ambiguous loss and disenfranchised grief

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millicent
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/13/2010 11:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, i thought id start a new topic, i hope its ok.
I suffer from chronic grief which the doctor has labelled 'depression'
Its been goin on for the past 15 years.
Im hoping someone somewhere can help me cos i havent eaten/washed/slept properly in all that time.
Counselling just makes me feel worse.
I know theres no quick fix but if i could get the right treatment at least there would be light at the end of the tunnel.
There doesnt seem to be any recognition of the above condition, at least not in the uk.
can anyone help me or is it going to be like this permanently? Ive been so very very patient waiting and hoping for help but the mental health services arent trained in this type of grief and they dont know how to handle it.
Ive contacted the grief centre and theyre only qualified in bereavement.
 
I seem to be stuck in the first stages of grief. Please can someone help me to find closure.
 
 

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 3/14/2010 3:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I would think that the grief counseling would help. Maybe that is the issue, bereavement. Maybe then you could get past it. Unfortunately there is no time limit on grief. But know that the person that you are grieving would want you to get on with your life. If they loved you, which I am sure that they did.

Have you thought about getting any books on this subject? I think that it would be a good idea. You need all the resources that you can get right now. Know that you need to deal with it, then try to put it behind you and move on.

The counseling is a must. In order to get a grip on the depression. It has really and truly helped me in the last 20 or more years. I know that doesn't sound so promising, but honestly it has helped get me through life. I have grown from it and have been able to move ahead. But I learned to take life one day at a time and to live in the moment. I hope that you can do this too. It takes a lot of stress out of the situation. No living in the past, and no worrying about the future.

I really hope that this helps some. Sometimes the answers are just so simple, but so hard to recognize when you are depressed.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


millicent
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/14/2010 3:48 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Karen, i have had counselling but i dont need an ear, i need advice. The counsellors ive seen just listen and thats no good to me in fact when ive poured my heart out and got nothing back, it makes me very irate.

Its difficult knowing my children are just a few miles away, as are the rest of what used to be my large family.
The circumstances surrounding my loss are too unbearable which is why im ill now.
Ive tried to contact them all these years but their grandmother has blocked me at each and every turn. I did find them on facebook and i tried to tell them how their grandmother has lied to them all these years, but just like the rest of them, they dont want to know.
The grandmother is a matriarch, she is a sadistic narcissist and its taken me a long time and a lot of reading to find out. She fits the profile almost exactly.
Heck i wasnt even allowed to call one daughter by the name i picked, i changed it to a name we both liked and then she shortened it to a boys name and despite my pleas, all the family started to call her that, they still do. It was a name which reminded me of a boyfriend who broke my heart back in 1976.
Ive always believed that wrong will be put right eventually. But it looks like shes got away with it.

Its not easy closing the door on your children, as a mother i feel i have a duty to miss them and feel i shouldnt enjoy myself. Ive developed a laugh which cuts off abruptly because my brain stops me in my tracks.
Ive been absolutely miserable for many many years. Mothers day (today) is the worst, then xmas, then birthdays, and even fathers day.
It cuts me up to think all those years shes been playin happy families.
I visited a few times but she kept them too busy and even after a couple of months, they acted like i was their nans distant friend. I used to try and phone, she would tell me they werent in or too busy. I tried to write but she had the letter box moved to her garage where she had a key.
I know she stopped the letters because she was always opening mine, well into my thirties.

She took them for 'two weeks' holiday, she also emptied the photo album. Ive got no baby pics.

sorry i have to stop

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 3/14/2010 7:13 AM (GMT -7)   
I am truly sorry for all this. It sounds horrific for you. Especially with your children. I do too believe that this will be righted. In time I guess. But that doesn't help you now.

The best that I can think of is to take this one day at a time. Time does eventually heal and I am sure that this wrong will get righted. But I am sorry for what you are going through in the meantime. Please know that we are here for you and support you through everything. I hope that helps.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 3/17/2010 1:18 AM (GMT -7)   
your pain is understandable. i send you my compassionate
healing thoughts. if i can be of any help them please let me know.
jamie. keep reaching out, you have been very brave in posting, keep being so. healing prayers to you. jamie.
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


millicent
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/19/2010 2:13 AM (GMT -7)   
thankyou for your warm feelings. Ive been waiting for many years now, hoping that someone would come to their senses. But they never have and the daughters i knew then are nothing like the daughters ive tried to talk to on facebook. They are very cynical of me and hold a great respect for her. Their way of thinking mirrors my mothers personality, complete lack of empathy.

I feel shes ruined them completely. All the money and time she had to concentrate on their future. Neither of them have a trade, theyve been in and out of work. Not even married, and they are in their late twenties now.

theres one thing my mother cant do, and that is love. Ive never heard or seen any acts of affection. she used to brag about how she ironed all our clothes and laid them out ready for the morning.
and this from a woman who left her 6 children (all under 12) and a loving husband at home, while she had an affair with her mates husband. Her mate has never gotten over this and still suffers.

Yes time will tell alright. But how much longer can she live? While shes alive its just going to carry on, and i dont want two 50year old daughters knocking at my door. But then i dont want to suffer this sadness anymore. There must be a way of getting out of this nightmare.

I have consoled myself with the thought of grandchildren. I wonder if i could have rights as a grandparent? I know my daughters will put up a fight but do i have rights?
It could be the light at the end of the tunnel perhaps?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40573
   Posted 3/19/2010 5:01 AM (GMT -7)   
I am not sure where you are, but in US grand parents to have rights. Though I feel that you situation will change and they will both come around. Give them time to get their feelings straight. That does take time and a little bit of realizing what the situation was really like.

I hope that things come around soon.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


THE HAPPY TURTLE
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 18747
   Posted 3/19/2010 5:37 AM (GMT -7)   
agree with karen that it will be there realization, regaedless of your rights there needs to be some definite self-actualization of themselves first. i do wish you peace, and i do hope that in time peace will prevail. my compassionate thoughts are with you.
jamie
YESTERDAY IS A BUTTERLY WITHOUT WINGS. (ME)
 
DX, MDD, SEVERE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
 
REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.


millicent
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 3/19/2010 6:56 AM (GMT -7)   
But how are they going to realise if they dont listen to me as does the rest of the family.
whos going to tell them? whats going to have to happen before they stop treating me like im the black sheep, a neurotic woman...
can nobody imagine my pain? I can hear my mother telling them 'its all put on' just as she used to say to me about other members in the family. No ones feelings are real unless theyre hers.

A very cruel woman, to animals too. She has caused a lot of grief and distress to others as well as myself, one resulting in a mans death.

theres no words to describe my hate for her.
Its a very big family and i still cant believe why someone didnt do/say anything all those years.
She could have been imprisoned for child abduction and forgery as the schools didnt even question if she was their legal guardian.

I remember she duped her partner into signing his part of the house over to her, so she can be capable of forging a letter.

Theres many things i could have and should have done at the time but i didnt know that until it was too late. She had been taking them off me for years before by spoiling them rotten, outdoing any gifts i bought, downgrading me in front of them, demanding i allow her total access to my home and even how the furniture was arranged.

you have no idea
I felt as if every visit was an inspection, i was looking after her daughters, thats what it felt like.
I was a frightened, unconfident mother, she made sure of that.
Both my daughters were planned, they were the point of my existence.
I think i deserve a bloomin medal to be able to get thru all these years without ripping her head off, and dont i wish i could...
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