Last week ended OK, and this week I'm finding such high anxiety, that my isolation continues. I wanted to miss my sons parent teacher conference yesterday because I felt this anxiety. My wife was insistent and asked if it was because I didn't want to go with her? I went alone the last time, and I was totally OK, and not in any funk at all during that time. This funk has lasted about four months, getting worse as time goes.
The occasions for disdain of my situations have become more frequent and that frequency is pulling my strings, pushing my buttons and weakens my response. I have done fine in the recent past, and this particular time has me baffled and feeling guilt. Though I know guilt is not productive, nor necessary, my mind has been shutting down.
My past drinking was to shut down my thoughts; Jokingly called "attitude" adjustment. With 10 years sober, and making some good efforts to work the program, this time of discord was not on my radar. The program is "one day at a time", that with the serenity prayer has been good for me. But, I'm suffering just like when I first got sober. That was a very horrible time and right now, I can see no difference between that time and now.
Trying to recall what and how I resolved that time has been on my mind. I know I journaled and wrote a crap load of poetry. I went to a lot of meetings and eventually I think time and getting on with making a living with my contractor business worked well for me. Now that the economy has destroyed my dream of being a remodeler, and obtaining any new job of any kind that will pay my bills has not been found my whole outlook has been to be distracted.
I've made hundreds of applications and found that only 6 or so responses over about a year has done a number on my psyche. I already had a somewhat tenuous self-esteem and with every passing month or any one of the few rejections, my wall got higher and my mind went further away. I'm trying to protect myself by avoiding any interferences, but it's making things worse.
Some advice is to get any job whatsoever. That would be fine, but at present even trying to find any job whatsoever is difficult. I've gotten so full of anxiety over the past four weeks, that I've barely managed anything, let alone trying for a job. I'm going to look into pawn shops to sell my tools, and know it will be for a huge loss. That puts my thoughts of self-loathing even deeper. I am very unhappy that I am forced to sell them to a pawn shop.
Well, out of space. Lot's to write, lot's to think over.