortunate to have her. She kept me busy there for a few days and I couldn't even get on the forum. She was such a baby to take care of. Had to watch her all the time. But she likes her crate and is comfortable in it, so I am able to get to the computer when she is sleeping and I don't ahve a lot of other stuff to do. Which soon I am going to start dinner. Beef with stir fry vegetables. Sounds really good right now, but I have to wait a little while for it. I am rambling, I guess I have food on my brain right now. Need lunch.

I hope that things keep going well for you. It is amazing when we start to feel. And it is scarey, but take this one day at a time. Enjoy it. And keep reading. It sounds like you are now on a healing journey. That is good.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


MIKEL99
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 914
   Posted 3/9/2010 1:00 PM (GMT -7)   
Thanks again Karen , you know what the Dog Whisperer says ''we get the dog we need not the dog we want '' great choice .I love the underdog too , my first kitty was a scrawny little thing when I got her , although a fatso now is still sweet as can be . I thank you for your complement too but it was Deepak Chopra who quoted that ''I am the thinker not the thought '' isn't that so deep though ? I 've been studying him and Eckart Tolle as well who says .All we ever have is this moment ,while our mind tends to preoccupy with past and future we live in the present moment and isn't it good .There is always enough in the present , its learning to accept that fact and become part of it completely .Therein is peace .
HIV+ also Hep c , need hip replacement surgery on hold because of unknown but cellulitus-like ailment  .most pain from hip condition and cellulitus-like ailment .hands numb may have carpal tunnel syndrome now . Great frustration because doctors unable to diagnos ailment              .Medecines - Oxycontin , percocet ,  Celelbrex , lasix .

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