My partner's depressed & angry

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

RFaith
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/21/2010 4:50 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello All,
Just joined this group.  Thank you for existing!  Have read some posts from people dealing with a partner's depression and just reading what other folks are going thru is helpful.
 
The girl i fell in love with about 1 1/2 years ago was positive, enthusiastic, energetic and centered. She ate healthy foods and took good care of herself. She's the person all her friends turn to for counseling and advice.  She has a way of seeing thru the malarkey to the core issues.
 
about 6 months ago we moved and moved in together and she has been a different person ever since.  After months, she will admit she is depressed and finally, just last week I got her to at least call for a dr's appt.(doesn't have one yet.)
 
i am afraid i have made some mistakes in dealing with this.  i have taken her behavior very personally and have attempted to move out several times. sometimes she doesn't even know i have packed bags.  but i don't leave b/c i am very concerned about what she might do if left alone. (and she would totally isolate herself, of that i am sure.) 
 
I need help dealing with her angry outbursts. i am reading about depression. and think i am getting better at not taking it (her anger and very hurtful, spiteful words) personally.  but i am powerless to stop her from talking and don't know how to not be a punching bag.  plus, she hasn't gotten physically abusive to me,, but sometimes i wonder if she might.  she gets so incredibly ANGRY, kicks doors, etc.  i never know what might set her off.
 
i think it sucks that we are living together! (can't believe that) but if we lived apart, i could leave when she gets crazy.  well, leave and have somewhere to go.
 
the other couples posting on here did not live together, anyone out there living with a depressed angry person?  How do you deal with it?  i've thought about keeping a bag packed in the car so that i could leave on short notice.  but one car is always blocked by the other, no doubt the bag would be in the blocked car... and anyway, how crazy is that?
 
although this is not a new city for her, it is for me. i know no one here except for her.  plus, i haven't been able to find fulltime work.  (we were supposed to work together in her business but that has proved impossible, b/c she is a perfectionist and is very demeaning to me on the job.  what i'm trying to say is that i have no friends here to talk to.  she flew off the handle when she found out i talked to my sister about our relationship troubles.  her fear is that my sister will try to turn me against her.  when actually my sister understands and encourages me to support her and take care of myself.  to avoid big scenes, i'm ashamed to admit that i'm avoiding calls from my sister. furtively texting her instead.
 
she is eating junk food galore, drinking alcohol and smoking pot.  her family has a history of suicides, depression and alcoholism.
 
i do not mean to make her out in such a bad light, as i realize it is the disease.  we worked, lived and loved beautifully together before all this started.
 
if i move out she will feel abandoned and deserted and she insists that the relationship is ended if i move out. i dont' want to end the relationship, i just need some time and space to myself sometimes.
 
after she has lost her temper, she apologizes and asks why she has so much anger and promises to "work on it".  everytime i believe her. everytime i want to support her.  i think she is trying to conquer it thru sheer willpower.  she has battled this before and did find a counselor who apparently was instrumental in preventing her from a suicide attempt. so you'd think she realizes she needs help to do this.
 
i just don't know how long i can go on this way.  i can't help but feel cheated.  this is not the woman that i gave up a career for and moved far away from my family for.
 
I really tried to keep this short!  i could type for pages now that i've gotten started!
help! and thank you in advance,
  gina
 

Linx
Regular Member


Date Joined Nov 2009
Total Posts : 82
   Posted 3/21/2010 5:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello,
It is very hard to live with someone like this as I was once one of these people. I was always angry and depressed. I was always yelling at my partner and being demanding and apoligizing for everything. My suggestion, leave while you can because it will only get worse. It takes a lot of therapy and a lot of time and energy to get through something like this and it takes commitment from both parties. I had to learn anger management and self control and a whole lot of other things about our relationship. We went through hell and back. I guess you might want to ask yourself if you want to put yourself through that.

RFaith
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/21/2010 5:26 PM (GMT -7)   

Linx,

Thanks for writing.

Are you saying that your relationship survived your illness?  Are the two of you whole and happy now?

I feel that i'm already in hell, so i/we would just have the journey back, right? (chuckle)

although leaving might be the best thing for me, i can't help but think that it would be a very bad thing for her.  that is always what i come back to.

thanks again,

gina


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/22/2010 4:33 AM (GMT -7)   
It sounds like you are ready to leave since you already have your bags packed. So are you going to stick this out or not?

I know that it is hard dealing with a depressed person, and if you can't take it then leaving would be the best bet. But if you can take it, then I would suggest to get her into counseling. Learn not to take what she says and does personally. Liveing with depression is torment for the person going through it. I am sure she doesn't even understand why she does what she does. I would also suggest a doctor visit. Anti depressants could be the ticket for her.

If you are going to stay, unpack that bag. That alone could make her insecure. It is a heavy statement to have them packed. I know you are worried about yourself right now, but you can always pack a bag later. It is as if you are holding it over her head, and that makes her more insecure.

I hope that things work out for you.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


RFaith
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/24/2010 7:08 AM (GMT -7)   

Dear Karen,

Thanks for writing.  I unpacked my bag right away.  (She didnt even realize I had packed one.)  At the time, i felt i just needed to get away for a night and planned on going to a hotel...but i didn't go.

HOW do i get her to counseling? Please give me some strategies! Things to say, things to avoid saying, anything!  She has VA benefits and she says she called them and they said they would call her back with an appt time.  many times her phone rings and she will not answer it.  so i don't know if they have called back or not.  really  i don't even know if she called them at all.

Also, HOW do i avoid being a punching bag (figuratively speaking)?  When she loses her temper and is going off on me, what do i do?  how should i react?  i try my best to stay calm and not get emotional (and i am getting better at that) but is there anything I can say?  I want to leave the house when it happens.  Is that a good idea?

You are right when you say she doesn't understand why she does what she does.  She asks me that regularly.  What is a good response when she is asking me why she has so much anger and why she is so spiteful.  She said she thinks some people are good and some are bad and she is a bad person.  That she tries real hard to be good but she isn't.  My response was that everyone has a light and a dark side.  I assured her that she is a good person. I wanted to, but didn't say, "right now, you are lost in the dark and need help to find your way to the light."  maybe i should have but she can flare up so quick- literally in the blink of an eye. 

I am asking for practical strategies i can do to help her.  i am committed to this relationship.

Thanks so much,

  gina


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/24/2010 7:16 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gina,

What you are going through is a lot right now. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Be encouraging about the counseling. Walk away when things get heated. I know that it is hard not to react. We get in a defense mode and don't want to hear hurtful things.

Make suggestions in the form of a question, for example "Do you think it would make you feel better to talk to somebody?" Instead of "I think that you should talk to somebody." She really needs medical attention and counseling right now. But only she can make that step. You can't make if for her, but you can encourage her to go.

I really feel for you, I know it is so hard, and I am sure that she says some hateful things at times, but it is the depression talking. If you have to, and it comes down to it, you could tell her that you are leaving if she doesn't get help. Try to explain it in a sympathetic way. IF that is possible. Let her know that she hurts you with the things that she says and her actions. Try not to get defensive, though I know that isn't easy. And if worse comes to worse, maybe you could get to counseling to get some support and guidance (professional) to let you know how to cope with this situation. And eventually maybe she will join you. I wish you all the best.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


RFaith
New Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 3/24/2010 7:40 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you Karen,
I am going to try and find some help for myself to deal with this. I just wish i could DO more for her.
I read a relationship help book once that suggested looking at your relationship like a bank account. doing loving things adds to the balance and love grows. dissapointments, callousness, etc are like withdrawals from the account- they take love. as long as some deposits keep coming in, love can even extend some credit, so to speak.

It feels like I am a love ATM for Tonya. I don't know how long i can keep extending her credit! :-)

Thanks again. I would like to write you again after i have found a counselor?

gina

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 3/24/2010 7:54 AM (GMT -7)   
Gina,

Feel free to write, and feel free to email me. My address is in my profile.

Hugs, Karen
  Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia
 
fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression,allergies


Jnut
New Member


Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 10
   Posted 6/16/2011 7:10 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Gina, I'm just joined and noticed your post and it sounds like were living the same life. I wanted to see how things turned out for you?

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 40601
   Posted 6/17/2011 6:07 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Jnut,

Welcome to the forum. You may want to start your own thread, if you haven't already to address thsi problem. I hope that your partner is doing okay. Let us know how things are going.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Saturday, December 10, 2016 4:06 AM (GMT -7)
There are a total of 2,735,791 posts in 301,337 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 151436 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, george252.
155 Guest(s), 4 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
summer16, Loutucky, poohcheez, Traveler


Follow HealingWell.com on Facebook  Follow HealingWell.com on Twitter  Follow HealingWell.com on Pinterest
Advertisement
Advertisement

©1996-2016 HealingWell.com LLC  All rights reserved.

Advertise | Privacy Policy & Disclaimer